Balance of Probabilities // Billie Eilish

party favor

I have a girlfriend. I've had a girlfriend for around a month. But I don't think I'll have her for much longer.

It's Sunday and I've been ignoring Billie's texts and call since Friday. I haven't left my bed since Thursday and I've been ignoring Morgan's pleas for me to at least shower.

But to be honest I don't have the motivation at the moment.

I always get like this in the week leading up to mom's passing date. I don't mean to shut down, but it just happens.

I feel numb. Void. Nothing and it scares me. I just don't want to burden anyone with my problems when they have their own to deal with. So instead I just sleep and pretend they aren't there.

It's unhealthy, but it's also my mechanism of coping.

Mom and I were close. So close I'd call her my best friend. I told her everything, I even told her about my liking for girls when I was twelve and didn't understand why I had a crush on a girl instead of a boy and she accepted me.

"Alex" she said with a reassuring smile "there's absolutely nothing wrong with liking girls baby"

"But all my friends like boys mama" I cried "I'm sorry"

"Don't ever be sorry about who you are Alexandra. If you don't stop with tears, I'll call your dad in here and he'll be forced to cheer you up" she joked.

She was always so good at making us laugh and feel better about whatever was going wrong. I just wish she was here now.

I haven't bothered touching my phone either, and it's probably dead now. I know that I'll have missed calls from not only Billie but also from dad and the twins making sure that I'm ok. And my lack of answering is probably telling them that I'm not.

But I just don't want to talk to anybody right now. I just want to sleep the week away and hopefully wake up.

"Lex!" I heard yelling from behind my door followed by very loud, very forceful banging.

Billie.

Maybe if I ignore her, she'll just give up and leave.

"Alexandra! I know you're in there and I know you haven't attended any lectures lately! Open the damn door!" she yelled again but stopped with the banging.

Good, that's a good sign. She'll give up soon.

"I will not hesitate to drop kick this fucking door down Alex!"

Alex

Only mom ever called me Alex.

The thought brought a familiar stinging to my eyes and my vision began to blur as sobs racked my body. Digging my head into my pillow I clutched it and gasped for air as more tears came.

Everything just hurts. My head is heavy, my heart is heavier and my lungs are without air.

I don't know how long I spent crying but it was long enough to tire me out and I didn't even realise I fell asleep until I woke up enveloped in warmth.

Billie was underneath me, her arms tightly wrapped around my back as she slept with me on top of her. Morgan must have let her in.

And I felt so safe and calm in that moment. But I'm not ready to face her either.

Quietly, I made sure not to wake her as I rolled out of her vice grip and onto the floor. Thank god she's a heavy sleeper. No alarms can ever wake Billie.

I grabbed my phone that was probably put on charge by her and slipped out of the dorm quietly shutting the door behind me.

There's no doubt in my mind that I look and smell like death, I covered my head and face as best I could with my hoodie and sluggishly walked to a nearby café that wasn't to busy.