A Look Inside My Head

Restless

Restless

Thats all I ever feel these days. Wishing for something more. Wishing to be seen. Wishing for friends to remember that I exist.

I lie awake in bed staring at my ceiling with my thoughts running rampant in my head with no signs of stopping. I stare at the glow in the dark stars and count the same fourteen stars wishing they were the real thing.

If you give my brain a thought it will ask for a doubt. A doubt about whether or not I am really wanted. A doubt about if people care that I am forgotten. A doubt about if they would care if they knew my thoughts were killing me from the inside out.

What if it was fate that I am to end up alone? Friends slowly vanish, dreams turn into 'what ifs',I never see my boyfriend because he is states away. If this is my fate I want to be someone else. Someone with a bright future. Someone with friends that always want to hangout. Someone else who doesn't stare at glow in the dark stars and doubt their life.

Life is cruel. Trust me. I know that. But I want it to give me a break. No homework, no headaches, no sick feelings over stress and anxiety, no doubts, no restlessness.

Sometimes I wish I could just leave. Blast off into space and look down upon the world and laugh at all the suckers that live their miserable lives on a hunk of rock that they are slowly but surely killing. But it wont happen. Dreams are meant to be just that. Dreams. And reality sets in and reminds me that I am one of those suckers living my miserable life on the same hunk of rock.

I lay in bed tossing and turning with all of these thoughts in my head. Weighing me down, slowly drowning me. Drowning me like there is an anchor tied to my legs and ruthlessly pulling me down further and further into the dark corners of my mind. Corners that have been locked up and chained so no one can see them, but like to break free when I am alone.

Seconds, minutes, hours tick by as I stare at my ceiling counting my fourteen stars. They tell me that I will be okay. Every light in my room is off, but that only lets my stars shine brighter. All I need are my little stars to keep me company in my dark little world. I am not the only one burdened with the feeling of restlessness. Its the dark corners of my mind that make me feel that way. Helpless, lost, missing, forgotten. But my fourteen little stars give me hope.

All I need is one glimmer of hope in my dark little world and I will be okay. Damaged but okay.