Broken Melody (Editing)

VII :FINAL.

CEDRIC ROSS COLLINS

Andito parin ako sa ospital, nasa loob ng puting kwarto, nakahiga sa puting kama, nakakumot ng puting kumot habang nanonood ng walang kwentang palabas na hindi ko maintindihan ang istorya, kung tatanungin niyo kung kilala ang palabas HINDI! Mga 90's pa ata tong mga palabas. Ganyan ka-boring dito sa ospital, dag-dagan mo pa ng walang lasang pag-kain...

Pinag-pipilitan pa kasi nung Doktor na dito muna daw ako for 1 day para dito na din magpahinga dahil baka sumakit nanaman ang ulo ko or what.

Pinag-iisipan pa daw nila Mama kung papa-operahan ako, in short pinagpipilitan niya na operahan na ako.

But i declined. I answered them disrespectfully that cause Eli to be angry at me. I prefer to take Medicines than that Operation or anything that can damage my memory.

I know na nasaktan ko si Mama pero i didn't say sorry kasi pag nagsorry ako hindi nila pakikinggan ang part ko.

But to be honest, I didn't mean to hurt my mom or in other words to push her that hard and it was my first time to do that, I never ever hurt my mom before, as in never. Siguro nagawa ko na rin yun dahil sa emosyon na nararamdaman ko kagahapon.

I feel so betrayed kagahapon, I don't know why... I just feel that way.

Ang dami kong gustong itanong na gusto ko namang sagutin nung Doktor na yon pero pinaringgan ko ang pinagsasabi nung doktor sa mama ko at sa girlfriend ko kagahapon.

I heard it, I heard every word of it, and the worse, I can die if i dont go under that fcking operation.

Alam ko ang pinapasok ko at alam ko din ang kakalabasan nito. Yes i declined to operate but that doesn't mean na ayaw kong gumaling.

Sino ba ang ayaw gumaling sa mga Sakit diba? Though others want to die early, but me? Well I don't want to leave Eli and my family that fast. Bata pa ko, madami pa kong gusto sa buhay. Iyon ay mag propose kay Eli at magpakasal sakanya at magkaroon nang masayang pamilya mula sa kanya.

Mas gusto ko pa atang mamatay dahil binaril ako kesa sa mamamatay ka na nga pinapahirapan ka pa ng sakit mo, at mamamatay ka rin naman, di'ba?

And yes, I rather like that way but I'm doing the oppsite way. Pinapatay ko ang sarili ko paunti unti and I don't like it. But I'm not yet ready to leave Eli, though I will not leave Eli if I do that operate thingy but I have the posibility to forgot her and I don't like it lalo na't nakakaramdam siya ng puot sa puso dahil sa nalaman niya tungkol sakin.

And to be honest I know I have a tumor since last year and my tumor is not that big before but I never had a chance to say it to my parents nor with my girlfriend because when I'm going to say it something is bothering me or should I say something is preventing me to say it to them, kasi pag nakikita ko silang nakangiti dahil sakin nakakalimutan kong may sakit akong dala at sabi ko sa sarili ko na 'hindi ko nalang sasabihin dahil pag-sinabi ko baka yung mga ngiti nila sa labi ay hindi ko na masilayan muli' and I did it. Now they discovered it already and all I see now is 'Sadness' 'Pitiness' all over their eyes and when they smile, I never saw the real smile of theirs. What I see is a 'fake' smile to be exact. Eto ang ayaw ko--- pag nalaman nila mawawala ang mga ngiti sa mga labi nila and I don't want it. Ayoko ako ang dahilan ng pagkalungkot nila, ang gusto ko ako ang dahilan kung bakit nakangiti sila. but i'm doing again the oppisite way.

Bakit ganon, kung sinabi kong nang-maaga sa parents ko ay pwede pa kong makaiwas sa Amnesia thingy pero iba pa rin ang ginawa ko though pag sinabi ko naman wala kaming pera that time kaya hindi na ko nagpabigat pa sa kanila. At ang gusto ko na mapangiti sila pero iba ang nagagawa ko, I'm doing again thr oppsite one.

And Eli, ayoko ng dagdagan ang problema niya kaya hindi ko sinabi pati sakanya. I just Love her. Thats all... Being her Boyfriend I should be the one to guide her, advise her, take care of her and of course to Love her. And again, I'm fucking doing the opposite way.

"B-Babe... U-Uh... Sabi kasi ng Mama mo-- a-ano k-kasi...---" Tumingin ako kay Eli ng may halong galit, dahil nag-away kami kanina dahil dun sa opera opera na yon. Kinakampihan pa niya yung doktor na yun na feeling naman magaling. Tss.

"Say.The.Fuck.It." Sabi ko ito kay Eli. Bawat salita ko ay madiin.

Tumingin lang siya sakin at naging blanko ang emosyon. Naghintay ako dun pero hindi siya nagsalita kaya Ibinalik ko nalang ang tingin ko dun sa t.v at patuloy na nood ng walang kwentang palabas.

"I know you're mad at me because of what I did earlier. And I'm so sorry. I am really really sorry... You know what Ross, You don't know how I'm hurt looking at you screaming because your head is aching.-- I-I don't know how to help you-- Because I'm not a Doctor. But I'm doing something that Doctors can't do, a-and I think loving you and taking care of you is one of them. So, I did it... You don't know how hurt I am when the Doctor said you'll forget everything... --"

Sabi niya ito sakin pero pinutol niya ng makarinig ako ng pag sigot at parang umiiyak sa likod ko. Hindi kasi ako humarap sakanya dahil nakatingin ako sa T.V sa kabilang side.

"You know what I did? Well, I just Laugh at it... Because they say, 'L-Laugh is the best medecine for illness.' And hell I did that for like a million times, but it doesn't even lessen the pain I have right now... It is always in my head, keep repeating what the doctor said... -- I'm doing these, all of these for a fucking reason! So don't act like i did something that wont help you, us... I tried my best not to cry everytime when your mother called me and informed me that you're at the hospital because your head is aching, and you had that Amnesia thingy. But my eyes never listen, they always cry. Because they don't want to look at you with those cable in your head and in your hand, and with that sad emotion at your face. They wanted to see you, the real you-- laughing, smiling, joking..."

She continued and i heard a sad chuck from her. And without knowing, my eyes became blurred because of that fvcking water.

"I did every fvcking thing that maybe can heal you. Not with those medecines but a miracle, so you may not take those operation you always denied, because I'm afraid that maybe you'll forget me... Our memories... And I don't want that to happen. -- And Everytime na sinusugod ka sa ospital unti unting nawawala ang pag-asa ko-- na gagaling ka without operation, and there, I figured out na, maybe the Doctor is right... Medicines can't cure your illness, it only lessen the pain..."

Napapikit nalang ako ng marinig ko ang pagbukas at sara ng pinto.

Nahihirapan na siya at alam ko yun... I want to hug her earlier, but i didn't, because she should understand my decision and I will not give up... I will prove them wrong... Kaya kong gumaling ng hindi kakalimutan ang lahat... But seeing her cry is my weakness... But still, I don't want to go under that operation. And thats Final.