Finding Myself

23: Quinn

Riley doesn't ask again where we are going, she just stays silent and tries to control her breathing so she doesn't have another anxiety attack.

We drive for a couple of minutes on the freeway before exit and make our way towards the beach. Since it's so early in the morning there isn't much traffic. We reach the entrance of Crystal Cove state park and I pay a small fee to park the car. I get out and grab the blanket and follow a trail. Riley follows close behind me and we make our way closer to the shore.

My parents took me hear all the time when I was growing up. Being here is so peaceful and it helps me relax and get things off my mind. I know it will help Riley.

Close to the end of the trail there are stairs that lead down, but there's also a bench where you can sit to watch the waves crash against the tide pools. This is where I stop and sit. I pay the space next to me and Riley sits down as well. I unfold the blanket that I brought and wrap it around us so that we don't freeze.

"Did you send a message to your parents?" I ask Riley.

"Yeah I did. They'll see it when they wake up, I hope they understand. Thanks for getting my phone before we left," she replies.

We stare at the sky for a while and wait for the sunrise. It doesn't take long before the sky changes from a dark purple to a golden yellow as the sun peaks out. We see beautiful arrays of yellow and orange and light blue all mixing together until the sun is high in the sky. It's so breathtaking that I don't notice Riley holding my hand until now.

I glance down at our hands and smile as I look back up at the sky. I intertwine our fingers and it feels so right. I just want to stay in this moment a little longer with her.

After a while the sun is baalring down on us and it starts to get hot. I'm sweating from the blanket that's covering us, but I didn't want to move. Finally, Riley gets up to stretch and her shirt lifts up a little bit to reveal some of her skin. I have to glance away because my cheek turned red from looking at her. I just want to hold her close to me and kiss her, but I can't.

"Do you want to walk along the shore?" She asks and I instantly reply yes. Anything to spend more time with her.

I get up to fold the blanket then I head down the stairs with her. Once we get to the sand, we take our shoes of and walk through the sand towards the water. We don't dare dip our feet in because it will probably be very cold. We just walk close to the water along the beach.

"Why did you bring me here?" She asks abruptly.

"This place always helps me calm down and think through tough times. I just thought it might help you," I reply.

She stays silent for a few seconds before saying, "it did help. Thank you for bringing me."

"No problem. You can come here whenever you're feeling down or confused. I can come with you if you want."

"Thank you, Quinn."

We walk in silence again, enjoying the cool breeze and listening to the waves. Then Riley stops and I do too as I look at her in confusion. "I'm ready to talk about what happened. Can we sit down?"

I nod and we walk towards dry sand to sit. Riley tries to start the conversation, but she keeps stopping. She's still trying to find the right words and I don't hurry her. She needs time and I understand that it's hard for her to open up.

"I have a brother. Well I had a brother. His name was Raphael, but we just called him Raf....."

Riley hesitates and I grab her hand in encouragement and she continues, "He died a long time. I was just seven, so I don't remember much. But from what I recall he was the best brother. He was kind and funny and always looked out for me. He didn't deserve what happened to him."

Riley takes a shakey breath, trying to refrain from crying. I start to say, "you don't need to tell me more if you aren't ready."

"No, I need to. I need to talk about him. I have too or I feel like I'll explode."

"Okay, go on. I'm all ears, I'm here for you," I remind her.

Riley gently squeezes my hand as a thank you and continues her story. "My brother didn't die in an accident or by natural causes. They killed him. These bullies from his high school. They also tried to make fun of him and make his life miserable. They were so racist and thought they could get away with everything. My brother refused to stay quiet though. He always defended the other kids and stood up for himself."

"Sometimes I hate that he did that. If he was a coward maybe he would still be alive and here with me today. But Raf wasn't a coward. He was brave and good," she adds, but stops to take a breath.

I scoot closer to her and put my arm around me and she leans into me. I hug her and hear her sniffle. She's trying so hard not to cry and it's breaking my heart. After a few minutes she pulls away to continue telling me about her brother.

"These bullies hated that a mexican wasn't taking their shit. They hated Raf so much to the point were they jumped him after school. They beat him up. They beat him to death."

What she says makes me shiver and my heart drops. I feel so disgusted and horrified. They killed him. They killed her brother! And for what! Just because he was a different race and color. That's awful and it makes me so angry. These damn people took someone important from Riley. They ripped him out of her life.

I notice tears rolling down Riley's face and I extend my hand to her cheek to brush the tears away. Riley gives me a small sad smile before she looks at the ocean and adds, "they bashed his face so badly that it was difficult to recognize him. At least that's what I overheard my parents saying. I don't remember much, except for the fact that he was so bloody. I heard that it was such a gruesome scene."

"The police got those kids right? They are in jail or juvie or something right? They have to be punished a long time for this."

Riley stays silent for a while before answering, "They barely got punished. They said that my brother started the fight. No one believed that they were the ones that started it. It was their word against my dead brother. They said it was self defense and the fucking judge and jury believed it. Can you believe that! Four guys agaisnt one person and they said it was self defense. No one believed us when we tried to fight for my brother's death. Everyone ostracized us. My family started getting death threats from people. We were grieving and so fucking scared for our lives."

I stayed silent. I didn't know what to say. I was pissed off and sad for Riley. How could someone so wonderful go through something so horrible. How could there be people so fucking horrible in th world.

"I miss him. I miss Raf so much. And the worst part is that if it weren't for the pictures and videos of him, I would have forgotten what he looked or sounded like," she whispers. I pull her in a hug and she holds me tight. She breaks down and starts crying.

Riley doesn't tell me anymore details of her past and I don't push. She has told me enough and I appreciate that she trusted me enough to do so.

I now understand her better than ever before. This is why she froze yesterday and tries not to get any attention in school. She's afraid. Shes scared that the same thing that happened to her brother will happen to her. That's why she's also so shy and makes herself so small.

I hold her until she calms down and she wipes her tears away. "Thank you," she whispers.

"For what?"

"For being here for me. For understanding me and not pushing me."

"You know I'll always be here for you," I tell her.

She gives me a big smile before replying with, "I'll always be here for you too. I promise."

She gives me another hug that makes me heart go crazy. Then she stands up and helps me up before we walk back to the car.

---------

Author note: This chapter was pretty heavy. What were your thoughts at the end?

Luckily I haven't faced much racism, but I know so many people in my life who have. It's so disgusting and wrong. Please always stick up for all races, colors, sexualities, gender, ect.