Finding Myself

32: Riley

"Dad, I need to go out now. It's important, but I'll be back soon," I tell him and he looks at my face and immediately nods. I guess he can tell by my expression that I need to do this.

"If Quinn wakes up, tell her I'll be back soon," I say before getting up and walking out of the room. I leave my home and walk over to Mason's. I knock on the door and he answers it and his face lights up as he sees me.

"Babe, hi!" He says enthusiastically. I give him a small smile, but turn my face so he kisses my cheek instead of my lips. He looks at me weirdly, but motions for me to come inside. We head to his room and he plops down on his bed and looks up at me.

"What's wrong?" He asks.

"What's wrong is that you spent the whole night in a competition with Joshua," I start.

"Oh right, I'm so sorry about that. I'm sorry," he repeats.

"Mason, let me finish please," I say and he shuts up right away.

"Look, if you want to hang out with your friends without me there, that's okay. I get it. Just because we are dating, it doesn't mean that we have to be inseparable. We can have our own times to hang out with our own friends without worrying if the other is having fun," I explain.

"Okay I get that, but I don't want you to be alone, Riley. You don't exactly have lots of friends and I don't want you to be lonely if I'm not with you," he adds.

"Don't you see how wrong that is though. Mason, I love you, but you can't save me from everything. Believe me, I would love it if you could, but that's not how life works. Maybe I am a loner and thats okay, that's on me. I need to change my life not have you change your life for me. I don't want to do that to you. I don't want us to change our lives for each other."

Mason gets up and grabs onto my arms softly, "What's wrong, Riley? Why are you blurting this out all of a sudden? Help my understand what got you to this thought process."

I sigh loudly and pull away from him. Damn you Mason, I'm trying to have a serious talk. Stop being so nice.

"Mason, it's been talk that's long overdue. We do everything together and it's driving me insane. I don't want you to regret anything because of me and I don't want to regret anything because I'm scared to upset you."

"Wait a minute, are you breaking up with me somehow? Or what? I'm so consfused," he blurts out.

"No I'm not breaking up with you, I'm just sharing how I feel. I know it's weird because I never do this. I'm not sure if I'm even making any sense right now, but I'm trying to speak up for myself. And where I'm getting at is that I don't want to feel forced to do the things that I hate because you like them. I hate going to parties, going to all the sporting events and i don't want to go to UCLA."

Mason looks at me in shock and I get why. I've never said all of this to him before. I've always done everything he wants without saying anything. So me basically dumping this load of information on him is a bit much bit it was needed. I don't know how to be subtle, I just know how to be emotional I guess. I really need to figure out a better way to tell someone how I feel, but this is a start. I'll get better communication skills along the way if I keep sharing how I feel though.

Mason finally snaps out of his thoughts and says, "Why didn't you tell me how you feel earlier? Why did you do things that you hate?"

"I don't know, because I'm stupid and shy and afraid of losing you."

Mason face softens and he walks over to me, he intertwines our hands and says, "Look, despite how abrupt and confusing this is for me, I would never want you to feel like you had to do all these things for me. And if you dont like doing the things that I like that's okay, that's normal and I won't be upset because of that. You won't lose me, Riley. You could never lose me for anything. No matter what our future holds, no matter what fights we get into or if we aren't together in the future, I'll always be here for you."

Those words hit my heart and I start tearing up again. Like I said, I'm way too emotional today, it's been really hard for me. Mason pulls me in for a hug and whispers, "It's okay if we don't go to the same school or have the same dream."

Mason is being the perfect boyfriend. He's not fighting me at all and is being so sweet and understanding. So, why do I still feel like this is wrong.

What the fuck. I literally spoke up for myself. I did everything right so why do I still feel this.

I'm hugging Mason and in the back of my mind I'm thinking about Quinn. I don't want to be with Quinn. I'm fixing things with Mason. I'm doing everything to be with him. Why can't my stupid heart pick him. It would make everything so much easier. I'm trying so hard to make everything right and it's still not enough.

"Everything is going to be okay, Riley, don't worry," Mason says as he tries to make me feel better. It doesn't though. Everyone keeps saying this to me and they are all lying. Every day that passes, I end up feeling worse.

I feel so trapped. I feel like I'm the worst person in the world. I feel like I'm being fake. What more do I need to do?

I just want to be normal. I'd give anything to be someone else. Someone who isn't an only child because their brother died, someone who isn't shy or scared all the time, someone who isn't questioning whether they should stay with their boyfriend or not, someone who doesn't have any feelings for their friend.

"Want to go out? I'll buy you breakfast," Mason offers.

I should accept his offer, but I'm thinking about Quinn. She's sleeping in my house, I can't leave her alone. I don't want to leave her.

"I can't, Quinn slept over, I need to go back home soon, I just wanted to come over to talk."

"What happened between you guys?" He asks, making my heart drop. Wait a minute? Does he know? That Quinn and I almost kissed? How would he know?

"What do you mean what happened? Nothing happened?"

"So, she didn't get angry that you set her up on a blind date?"

Ohhhhhh, he's talking about that. "We talked it out, we are good now. However, tell Joshua a second date will not be happeneing."

Mason chuckles and kisses me. I don't feel anything when our lips touch. All those emotions that he made me feel before are gone now. It takes everything in me not to sigh or push him away. I just kiss him back and pretend to be happy when he pulls away.

Why don't I feel anything when I kiss him? Do I not love him? No, of course I love him, I just didn't feel passion from that kiss. Would I have felt passion if I kissed Quinn?

"I have a better idea, how about you invite Quinn to have breakfast with us. That way I can also apologize since I was in on the set up as well," he suggests. I don't know how to get out of this so I just nod and hope this will be okay with Quinn.

"Okay, cool. So, how about I go over in like forty five minutes to pick you guys up? Foes that sound good?"

I nod and he kisses me one last time before I walk out of his room. I came here as strong as ever and now I'm leaving feeling completely defeated.

I thought I could fix all my problems now, but that's not how things turned out. I'm more lost than I was before. If I don't feel anything when I kiss Mason, does that mean I should break up with him? Or should try to get that spark back. Don't some couples lose that after being together for a while and have to figure out ways to get it back? It's normal right?

Yeah, it is. I hope.

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Author note: Lots of people keep asking for updates and about longer chapter, but let me reinterate this is a rough draft. I'm still trying to figure out my story as you guys read along. Some chapter are short and others are long because I stop writing when I feel like a scene is over in that moment. For sure I'll make it longer or cut scenes when I rewrite, but that's not until later. Also remember writer's block is a bitch, I can't write all the time. I write when I get inspired and sometimes it's hard to get in that mood. So I promise to update once a week, but I can't promise more than that. Sometimes I won't update for a couple of days or a week and other times like today I'll update two chapter in one day. That's just how it works for me.

So any comments about updates or chapter length will be deleted immediately because they just frustrate me and make me want to stop writing.

With that being said. Have a good Monday.