Dear Dumpling (Wala na, Finished na; Completed)

Chapter 3: Warmth in Darkness

Added (7 July 2022): English translation may be found below the version numbers.

Dear dumpling,

Hindi mo mahuhulaan kung nasaan ako ngayon. Ako rin hindi makapaniwala. Nababasa ko lang ito dati sa Wikipedia. O kaya sa video sa AlternateHistoryHub.

Surprise, nasa South Pole ako, haha. Ang lamig! Aircon pa nga lang na naka-30 degrees, hindi ko na kaya. Paano pa dito na puno ng yelo at niyebe? At least pag masyadong malamig aircon, pwede i-adjust, o kaya pwede lumabas ng kwarto. Walang takas, wala akong kawala dito.

Inimbitahan ako ni Crucy, na visiting scientist dito ngayon. Pero halos buong araw siyang nasa research station. Nakakapagtaka, kasi inimbitahan niya ako dito para makasama niya ako. Tila nagtatampo siya kasi yung iba nating mga anak lagi kong kasama. Kahit na di ko naman kasalanang lagi siyang nasa trabaho, pinagbigyan ko pa rin siya. Kasi miss ko na rin yung pangalawa nating anak e.

Ayun, nasa dormitoryo lang ako. Inasikaso ko lang ang trabaho, at kinausap sina Pipette at Aki na naiwan sa Maynila.

At least mabilis internet dito, scientific station e. Sa bagay, kahit saan naman e. Sa atin lang parang kuhol ang takbo ng net e. Nakapag-download ako ng maraming pelikula't palabas. O, bago gumulong mga mata mo, syempre binayaran ko 'no. Support artists. Let their creative juices flow freely.

May isang partikular dahilan kung bakit niyaya ako dito ni Crucy. Matagal na niya ako nabistong nanonood ng mga video ng aurora. Sa bahay nga, pag magkatabi kami sa pagtulog, nagkukunwari kaming gumuguhit ang aurora sa labas ng bintana. Hindi lang flyover ang aming nasusulyapan.

Sabik akong niyaya dito ng ating pangalawa. Pero ngayon, hindi maipinta ang mukha niya. Tinanong ko siya kung ano nangyari pero di niya ako sinagot. Sabi lang niya nang mahinang tinig, "Dad, let's go watch the lights." Pinilit niyang ngumiti, pero hindi maitago ang lungkot sa kanyang mukha. Tila naiipon ang luha sa kanyang mga mata, at pinipigil lang niya ang pagpatak ng mga ito.

Pumunta kami sa pinakaibabaw ng research station at doon namin pinanood ang mga sumasayaw na ilaw. Halong asul at luntian ang gumuguhit sa itim na kalangitan. Napakagandang tanawin, dapat masaya ako at napapanood ko na ang dating tinititigan ko lang sa computer.

Pero hindi ko maiwasang sulyapan si Crucy. Nakakapit lang siya sa aking bisig. Wala siyang imik. Nakatuon ang kanyang mga mata sa mga ilaw. Di ko alam kung nagpipigil ba siya ng luha. Naisip kong baka napagalitan siya dahil dinala niya ako dito.

Tanong ko sa kanya, "anak, kasalanan ko ba ito?"

"Dad," mahina niyang sabi bago niya ako niyakap. Di ko na siya inusisa pa at ayokong magalit siya sa akin. Yakap na lang din ang maibigay ko sa kanya.

Naiintindihan ko kung bakit hanggang ngayon di pa rin ako lubusang pinagkakatiwalaan ni Crucy. Anak ko nga siya.

Friendships are built on trust. All parties must be willing to disclose everything to each other: strengths, weaknesses, victories, and failures. If you bare everything but the others do not, then the latter are not your friends. The same is applicable to family, I realize.

Our daughter has bared to me much, her fears, frustrations, the monsters inside her. But she gets the short end of the stick. Because I cannot answer that one question she continues to hound me with all these years:

"Dad, bakit mo minahal si ma? At bakit mahal mo pa rin siya kahit wala na siya?"

Hindi pa rin ako sigurado, dumpling.

Dad

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Version 1.2, 7 May 2021  (removed picture),

Previous versions: 1.1, 17 January 2020 (added picture)

1.0, 15 January 2020

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English translation 

Dear dumpling,

You wouldn't guess where I am right now. Pinch me, I must be dreaming. I only read about this place on Wikipedia before, or on videos of AlternateHistoryHub.

Surprise! I am in the South Pole. Damn, saying the weather is chilly is a gross understatement. I can barely stand 30 degrees of air-conditioning, what more actual ice and snow? At least I can adjust the thermostat of an AC. Here though, there's no escape.

Crucy invited me to come so we can bond. I did not hesitate, as admittedly I miss our workaholic child. I want to make it up to her, since she has always felt left out compared to her siblings. But most of the time so far, she's been occupied with activities as a visiting scientist at the research station.

I'm cooped up now in the dormitory, catching up on work and with Pipette and Aki in Manila. A silver lining here is the Internet speed. It's lightning fast when compared to the snail's pace back home. Our venerable computer is now stuffed with movies and TV shows. Yes, I bought them, nothing illegal going on here. A pirate's life is not for me. Support artists. Let their creative juices flow freely, the tap never drying up.

There's a particular reason Crucy wanted me here. Auroras have been her fascination ever since she saw me watching videos of them. At home, at nights when she slept beside me, we would imagine that the colorful lights were dancing in the sky, instead of the otherwise bland flyover (or overpass, or overbridge. English).

Our second child eagerly convinced me to join her here. But now we're together, we have never been farther apart. Her face is inscrutable. I asked her what had happened, but was met only with a deafening silence. Finally, she took my hand and whispered, "Dad, let's go watch the lights."

She tried to smile, but the gloom was hard to miss. Tears were welling up, but with all her might kept the dam on her eyes from bursting.

We climbed to the top of the research station and from that vantage point watched the lights touch the earth. A mix of blue and green hues streaked the darkness. Seeing this awesome sight, in person and not just in front of a screen, should bring me so much joy.

But the darkness appears to be overpowering, trying to snuff out the jovial glow. Crucy just clung to me without saying a word. Her gaze was fixed intently on the auroras. I do not know if that was her way of preventing the well of tears from becoming a waterfall. I worry she got in trouble somehow.

I worry this is my fault, for joining her, to provide some warmth in this frozen land.

I ask her, "What happened? Am I responsible?"

"Dad," she called out softly before hugging me tightly. That was her way of answering difficult questions. Or perhaps her way of telling me to drop the topic entirely.

All I could do was embrace her in return.

I understand truly what's going on. Crucy still doesn't trust me well enough to be open about her life. Indeed, she is my child, embodying my life-long lesson: "Never trust anyone."

Friendships are built on trust. All parties must be willing to disclose everything to each other: strengths, weaknesses, victories, and failures. If you bare everything but the others do not, then the latter are not your friends. The same is applicable to family, I realize.

Our daughter has bared to me much, her fears, frustrations, the monsters inside her. But she gets the short end of the stick. Because I cannot answer that one question she continues to hound me with all these years:

"Dad, why did you love ma? And why do you still love her after all these years?"

That I still cannot answer, dumpling.

Dad

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English version: 1.0, 7 July 2022