Finding Myself

54: Riley

"How are my two new friends who are always together?" Megan asks as she sits down at our table.

"Um good," I reply. Megan looks like she wants me to elaborate but since I don't she changes the topic. "Anyway, coach is looking for you, Quinn. She needs you and some other girls on the team to fill out some papers for transportation."

"Now?"

"Yes, now," Megan chuckles as Quinn sighs. She packs her stuff and gets up, but before leaving she turns to me.

"I'll see you at practice?" She questions.

"Of course, I'll be there. Remember that my mom is picking us up, she might be a bit later though," I respond.

"That's fine. I don't care as long as you're either me," she blurts out. Under normal circumstances I would have become a blushing mess st her comment. However, since Megan is with us, I try not to show any emotion to what she said.

Quinn tries to change the topic before Megan notices by asking, "Aren't you coming, Megan?"

"No, I already signed. Coach is waiting in her office. Just go on by and sign, she doesn't need parents signatures since that was taken care off in the beginning. You'll most likely just add some info like if your address or numbers changed and that's all," Megsn adds.

Quinn nods and waves goodbye to me before leaving the library. I would have loved a kiss from her, but it's not the move to do now.

Not even a minute has passed and I already miss her so much. I feel a little hollow without her here. "What's wrong? You seem sad all of a sudden," comments Megan. "Is it because Quinn left?"

"What. No, I'm not sad at all," I reply trying to change my facial expression.

Megan smirks and raises an eyebrow. "You know nothing gets passed me. I know when there isn't something you're telling. Is there something going on between you two?"

"We are just friends, that's all. So, I have no idea what you are trying to get at," I lie.

"I don't believe. You two can't be just friends. The way you look at her and she looks at you says something else," she explains.

Is it really that obvious to see? Does everyone think the same as her? Does everyone know I have feelings for Quinn? Does Mason know? I don't want to hurt the new friendship I started with him.

"Look, whether you are or aren't. It's okay to be gay, bisexual or anything else," she whispers. "I would never judge you based on who you like. You're my friend and I don't judge or turn my back on friends."

I scan the room and it seems like no one is paying attention to us, but I'm paranoid. I don't want anyone else knowing anything now because I don't even know what I am. So, I tell Megan to grab her stuff and get up. I pack up and tell her to follow me outside. Once I check that the coast is clear and turn to Megan and blurt out, "I love Quinn."

I widen my eyes and reevaluate what I just said. Holy shit, I wasn't going to say I'm in love with her. I was just going to say that I like her. Where did the love come from. I mean I know how I feel about Quinn, but I didn't think I could say it out loud to someone.

"It's about damn time!" Megan squeals.

I look up at her in surprise and she starts dancing around and trying to get me to join her. "Stop, why are you acting like this?" I ask her.

"What do you mean why? I'm happy for you. Why aren't you happy? You should be so ecstatic!"

"No, I'm the opposite of happy. I'm freaking out!" I reply as I sit down down to catch my breath. I didn't even notice that I started hyperventilating.

"What's wrong, Riley? Why are you panicking? There's nothing wrong about having these feelings," she tries to explain.

I cut her off to says, "You don't understand. A few weeks ago I thought I was always in love with Mason and I find out that I'm not. Now I'm having feelings for Quinn. A friend. Most importantly, a girl. Don't you see how fucked up everything us now?"

"Riley, I don't understand..."

"How could you. You have it easy. You fell in love with your boyfriend. No one questions you because it's normal. What is everyone going to say when they find out Mason and I broke up and that we were never in love, that I actually was in love with Quinn. How are people going to take that? How is society going to react?" I blurt out.

"Riley, stop. Stop. It's okay," Megan says as she sits down next to me. "Who gives a fuck about what anyone has to say. Anyone who gives you shit for loving someone is a miserable and arrogant person. Fuck them. They don't matter. What matters is that you're in love. For the first time you're in love."

"What if I'm scared of being in love. What if it's not enough? Love doesn't fix everything," I reply.

"Oh, Riley. Love is something else. It's beautiful and scary, but so worth it. I see the way you look at Quinn, I can feel the love you guys share from across the room. That understanding, that feeling of being at home with someone, with loving them despite their flaws. That's what makes life worth living. The promise that we will all one day feel that all encompassing emotion of love. And yes, maybe love doesn't fix everything, but it's a start. It's hope that things can be fixed someday. That maybe, just maybe the world will be a better place in the future. All it takes is just a little bit of love."

I stay silent as I try to process everything that Megan told me. She's right. Love is so important. When it feels like the walls are closing in on me, love has always helped me push through. Whether that be the love my parents showed me, the love Mason taught me and everyone else who has stayed by my side and supported me. Even in my darkest moments, when I couldn't stop crying or get out of bed because Raf was gone, the memory of love that he shared with everyone around him helped me survive. Love is stronger than fear. I just have to keep reminding myself everyday.

"Thank you," I whisper before pulling Megan into a hug.

"Anytime. I'm always here for you," she whispers back. We pull away from each other and look up to watch the clouds pass by for a few minutes.

"Do you think she loves me back?" I suddenly ask.

"Without a doubt," Megan immediately answers back.

I'm still not convinced that someone as amazing as Quinn could trully love me. However, I'm trying to let the idea at least float around in my mind. There's years of self doubt and fear that I have to push through. It's going to be hard, but I don't need to do it all at once or by myself. I've come so far from the beginning of the year and I have my whole life to be the person I want to be. I'll get there one day.