A Look Inside My Head

Numb

The inability to feel. The best way to describe what I'm feeling right now.

I lay here, curled up at the end of my bed, staring out the open window, watching the cars pass by in the night. Staring into the headlights but not like a deer getting caught in them. More like someone accepting their fate as they stare down the yellow eyes approaching them.

Here I lay. Teary eyed, blank expression, deep breaths, numb.

The hole in my chest is back, but then again, I don't know if it ever left. I think I just poorly patched it willing it to hold. And it did for a long time.

Until I saw her.

Which is stupid. She could be a friend. I wouldn't know. Hurts all the same. Seeing you with her when I so desperately wish that it was me.

I need to move on. Cuz maybe you did. But I can't, and I hate myself for it. Because at this point, I'm the only one hurting myself. Wishing for something that will never happen.

I never thought that my heart could shatter twice and still have the ability to feel it. I assumed it was still shattered, but I guess you know what they say about assuming. It doesn't hurt any less. That hot knife is still there getting stabbed through my chest, but the feeling is a familiar one. One that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Part of me will always love you, and I hate that part of me because I'm sure you don't feel the same way. You were my first love and honestly I thought you would be my last. Ha, how fucking naive of me.

Im tired of crying. Im tired of being sad. I'm tired of missing us. Im tired of feeling.

So I'll lay here, curled up at the end of my bed, staring out the open window, watching the cars pass by in the night.

Just to stay numb a little bit longer.