Finding Myself

58: Riley

I sort of messed up.

I was going to tell Quinn I loved her. She looked so adorable and her freaking out over the ferris wheel was so funny. I felt so free and happy in the moment that I was going to admit just how much I love her. However, I chickened out and the next second she looked at me and I panicked. I said the first thing that came to mind which was to ask her to be my girlfriend.

That's not the worst thing I could have said, but I also didn't think this through. How is this going to work? Are you going to be together in secret?

Well it's too late now to back out. Quinn ultimately lashes out at me for asking in the worst situation for her, but then she says yes. Despite not knowing if I actually wanted this or not, I'm so relieved and happy to hear her say yes. I was scared for a second that she would say no because I didn't think she would actually want to be with me in that way.

I'm nothing special. Quinn is everything, she's so out of my league. So to hear her say yes makes my whole day, actually it makes my whole year. I'm so damn in love with her. But I'm such a coward. I couldn't tell her how I really feel, I was just too scared. The consequences seem too daunting.

"You're the most important person to me now," Quinn declares which snaps me out of my thoughts. I can't help but smile, yet I have a gut wrenching feeling that something is going to go wrong. I try to push it away as she gives me another quick kiss before leaning her head on my shoulder.

It takes a few more minutes before we get to the end of the ride. We hop off and decide to walk around to look for another ride to go on. As we wander I feel Quinn's hand brush against mine. I gasp at the slight skin contact, but I try to remain calm. I can't keep panicking everytime my girlfriend touches me. 

Quinn softly grabs my hand and intertwines our fingers. I immediately get flustered, thank god she can't see my face right now because she would probably teases me for how red my cheeks are.

We continue walking around and pass an older couple who look displeased with us. For a second I think they are looking at someone else, so I turn to look around. There's no one besides us, so I figure they are looking directly at Quinn and I. The woman starts to narrow her eyebrows and clench her jaw. It looks like she is about to say something, but her husband stops her. Yet he looks at us with such a disgusted face as he focuses on our intertwined hands.

I turn to Quinn, but she didn't notice the couple. She's been talking to me the whole time about something, but I wasn't paying attention to her. I pretend like I listen, but I can't keep the looks that couple gave us out of my mind. Are we always going to get those looks when we hold hands in public? Are people always going to treat us like that?

It leaves a gut wrenching feeling in my stomach and I just want to go home. I feel defeated. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I can't help it. I let a simple glance get the best of me. I'm so weak. What's wrong with me?

"Let's go on that ride!" Quinn points to and she drags me over to it before I can say anything. We make it to the line and wait with everyone else. Quinn tries to talk to me about what she learned in her classes. I patiently listen, but my heart isn't in the conversation now. I'm hurting. I feel hollow and I just want to go home and lie down in bed.

However, I try to put on a happy face. I don't want Quinn to know how I feel now. I don't want her to think I regret asking her to be together. I don't want to hurt her. She looks so happy and carefree now, she's gone through a lot this week and I don't want her to suffer more. I just want her to be okay, even if it means that I'm not okay.

Quinn leans over to kiss me on the cheek and it snaps me out of my thought. "Are you okay? You seem a bit distracted. Are you daydreaming? She chuckles.

"Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about some homework that I forgot was due tomorrow," I lie.

Quinn chuckles and teases, "You're always thinking about homework. That's good, but crazy. Don't worry, I'm pretty sure you'll still have time to do it when we get home."

"You're right. I just can't stop thinking about how to solve the problems," I lie again.

Quinn smirks and walks closer to me so that she can pull me in her arms. Then she leans her head near my ear to whisper, "Don't worry. I have an idea. Think about what will happen after you finish that homework assignment."

"What do you mean?" I ask as her breath tingles my ear and gives me goosebumps over my body.

"Oh nothing, just warning you that I'm going to pin you to the bed and straddle you later," she whispers. Her answer makes my cheeks go red again and Quinn pulls away so that she can see my expression. I'm so shocked that I can't say anything right now. She has successfully got me to stop thinking about earlier. Now I can't stop thinking about what she will do to me at home.

"Did it work?" She asks while smirking. Of course it did and she knows that. I can't help but smile and Quinn kisses my cheek. Then she rubs the sides of my waist, knowing damn well that I like her doing it.

"Can we go home now?" I joke, making her laugh.

"Eager much."

"Well of course. How can I not be with such a beautiful girl who I can't stop thinking off," I blurt out. Quinn smiles widely before grabbing my face to kiss me passionately.

Then she let's go a few seconds later and softly pushes me away. I groan and she starts chuckling. "Can't get you too excited now. We still have a while before going home."

"You're so mean," I whine.

"Not true!"

"Yes you are. You're not letting me do the things I want to do to you know," I whisper.

Quinn looks shocked at my confession and tries to get me to talk, but I keep my mouth shut. "Now look who's the mean one. You can't say that and expect me not to want to know what you mean," she whines.

I wink at her and reply with, "Oh two can play at this game, baby." She rolls her eyes at me and playfully pushes me away. Yet, pulls me back the next second so that she can hold me hand.

Regardless of the little things that make me feel bad, Quinn always has a way of making things better. A second ago I felt like crying and now I can't get this damn smile of my face. I really need to get a handle of my emotions. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I know that's not always a good thing, it gives people the easy opportunity to hurt me. I have a lot of growing up to do, but it helps having Quinn by my side. I feel like I can overcome any problem with her, I hope that's always true.

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Author note: Hello! I hope you are all having an amazing day. Also, I uploaded a new video on my youtube channel. This video is very personal to me, but I thought that it was very important to share. I want to spread awareness and help as many people as I can who are going through toxic relationships. The video is down below if you would like to watch it.