Finding Myself

30: Quinn

After hanging out with Riley and her parents, we all get pretty tired and decide to go to bed. Luckily, my mom is letting me stay at Riley's for the night and I I couldn't be more happier. Today has been perfect, I just wish that that I could be with Riley in more than a friend way.

Riley and I head up to her room and she let's me borrow some clothes to wear. While I go change, Riley heads over to her tortoise, Walter, and pets his shell. I walk over to her and she tells me to pet Walter, I'm a little hesitant at first since I've never pet one before and this reptile looks like he can chomp off my finger.

I shakily put my hand closer to the tortoise and wait a second to breathe. Suddenly, Riley says boo loudly in my ear and I jump from fright. She laughs like crazy and I playfully push her. She continues laughing and I roll my eyes at her until she finally calm down and she gets up.

"You have to admit, that was very funny," she comments. I remain silent and just scorn her.

She walks over to me and suddenly grabs my hand and pulls me toward her tortoise enclosure. She puts my hand on the top of Walter's shell and it's so smooth, I wasn't expecting that.

"See, you have nothing to be scared of," she says softly. I start to blush a little as I notice that her hand is still on mine and I slightly turn to look at her. Since she's shorter I look down at her and she looks up at me.

I can't help it, I lean back into her a little and get closer to her face. We are centimeters apart and if I wanted to I could kiss her, but I hesitate. Riley breathes slowly and I see her glancing at my lips. She has to feel this. I know she has to. I can't be the only one feeling this.

I've been pushing these feelings away, but it's getting too hard when we have these intense moments. She has to be having trouble with this as well, right?

I let go of the tortoises shell and turn around to face Riley. I make sure to keep only a few centimeters away from her face so that we continue this moment. Riley is frozen and holding her breath, I know I should stop. Maybe I'm pushing her boundaries, but I don't want to stop. I know what I want. I want her.

I lean forward until our foreheads are touching. Riley still doesn't move, if she didn't want this she could move away from me, right? I don't want to shock Riley right away, so I turn my face so that my lips are almost touching her cheek. Still she doesn't move, so I continue. I place a kiss on her cheek now and Riley slightly shivers. Still, I see no resistence from her, so I kiss her cheek again and again, with each kiss moving slowly closer to her lips.

I raise my hand to cup her cheek as I gently pull her closer so that I can finally kiss her properly. However, I see Riley open her eyes wide and she pushes me back.

"Woah woah, you can't touch someone's face after touching a reptile, it's not sanitary," she blurts out. I look at her quizzically as she rants about how unsanitary tortoises can be. I know this is an excuse. There's no way in hell that if we weren't on the brink of kissing she would be telling me all of this.

"Go wash your hands now!" She says pushing me towards the bathroom. I roll my eyes and chuckle to hide the pain of being rejected. I really wanted that kiss, so badly.

But I'm glad that she didn't have a bad reaction to the kiss. I mean she's ignoring that it almost happened, but it's better than her being angry at me. So, I kind of get the feeling that she wanted it too and maybe that thought scared the hell out of her.

Regardless of all that, I walk to the bathroom and wash my hands and come back in the room. I sit on the bed as I watch Riley go wash her hands then walk around the room so she doesn't have to sit next to me.

"We should probably go to sleep now, it's late and I'm tired," she says. Then she finally comes closer so that she can push back the cover and blankets to get into bed.

I sigh and get into bed with her, but Riley makes sure to face the opposite side and go to the corner of the bed. Great, I might have really messed things up today. This day was the most hectic thing I've ever been through. Fuck.

I face the ceiling and try to go to sleep, but I can't. I just keep thinking about that almost kiss and it makes my heart race. That slight contact we had gave me shocks all throughout my body, I'm even getting goosebumps just thinking about it. It felt so right. So fucking perfect in fact. It was like we were meant to kiss, but the world is cruel to me. The world likes to tease the absolute fuck out of me and its heartbreaking.

Fuck. I might be in love with this girl.

You know what, I'll be honest for once. I'm in love with her. I know I am. I've never felt this way before with any girl in the past. No one has even compared to Riley. She's everything and more to me.

She's sweet and smart and funny. You might think she's super shy and reserved, but she's not. She just needs time to open up and when she does let you in, it's fucking amazing. She's sunlight, she makes my days so much better.

Now that I know I'm in love with her, what do I do? We almost had a moment today and she looks like she will deny it. I doubt that if I tell her how I feel she will leave Mason. They love each other so much and I don't want to get in the middle of that. Maybe if I start pulling away it might be better?

I'm in too deep and I know my heart will get broken, so I need to think about myself. I need to slowly break away from Riley so that it doesn't hurt either of us too much. Regardless of anything, I think Riley is an amazing friend and I don't want to lose the friendship. So, maybe spending less time together alone is for the best. If Mason is around or my friends, then nothing can happen between us. No cheating and no heartbreak.

I look over at Riley and she is still face the wall. I want to hold her so badly,  ut I can't. I turn around so that I'm face the other side. I don't want to look at Riley anymore, if I do, I don't know what I'm capable of doing right now.

After a while I close my eyes from exhaustion and fade of to sleep soon after. There is no point in worrying about all this now. I'll deal with this all another day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

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Author note: Did I really lie when I said I was going to focus on studying and school instead of writing? Yes, yes I did. Writing is just much more fun and I can't help it. I'm not the brightest person and I should listen to my own advice. Hopefully you will learn from my mistakes. I hope you guys put your education before other things because it's very important.

Again, I know you all want them together, but character growth is important for me. So, you'll just have to continue reading to find out what happens to them.