Love Ash (Raphael x Reader TMNT fanfiction) [CANCELLED]

If I was able to...

(Art was made by me, please no stealin')

(Y/N) P.O.V.

After I left Raph alone, I returned to my crew. The romantic atmosphere was in the air which made my situation tougher. The melody has just finished and the couples were kissing, my expression changed. I sighed trying not to think about it and to pretend like nothing happened.

Sabine came up to me with a slight worried frown, noticing I was not the one who participated in her little "game of romace".

"(Y/NNNNN)...!!! Why weren't you dancing??? I made this especially for you and Raphael!" - She told me and I faked a smile.

"No worries Sab, I'm not the lovey-dovey type. Dancin' ain't my thing."

"But everyone was dancing except you guys! And well me." - Sabine chuckled slightly at the last part of her own sentence.

I managed to keep it cool and never erase a fake smile off of my face - "Maybe next time, my friend." - I pat her shoulder with a reassuring, yet a fake, smile.

She didn't seem to notice my overthinking and my worries for the one I loved. Honestly right now, I didn't care much. I kept telling myself that he should learn his lesson and to not drive me nuts like this, but there was this "sappy" part of me that kept telling me what I did was wrong...so very wrong. I took a deep breath right after Sabine looked away to grab some snacks from the table. She brought some for me, but I refused politely.

"..well...aren't you gonna dance later?" - She asked with a full mouth.

"Get over it, Sab Bab."

She rubs the back of her neck and smiles nervously - "Eheh, sorry..you know how I can be when it comes to shipping fuels."

I roll my eyes keeping a smile. Everytime she'd look away, I'd rest my cheeks by erasing this horrible thing called "faking a smile". It hurts so bad to see his disappointed expression...but he also needed to be taught a lesson. I decided to stay strong and to not worry about it. Besides, there was a night we gotta spend together as a crew, right?

Time was passing and it was now 11:30 PM. I tried my best to fit in with the crew and just be myself for the rest of the night while I'm here. People were playing twister and I was the one who spun the wheel. It was Ben's turn as he stepped wrongly on the platform which made him fall down and loose the game. He was out for this round as others continued playing their part in the game.

As I was about to spin the wheel again I look towards the restroom with the corner of my eye and, to my surprise, see him exiting it. Who knows how long he has been there. All this time I was checking if he left, but just right now I saw him exiting. He was heading towards the exit of his friend's house, but a female voice stopped him. And no, it wasn't the voice of mine. It was Lidia's.

She said - "Raph? Aren't you gonna join us?"

He turned around and his tone seemed quite nervous...like if he was hiding something. But he was also in a hurry because of something.

"U-Uh? N-No..I'll pass Lidia, I'm headin' home now!"

"But where are you-"

"Merry Christmas y'all and good night!" - Raph yelled as he ran out the house in a big hurry, which left everyone confused. They all looked at each other, and me, honestly I wasn't caring.

"What was that all about?" - Hannah said looking at the others.

Sabine immediately faced me and whispered to my ear - "Did anything happen between you two?"

"I have no idea.." - I say frowning very slightly, actually kind of worried...and guilty.

I wished merry Christmas to others as I left the house at exactly midnight, proceeding to walk back home. It was dark outside, and this city never sleeps, so there was enough light for me to see the direction I was going in. I had my hands tucked up in my pockets as i thought about him. He's probably at home right now, and God know what he's thinking of. But I feel like I've went a bit too harsh on him..? Maybe I did...

I sighed and returned home. I went to my room, changed my clothes and sat on my bed looking through the window.

"...Well...Merry Christmas to...me.." - My eyes started to fill up with tears as I let those finally roll down my cheeks. I've felt like a complete mess now that I've said that to him. Maybe I shouldn't have been so cold towards him...maybe he's feeling something towards me and I just ruined it! Maybe I ruined our chances of even staying friends! This is why I was afraid to fall in love to begin with!

Cold tears of mine ran down my cheeks quickly like raindrops do. I faced up my window and saw the moon, shining ever so brightly. I sniffed and sobbed to myself as my face was covered by moonlight.

"...I'm sorry Raph...I regret everything I've told you...please...come back to me...I-I need you..." - More tears were only racing down my cheeks as I've talked to myself. I couldn't face the fact that I've been a bummer all along, and now he probably doesn't even want me anymore. He's gonna find someone better than me anyway...it's only the matter of time.

I started to sing my own song to myself thinking about these things...

"...I don't know where you are...
Don't know with who you are,
In this night where I am, all on my own,
With pain only...

I don't know where you are,
And I will never know,
If you'll be there for me, or are you forever gone,
Can you still hear me?

If I was able to,
Let my soul go after yours,
I wouldn't be as miserable,
It'd be incredible,
When I'm with you again...

What if I manage to,
Find the path you have left for me?
But I know life has more,
Than it has offered to you..
So it's this way then...

It's all because of me...
Because I wasn't strong enough,
To protect you from the hell, only leaving you to end,
Your happiness...

It's all because of me!
Because I didn't watch out enough...
Tears are spilled, blood as well,
Cause of my hell,
And I blame myself...

If I was able to,
Let my soul go after yours,
I wouldn't be as miserable,
It'd be incredible,
When I'm with you again...

What if I manage to,
Find the path you have left for me?
But I know life has more,
Than it has offered to you..
So it's this way then...

𝑺𝒐 𝒊𝒕'𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒘𝒂𝒚 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒏..."

(Btw guys, this was my own song I've written, I hope it's good ^.^)

After I've sang quietly to myself, I've laid down on my bed and covered myself over my head, crying hardly onto the bed sheets, wanting to just fall asleep and never wake up again. But the sleep did not come as easily as expected.

I've spent this Christmas in tears so much wanting to never wake up, and who knows in what universe he is right now or if he even cares anymore. I've never cried so hardly in my entire life...