A Look Inside My Head

I Wonder

I wonder if they see it.

See the sadness I hide in my eyes. The sadness that is trapped in my soul. The way I look away to avoid seeing them look lovingly into each other's eyes right before they kiss. The sorrow in my eyes when I get stuck in my head for too long.

I wonder if they hear me.

Hear me crying in the middle of the night when things get to be too much. When all my feelings mold into the salty tears that flow down my cheeks. Hear the cracks in my voice when I speak as I try to hold back my tears so they don't have to see me fall apart.

I wonder if they know.

Know that I feel trapped inside my own skin. Know that all I want to do is stay curled up in my own little world in my bed where nothing can hurt me. If they know how my stress and anxiety gets so bad that I could explode. If they know it hurts to see them loving on their significant others while I sit alone.

I wonder if they see my desires.

See my desire to be loved. To be held by the people who care most about me. My desire to be more than what I am. My desire to not be ignored or talked over. My desire to be the first choice and not the backup.

I wonder if they would truly miss me.

If I were to just leave and not tell anyone where I was going. Would they try to find me? Would they give up?

I wonder if they would leave me behind.

Leave me to move on to do better things. Leave me alone to worry if I was the one to drive them away. Would it be my fault that they left?

I wonder if they worry about me.

When I seem drained or sad. When I separate myself from the group because I don't want my mood to bring down everyone else. When I say "it's fine" and its really not.

I wonder when I will finally know the reason for feeling like this all the time.

Why do I doubt my friends? Why am I sad most of the time? Why do I cry so much? Why am I like this? Why am I so insecure in who I am? Why don't I like to let people in? Why do I feel like a burden?

Why?

I wonder...