A Look Inside My Head

Jealousy

Jealousy is ugly. But I still feel it. I don't mean to. It comes and goes.

Lately it has been lingering and staying longer than I would like it to. I would like to say that I'm not jealous. But then I would be lying.

I'm jealous of my friends. They're all so happy and in loving relationships. They have someone to hold them, to cuddle with, to share love filled looks and kisses with whenever they want.

I'm jealous because I don't have that. I'm jealous because I can't go on group dates. I'm jealous because I get left behind.

I hate being jealous because I am so happy for them. Happy that they all were able to find that connection with someone that they have grown to love. I just wish I have what they have. I did, trust I know you know that cuz that is all I ever write about in the book.

Part of me thinks that they know I feel this way. I'm sure they have seen me look away when they share tender moments with their partners. I just cant stand it. The way they look into each other's eyes with so much love. I want that, so bad.

I'm afraid to talk about it with them. I don't want them to hate me for how I feel. So I just sit quietly and stare down at my hands in my lap and don't say anything.

I feel left out. Like it's something that I wont ever get. They always say "I know you will find someone someday!" "You are a beautiful girl and anyone would be lucky to have you" "You should step out of your comfort zone and talk to the guy you told me about, you know the one you said was a 10?".

They make it sound easy. But when you have had your fair share of bad relationships that ended in cheating or just being mistakes your self esteem starts to leave. Even the one that was great but ended with catastrophic heartbreak takes a toll on you.

Its not easy. Not easy watching them be happy with their other half. Not easy being outcasted because you don't have a second half. Not easy being the third, fifth, seventh wheel of the group even when they don't mean it.

I'm jealous because I'm sure they don't lay in bed and cry as much as I do because they have someone to talk to when they are feeling sad. When I go to them I just feel like a burden and a waste of time and space.

I love my friends and I am so happy for them. But I want to be happy for me for a change. I don't want to sit around and think about all the fun that they are having without me because that's where that ugly thing called jealousy comes into play and it's not a good look on me.

Jealousy is fucking ugly and unfortunately that's the emotion I feel the most. Does that make me ugly...?

God, I hope they never find half the shit I write and put in this book because I'm sure they would hate me for some of the stuff I write.