Loretta did not think of herself as a beauty queen, nor did she think she was pretty. She would hear people say that to her and think nothing of it. She just wanted to live a life free from drama. It seems to follow her on every turn. The one thing she knew was she needed to hang on to her sanity. She decided to do this by changing her life in different ways. She go visit some of her friends and family just to slow down the things going on around her. She would try for a better job by taking test. She would cook on week-ends, and holidays invite family and friends. During the family dinners things would began to come out, those dark secrets that sometimes , would send your mind in a loop. She learned a lot was going on in the family. She learned that uncles were sleeping with each other wives, and you don't know who fathered who. Loretta learned that her mother thought she was pregnant, and that was the reason her father married her off. When Loretta told her mother she was not, her mother cursed her father, call him a dirty SOB. Loretta had to calm them down by saying ," what is going to change?, whats done is done." The thing Loretta was really upset about, was when her father said, "you survived did't you?" Loretta thought about what he said to her a lot through life. She could have taken that question in other directions to put hate in her heart for the things she had faced along the way. She was hurt, she was thinking about how she suffered, how she felt alone, or how she thought about killing herself, and how no one was there for her, except her. Loretta thought to herself, I did survive it all. She let that word sink in survival, means , to live, to exist inspite of any ordeal you have faced. So yes she is a survivor.
That very word helped Loretta through a lot in life, because to survive is the key. She began to take herself out of the bar hopping, drinking, and running around doing things to put herself in dangerous situations, like taking cabs, and running out on the driver without paying. Trying to help her friends who she was running around with, when they see their man was out with another woman, cutting their tires, or breaking their car windows, and running away thinking of how funny it was. She just decided to just stop those things and slow her life down. She met a guy who was beat up by fifteen guys. his face cut up, but he was nice. She thought about how sorry she felt for him, she knew that pitty for him would carry her over, not love. Pitty was enough to hold her. That to her was, like caring for a wounded puppy. Pitty could keep her, pitty could make her show how much she cared. She stayed with him for a while . The one thing he asked for her not to do, was to stay out past twelve. He was ten years older then Loretta, he was good to her son, and she had everything she needed. But Loretta decided to go and meet other guys on dates. She messed up one night, and was out past twelve. She thought oh well, and was gone all night. She went and moved out while he was at work, she was to meet up with this new guy at six. When the guy showed up, they were in a third floor apartment. Someone knocked on the door. She asked," who is it", It was the older guy. He asked her to open the door, but she heard him cock his shot gun. There was only one way out, and that was past him.
She told her friend ," We have got to go out that window, and jump on to that tree. Run to my sisters house as fast as we can. The first shot blew a hole in the door, and they jumped, Loretta fell, her friend asked if she was ok, she whispered , just come on we got to go. They ran past his car, and made it to her sister's house. This is where she felf safe because her sister Tina always had her back. Fifteen minutes later there was a knock on Loretta's sister's door, she told them to hide in her bedroom. They heard the older guy ask," where is Loretta, and that dude". Her sister asked," Why are you trying to hurt my sister". He said," I'm not going to hurt your sister it's that guy she with I'm going to kill". Loretta's sister said," well she's not here so just go". Loretta's heart was pounding so hard, she apologized to friend, he left and she never saw him again. The next day as she was walking to her sister's house, the older guy grabbed her. He was trying to take her to his place, but loretta was so scared. Her feet seemed to grip the side walk. It was as if they were glued to the concreate, he could not move her. He was a big guy too. As she pulled away, he grabbed her shirt, Loretta slide her arm out of the shirt. He dropped it and grabbed her bra, it broke and she came out of it too. This guy pulled up in a truck, and just looking, Loretta, asked him to help her, but he just sat there looking. Then the police came, they asked the older guy to let her go. He states that he was trying to give her a shirt. They asked him again to let go, and he did, Loretta took off running like a bat out of hell. She remembered what her grandmother always said, If things get to hot for you, "run", thats why God gave you two feet, and sometimes you have to use them, " Run".
Loretta decided to start going out of town on her week-ends off to change the scenery of things. she was away often, and began to go out on dates while shw was away at her brother's. She would sometimes have two dates in one night. This one guy was nice, and he picked her up, had a nice care, took her to dinner, and wanted to go to the beach. Loretta thought going to the beach at night was not good. He bought beer and passed her a can. She figured ok, I will just sip on it and make it last through out the date. He thought she was really drinking, but when she touched the top with her lip it was bitter. Oh boy she thought, this sob is trying to drug her. Now she has to think of a way out of this mess. She started to act as if she was really out of it. She started to slur her words, the whole nine. She noticed he started driving, she asked him," where are we going". He said," to the tallest hotel here so we can have some fun". Loretta thought, "dam this S.O.B wants me to jump off a building and kill myself". Now what she was a movie buff , and seen this shit play out on T.V . Loretta began to act crazy, by throwing his shit out of the car, and screaming. He ask, " what the hell is wrong with you?" Loretta acted like she was hyperventilating, and said, " you need to take me to my brother, when I have any type of drug or medication, it has to be from my doctor, or I will go crazy. " My brother,He has a room in the basement for me to stay so I won't hurt myself or anyone else'. The guy got scared, he told Loretta, " just hold on, and try in stop screaming and throwing his shit". He was driving fast to her brother's house. When they got to the door she stopped shaking, She was glad to see her brother open that door. Once inside she said to the guy," see you later sucker". Loretta needs to figure out, how in the world she finds herself in these types of situations. Is it her, do she look for trouble, and if not. why does it follow her. She needs to do something different,or change something once again in her life. These types of fights continued through out her life, her marriages, even as she turned to christianity. There were to many to count. I will end this part of my story, and if you, the people who has read my story need help, or need to hear more from me send me a word.
Poem "Changes"
This is what its all about. Changes has to be made without a doubt. Some maybe good and some may be bad the choices are your from day to day. I can not tell you all things will pass but please be aware through life we last, we last through knowing our feelings will change. We can not keep dwelling on the past. The key is to survive the best you know how and with that being said I will now take my bow. To you who have gone throught lifes twist and knots just keep your head held high, and do not feel you failed. You can come out on top and still have your life. I know cause we survived.
