Finding Myself

45: Quinn

"Amber, come here now," My dad yells to my mom. She comes running in frantically asking if we are okay.

"We need to have a family talk, right now," my dad adds, but my mom still does not understand what is going on. I can't blame her, I also don't know what will happen.

"I just overheard our daughter saying something I never thought she would," he starts to explain, but stops to turn to me. "Tell your mom."

"What's wrong, sweetie," my mom says as she sits down next to me. I'm absolutely terrified, I don't want to tell them anything so I just stay silent.

"Tell her, now," my dad repeats and my mom tells me to take a few steps back so that I feel better. It doesn't work at all though.

"You can tell me anything, Quinn," my mom adds and I stare at the ground. I can't look at her, I'll just break and I don't want my parents to see that, but I've started trembling and I can't stop.

"Tell her now, or I will," my dad threatens. My mom gently pushes him away and tell him to lower his tone.

I don't know what to do. I'm not ready for this. I haven't thought through how I want to explain it to them.

I'm not ready. I'm not ready.

I'm not ready.

"Apparently she is in love with a girl," my dad spits out.

My mom focuses back to me and says, "No, that can't be true. Your father heard wrong, didn't he. He misunderstood you, right?"

My heart drops. This is not how I expected their reactions to be. Why is my dad yelling at me? Why is my mom questioning me? They are supposed to accept, right? Why aren't they saying they love me?

"Quinn, you're father heard wrong, right?" My mom repeats.

This time I look my mom in the eyes and I try to lie, but I can't. I'm speechless, I'm just a trembling mess and then I start to sob.

"You're not gay," my mom whispers after she wraps her arms around me. "You're just confused, but you're not gay. It will be okay."

"Okay? How is this going to be okay? What's going to happen now? What if people find out?" My dad asks.

"Everything is going to be okay because she's not gay okay. It's just a phase. Everyone goes through this questioning phase, it's normal to question yourself in high school. She'll figure herself out and realize she isn't gay, okay," my mom says trying to reassure my dad.

I start nodding my head from side to side and whispering no over and over again. My mom becomes concerned and looks at me.

I take a shakey breath and finally say, "I'm gay." My parents stare at me in shock and I try to stay strong and not shed another tear but it's extremely hard right now.

My mom let's go of me to get up and she stares at the wall. I wish she would look at me, I wish she never let go of me. I wish they could understand me.

"You're not gay!" My father yells.

"Yes. Yes I am," I blurt out as I start to sob again. What is wrong with me? Why am I being so emotional now? Why can't I be more confident?

"No, you're not. I don't have a gay daughter. Don't you see you're confused. How could you possibly know that you're gay. You've never had a boyfriend or girlfriend before. You don't have any experience," my father tries to explain.

"I've had experience, I just never told you guys. I know it in my heart. I don't want to be with boys. I know it," I reply.

"You've gone behind our backs?" My mom asks with a hoarse voice.

"I didn't mean too, I just wanted to know what it was like," I respond.

"You've really disappointed us now, Quinn. You're just a child, you don't know what you want. Yet you're clearly trying to be as rebellious as possible. It's partly our fault. We let you have too much freedom," my dad declares.

My mom starts crying out of nowhere and my dad tries to comfort her. "Are you happy now, Quinn. You've broken your mother's heart and mine."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean too," I reply as I try to wipe the tears away.

"That's enough, Quinn. Go to your room now, we are done with you. You're grounded and until we can fix this mess you're not allowed near any girl. Forget about ever being with a girl, it's not going to happen. Ever," my father adds.

I suddenly go from feeling powerless to full rage. How dare he think he gets a say in my future. I'm almost eighteen, I'll be leaving for college soon and he thinks he can stop me from trying to be happy? That's not what a father is supposed to do.

"You can't force that on me. I'm gay and there's nothing you or I or anyone can do about it. That's just how I was born," I reply defiantly.

"How dare you talk about. What the hell is going on with you, Quinn. Do you suddenly think you have authority in this household, no, you don't. You obey what I say, no matter what. Don't you dare disrespect me again," he says.

"But, dad, please understand me. I didn't ask for this. I didn't choose to be gay, it just happened!"

Before I can say anymore I feel a sudden sting on my right cheek and I lose my balance and have to lean back against the wall. I hold my hurt cheek and look at my mom in shock. She has her hand raised slightly and her eyes are wide.

My mom tries to speak, but I don't let her, I quickly push past them and run to the door. I open it and run out without another thought.

I can't be there anymore. I feel like I will either suffocate or explode. I need to just leave, but I don't get very far before I fall to the ground. I start to break down and hold my knees to my chest as I lay there on the sidewalk.

The amount of betrayal I'm feeling from my parents is so much. I can't believe they reacted like that, I was never expecting this from them. I thought they were understanding, but I was wrong. They don't understand. They think it's n easy fix but it isn't. Believe me I've been trying to fix myself for a long time, it took a good amount of time to figure out that I'm not messed up. The world is.

I'm taken out of my thoughts by the feeling of cold water hitting my skin. The sprinklers of someone's house are on now and just soaked me. I crawl out of the way, but it's no use. I just don't have energy to do anything about this new situation now, I'm still trapped in the one I just had with my parents.

However, I am freezing, it's starting to get cold out as the season changes to winter. I finally get up and wrap my arms around me for some warmth. I scan my surroundings and try to figure out how close my friends houses are. Susie lives the farthest away, so I take her off the list, it would take too long to get to her. I could go with Malcolm now, but in the opposite direction there is Riley.

I should go with Malcolm though, Riley probably doesn't want to be bothered. She did fake being sick today so that she could run away from me. Therefore, Malcolm is the best person to go to now.

However, I don't start walking to Malcolm's house, I head for Riley's. I should turn around, but I can't. It feels like my legs have a mind of their own now. I just can't get myself to change my course.

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Author note: Did I choose to write another chapter instead of studying for my finals, yes I did.

Was this chapter hard to write because I became emotional, yes it was.

I hope everyone is doing alright. Stay safe and wash your hands!