Finding Myself

22: Quinn

"What do we do?" Riley asks as I notice her cheeks turn bright red and she stares at the ceiling.

"What do you mean what do we do? You close your eyes and I put on the towel. Unless you have other plans?" I tease.

Riley hesitates for a few seconds and my heart starts beating like crazy. Does she actually want to see?

"No no no, your plan sounds like a good one. I'll close my eyes now," she yells. I'm bummed out that she didn't want to see anything. I would have let her look down. Oh my god, what am I saying. I need to get that idea out of my head now. I wonder what her parents must be thinking downstairs.

Riley closes her eyes and this time I'm the one hesitating. I can't flash Riley though, that would be wrong. Also she's not gay so it could ruin our friendship if I try something like that.

So I turn around and grab my towel that's on the floor. I wrap it around my body and signal to Rikey that she can look now. She still refuses to look me in the eyes though. She walkd over to her drawers and gets some pajamas for me. She comes up to me to hand me the clothes and our hands slightly make contact. She looks up at me and our eyes lock onto each other in an intense stare off.

I slightly shiver and feel goosebumps all over my body and I immediately pull my hand back. I can't let anything happen. We're just friends, that's all.

I head back to the bathroom to change and after I'm done I rest my head against the door and sigh. I need to compose myself before I get in the same bed as her again. When I feel like myself again I open the bathroom door and I see Riley sitting on the bed and staring at her tortoise. She has this sad look in her eyes, she looks like she could cry any second and her arms are wrapped around herself.

I don't even hesitate before I'm by her side the next second to comfort her. Seeing her like this tears at my heart. I just want to see my happily shy Riley again.

"Hey," I whisper as I wrap my arm around her shoulder. "What's wrong."

Riley looks at me and gives me a fake smile before looking away. "Nothing. I was just lost in thought, that's all."

"Riley, I know you. I know when something is on your mind. You scrunch your eyebrows and clench your jaw. Not to mention you have a hard time looking at me when something is off or when you're embarrassed. Judging by the fact that you're not fidgeting with your hands or sifting from one foot to the other, I know you're not nervous. You're sad. Is it because of earlier? You know you can talk to me about anything."

"Nothing is wrong, Quinn. You don't know me as well as you think you do," she retorts. She's wrong, but I just sigh and try not to push her further. Riley is way too stubborn to push to talk now. I'll just give her time and wait for her to come to me.

"We should probably get some rest. It's late," I add. Riley agrees and we both get under the covers and try to find comfy positions to try to sleep. Riley faces the wall so that she doesn't have to see me. I guess me trying to ask her what's wrong really angered her. That wasn't my intention, I was just so worried. For a few seconds throughout the day I saw her looking so broken. She hides it well, but I could tell how much she's hurting.

Minutes pass then hours pass and I still can't sleep. I'm so tired, but I can't sleep because I'm overthinking. I just want it to stop, but there's nothing I can do. I wish Riley would turn over in her sleep so I could see her beautiful face. Just to make sure she's okay.

Ugh, who am I kidding. I also want to see her face because she makes me feel better. Riley makes me feel at ease and understood without even saying a single word.

I can't get her out of my head. I just can't. She's the only person that I think about.

I'm so stupid and cliche. Falling for my friend. This is not how I planned to spend my senior year of high school.

Eventually I fall asleep for a while and I'm so glad. However, I wasn't going to get a full night's sleep because sometime later I'm awoken by Riley thrashing around in bed. I groggily try getting up and when I finally open my eyes and look over at Riley, she is sitting up now. She's sobbing.

I immediately get up and put my arms around her. She tries to push me away and get up, but it's no use. I'm holding onto her tightly, but she tries her best to get out of my grasp.

"It's okay. It's okay, Riley. You're going to be okay," I repeat over and over again.

Riley continues sobbing in my arms and she keeps whispering, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Raf." She's trembling and it breaks my heart to see her like this.

Riley starts to struggle with her breathing and I let go of her to see what's wrong. Her breathing is rapid and she refuses to look at me. She tries to get up and almost falls to the ground, but I grab her in time. I hold her up, but she starts slumping down in my arms and I move us to sit on the floor. She puts her hands against her head and tries to breathe normally but she is struggling so much. She starts to slightly rock back and forth in my arms and at that moment I realize what's happening. She's having an anxiety attack.

I force Riley to face me and say, "Riley. Look at me. Breathe with me. Okay. In and out. In and out." Riley tries to follow my pace as I continue to encourage her. I remove one hand from around her to caress her cheek to keep her focused on me instead of what was making her panic.

"It's okay, Riley. You're safe. You're in a safe place. Nothing will happen to you. I'm here with you, don't worry," I say trying to soothe her.

She eventually starts to calm down and breathe normally and she looks so exhausted. I let her lay in my arms as she tries to slow her breathing more. When she's okay she buries her head into my shoulder and i just hold her tightly. We dont say anything for several minutes. We just sit there in silence.

How many anxiety attacks has she? Does she normally get them a lot? How many has she had this year or week? Are they always like this for her? Was the last time she had trouble sleeping an anxiety attack?

My heart is breaking for Riley and I don't know what to do. How do I help her?

After a while Riley pulls away from me. She refuses to look at me as she gets up. She looks around the room for a second and the next thing she does is try to leave the room. I get up quickly and grab her hand before she's out the door.

"Are we really going to ignore this? Riley, this isn't good."

"I know it's not good, but I can't stay in the room. I feel like it's closing me in, like I'm suffocating. I need to go outside now," she responds pulling her hand away and running out the room and down the stairs.

I ran out close behind her as she opens the front door and gets out. She walks around outside taking in the fresh air. It's a bit chilly out since it's still pretty early out. The sunrise hasn't even occurred yet. I shiver a little and wrap my arms around me as I watch Riley. She paces around her driveway, but it doesn't seem like it's calming her down. She looks so agitated.

"Want to go somewhere pretty?" I ask. She looks at me with a desperate look and tells me where her parents keep the keys. I make sure to grab our phones and blanket before heading out the door.

"Where are we going?" Riley asks as she continues to tremble.

"Do you trust me?" I ask as I start the car.

"Yes," she answers without hesitating.

---------------------

Author note: This chapter is kind of important and personal to me. I have anxiety and panic attacks. I used to get both all the time. I would get anxiety at school, at malls and other crowded places and wake up in the middle of the night with panic attacks. It was tough for me when I was growing up, especially between the ages of 17 to 19.

I'm much better now. I've gone to therapy and learned how to control my anxiety and cope when I have my attacks.

No matter what you struggle with, you're not alone. And one day you will be okay. Maybe not now or soon, but in the future you'll be okay. Take it from someone who struggled a lot and is still figuring things out.

I love you guys all so much, without you all giving me your continous support I wouldn't be doing this. I wouldn't be doing one of my passion which is writing.