Secrets Behind Finding Rafael (Published Under PSICOM Publishing House Inc.)

10:18 PM

Benjamin

I never thought shifting to Political Science was the best decision that I've ever did on my entire life. It was actually that kind of a decision that I will probably choose if chances are given to me to live again.

Right after Rafael suggested that to me, I was hesitant. Kasi I am already on my third year. Isang taon na lang, makaka-graduate na ako.

Pero hindi ko talaga kaya.

Kinakain ako ng hiya ko para magpatuloy.

Feeling ko, kapag nagpatuloy pa rin ako sa course na Economics, hindi na ako magiging masaya. Because a part of me has been bruised. Kapag nagpatuloy ako, patuloy lang din akong magiging paranoid.

What if hindi pa rin ako makapasa sa pag re-take ko ng Econometrics?

What if kahit gawin ko ang lahat, hindi talaga ako para sa course na 'to?

What if nagsasayang lang pala ako ng apat na taon para sa bagay na hindi naman pala para sa akin?

And these doubts became permanent to my fragile system. Para bang naka-tattoo na ito sa aking utak. No one can erase it but me walking on another path where the painful memories of my past can't lurk in.

The first time I shifted to Political Science, it was kind of hard for me to cope up. It was really hard. Kasi obviously, Political Science is different in many ways. May mga bagay sa Economics na contradicting sa course. Which I found hard to cope in.

But as the days goes by, with the help of Rafael, I began to love the course more than my first love which is Economics.

Without me expecting for it, Political Science became the course that made my life challenging yet ravishing and complicated yet thrilling.

In short, Political Science gave me another chance to bounce back. This time, with stronger combat and unbeatable mindset.

Iyon din ang mga araw na nanumbalik ang pagkakaibigan namin ni Rafael. We became best friends again, which is what we really are back in Senior High School.

Pero hindi iyon nagtagal.

Until that day comes . . .

It was Tuesday. It was the subject Government and Politics of South East Asia. We were grouped into three. Ang grupo na iyon ay permanente na sa buong semester. Meaning, sa lahat ng projects, activities at reporting, sa grupo ko lang ako kakapit.

Well unfortunately, napahiwalay ako kay Rafael. I was grouped with Beverly, Luke and Angelique.

Which was the last on my list.

For the love of god! Pare-pareho kaming magiging pabigat sa isa't-isa neto!

I was really hoping to be grouped with Shantal or Rafael for higher grades but here I am, dealing with the same capabilities as mine. Napaka-bitch talaga ng tadhana.

"Bakit kasi tayo ang nagka-grupo?" Luke hissed. But the humor is evident on his tone.

"H'wag ka na ngang maarte." Angelique rolled her eyes at him. Then she pointed her fingers to me and Beverly. "Itong dalawa, oh! Matino 'yan, paniguradong hihigitin tayo niyan pataas."

I heard Beverly to sigh.

And I just laugh awkwardly.

I never knew that that day will be the start of my unending friendship with them.

Unexpectedly, we built a facade with a firm foundation of friendship as we tried to pass the subject.

And without me knowing it, I was grasping out of Rafael. Slowly, hindi ko na namalayan na lumalayo na pala ako sa kanya. Na paunti nang paunti, tinatapos ko na palang muli ang pagkakaibigan namin.

It was that inevitable moment where you can't help but to go through. Iyong may dadating na bagong mga kaibigan kaya wala kang choice kundi kalimutan iyong nauna. Kasi, mas napapasaya ka ng bago. Kasi, mas buo ka sa kung anong mayroon ka kapag sila ang kasama mo at hindi iyong una.

Truth was, when I am with Rafael, insecurities are eating me.

Bakit ang liit ko tapos si Rafael, matangkad?

Bakit ang pangit ko kapag pawisan pero bakit hindi si Rafael?

Bakit kahit anong dami ng pagkain ni Rafael, hindi siya tumataba katulad ko?

Bakit mas gusto nila si Rafael kaysa sa akin?

Bakit laging si Rafael na lang ang magaling?

Paano naman ako?

Yes, I am toxic. But I just can't help it, that's why I ended our friendship. It's for me and him. Kasi I can't just continue my friendship with him if I secretly have ill feelings with the whole him-- if I am not whole whenever I am with him. For sure, I will continue to lack at anything if I choose to continue my life with him.

Kaya ko tinapos.

Nagising siya isang araw na wala na, bigla na lang akong lumayo sa kanya.

And he just found himself not asking for the reason why. He just adjusted to the circumstances just like what he did a few years ago.

Well, I am shit. I know it.

"Piggy, wala na bang ibibilis iyang matataba mong hita?" Calvin is still fuming. Kaunti na lang talaga at kukuha na ako ng BP para i-check kung malala na ba ang pagka-high blood niya.

"Teka naman!" Hingal na anas ko. Paano ba naman ako makakahabol sa kanya kung ang dalawang hakbang ko ay isa lang sa kanya?!

"I am fucking telling you, come faster or I will fucking leave you here alone."

"Come faster?" I laugh hard all of a sudden.

Napahinto siya. "Anong nakakatawa doon?"

Then I made a serious face. And then when I flash my tongue, I acted as if dog styling the air.

"Ugh, come faster. Come faster!" I mumbled as if moaning.

When I opened my eyes, I saw him walk towards me and I was the quickest to run away from him. "Takte! Hindi ka na mabiro!" Truly, gone are the hours where the Calvin with long patience is living.

"You motherfucking Piggy! Don't you ever come back here! I will fucking beat the shit out of you!"

Kinakabahan pero natatawa, tumakbo lang ako nang tumakbo. Hindi na inalintana pa kung saan ako dalhin ng mga paa ko. Basta ang alam ko lang, namalayan ko na lang na nasa garden na pala ako ng school.

Here I am, standing on the gate of it.

And I found myself smiling as memories started to flash before my eyes.

I found my heart fluttering.

This place . . . I share my most pleasurable moment on this place.

With Angelique.