Finding Myself

34: Quinn

I spend the rest of the day at Malcolm's, in the afternoon our other friend Suzie comes by as well. We sit around in Malcolm's room and just watch funny videos the whole time to keep my mind of off Riley.

Riley tries texting and calling me, but I refuse to pick up. I can't talk to her now, I just can't. If I do then I might just run back to her and I know that's not healthy for me. So I throw my phone across the room, not caring what happens to it.

My friends notice and they scoot closer to me so that they can wrap their arms around me. I'm glad to have them in my life. However, I'm sad for Riley, she doesn't have this support system except for Mason.

Am I supposed to distance myself from Riley now? Should I stop being her friend?

I can't, that would be devastating to her. However, I need to put myself first and being her friend isn't good for me. Ugh, why is everything so complicated!

I wish she would pick me, but she's never going to do that.

"What are you going to do on Monday?" Suzie asks, snapping me out of my thoughts. I shrug, I honestly don't know what to do.

Normally I sit with the cheerleaders and football team, but I don't feel like sitting next to Riley. "Can I go with you guys to the band room?" I ask.

They give me soft looks and immediately say yes. Thank god, I can't imagine being all on my own on Monday.

"What if...what if she does like you though," Suzie comments.

"So what? She'll always pick Mason. Can you really see them ever breaking up? They are like the power couple of the school," Malcolm adds, making me feel awful.

"But, the way she acts around you, Quinn, I've never seen her act that way around Mason," Suzie says.

"You guys stop, this type of thinking isn't healthy," Malcolm blurts out. He's right, but I can't help but feel the tug of war going on between my mind and my heart.

"Okay, I'll stop, right after I ask one more question," Suzie declares. "Quinn, sometimes love isn't always easy, sometimes it's hard and full of high and low moments. My parents argue a lot and get in heated debates, but ag the end of the day they try to figure it out and resolve the problem. Are you trying your best here or running away so that you don't get hurt?"

I hesitate for a long time before even looking up at Suzie, but when I finally do I can't say anything. I'm speechless. I don't know how to answer her.

I feel like I am running because I don't want to get involved with something messy, but is leaving Riley all alone the right thing? On the other hand, I've never felt this way with anyone before, Riley is so special to me. I owe it to my heart and to Riley to try with her. Shouldn't I tell her how I feel?

However, Mason is in the picture and I don't want to hurt the guy because he is actually a really nice person.

And what if I tell Riley how I feel? What if I beg her to choose me? What would she do? What if she doesn't pick me? What if I end up looking like a pathetic loser?

But what if she picks me?

This is such a complicated decision. At first I thought leaving was the best thing, but now I'm not so sure.

It starts getting dark out so I ask Malcolm to give me a ride home. Before he drops me off he gives me one last hug and comments, "Whatever you decide to do, remember that we are here for you."

I thank him before getting out and walking into my home. My parents greet me and I have to lie about what an amazing day I had with Riley. I wish I could talk to them about my problems, but I can't. They don't know I'm gay yet, I just haven't gotten around to telling them.

So I make an excuse and tell them that I'm really tired. They let me go to my room early and I decide to take a shower.

I let the warm water spray over me and I try to relax a bit, but Riley immediately pops into my head. I try to push her out of my mind by rubbing shampoo in my hair, but all that does is make me imagine Riley putting her hands through my hair. I groan out in annoyance and switch to rubbing body wash on myself, but that slightly turns me on since the idea of Riley touching me comes into my mind.

Why can't I take a goddamn shower in peace!!!

I quickly finish the shower and walk into my room with one towel wrapped around me and the other wrapped around my hair. I lay down on the bed and grab my phone to notice more messages from Riley. I go against my better judgement and decide to open the messages.

11:52 A.M.
Riley: Quinn, I can explain. We need to talk, please.

12:14 P.M.
Riley: Quinn, please answer my calls or text.

12:37 P.M.
Riley: Quinn, please, say something!

12:57 P.M.
Riley: Quinn, please come back. Let's talk this out, I don't want to ruin our friendship.

That message makes me scoff a bit, it's a bitter reminder that she only sees us being friends.

1:36 P.M.
Riley: I'm sorry for leaving you behind. I'm sorry for everything. Just please talk to me.

2:15 P.M.
Riley: Tell me how to fix this.

That message really gets my blood boiling. Why can't she mention that we almost had a kiss and that she is stringing me along? Why can't she take responsibility for her feelings and actions?

4:30 P.M.
Riley: Our friendship is the most important thing to me Q.

Fuck! This message hurts me so much, but also makes me feel so many emotions because she called me by my nickname. How can one girl make me go crazy?

I throw my phone to my side and get up from my bed to change. I think it's best to just get some sleep now, if that's even possible. It's going to be a long night for me.

I quickly get dressed in pajamas and brush my teeth before hopping into bed. I turn off the lamp to my side and stare up at the ceiling.

I wish my life could be more simple. It's at these times where I wish I was straight. The thought makes me want to throw up, but everything would be so much easier. I could be with someone and not be judged everyday of my life.

Fuck. I just want to love someone who loves me back and who wants to be with me. Is that so hard to ask for?

I hear my phone ding on my bedside table. I grab it and look at it only to freeze.

10:54
Riley: I miss you.

This message hits my heart and it stings. I can feel my bottom lip start to quiver as I tears roll down my cheeks. I grab one of my extra pillow and put it over my face so that it will muffle my sobs. I don't want anyone to hear how much I'm hurting in this moment.

After a while I stop crying and just lie there in bed. I feel so hollow and can't do anything, but stare at the ceiling. Everything is so fucked up right now. However, I eventually drift off to sleep.

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Author note: Welp, sorry for another short and sad chapter. Don't worry though, I'm nowhere near done yet.

Also, I posted another YouTube video about the reactions I got from my friends and family when I came out as bisexual. If you would like to watch it and support me, click below!