A Look Inside My Head

Afraid

     Im afraid to be alone. Alone with all of my thoughts and feelings. Because when i am alone i start to wonder. Wonder why people keep me around. I wonder if they truly want me as their friend, or if i am just there for them to use. I like to think i am a good friend. Im always there for them when they need me to be, always there when they want to do something, always there when they need someone to talk to. But, if i think about it long enough, i start to feel used. Used like a Welcome mat in front of the door. Used like a used car that was needed in the beginning but replaced with a better model.

     Im afraid of being alone because i start to think. I start to think that whenever I'm with a group I'm always the odd one out, the one who doesn't have a chance to pair off and have a conversation, the one to walk in the back of the group, forgotten.

     Im afraid to be alone because when i am alone i start to wonder if i am a burden to others. I wonder if i get in the way or am not needed. Past experiences have proved that i am not needed so what makes any other time different. I start to wonder if i talk to someone about how i truly feel they will belittle me and push me to the side like its not important. I guess you could say i am afraid to open up and share the chaotic turmoil that goes on inside of my head when i am alone.

     Im afraid to be alone because when i am alone i start to feel like the backup plan. I feel like i am the one person that is never picked first, and when the main person of interest cant do anything i am considered the next best thing.

      Im afraid to be alone because sometimes there are things that you cant simply cry away. There are things lurking in the back of your mind waiting for that right moment to strike when you find yourself alone. To emerge and make you reconsider every good thing in your life. Those are the things that will haunt you for as long as you live. That little voice telling you all of your deepest darkest fears, and you cant help but wonder if it's right.

      Im afraid of being alone. Alone with all my thoughts and feelings. But you wouldn't know this by looking at me because there are two different sides of me and i only let you see one of them. The side that lives her life like any other. With a smile if her face and a light in her eyes. You wouldn't know by just looking at her that her castle walls are up and unwilling to lower for anyone. But little do you that that same wall that took so long to build, cracks and crumbles to the floor when no one is looking and the floor gates open in her eyes and wont stop until every last drop is gone.

    So yeah. I guess you could i am afraid to be alone.