Shantal
You sprinkle stardust on my pillow case.
It's like a moon beam brushed across my face.
Nights are good and that's the way it should be.
The song is still playing when I stop dragging my feet. I gasp after seeing a certain spot on this University. That certain part I never want to see again. That certain part that I avoided in three years now.
I found myself breaking down more. With my hand on my mouth. My heart dangerously beating. And my unending tears cascading down my cheeks as if there's no tomorrow.
This is too much for me!
Fucking too much!
Pagkatapos naming mag-tanghalian ni Rafael ay naglakad na kami papunta sa classroom. As usual, siya iyong nag-insist na magdala noong dala ko. Hinayaan ko na lang siya habang ako ay parang tangang ngiti nang ngiti bawat segundo.
"I love this." I silently mumbled as I continued smiling. My eyes are on the ground and my arms are snaking Rafael's sturdy arms.
I heard him chuckle.
And that was the point where my smile grew more. Ang puso ko ay dumadagundong sa kilig! Pwede bang ganito na lang lagi?
"I love you." Hindi ko napigilan ang aking bibig.
Sa sinabi ko ay natigilan siya.
Well, pati rin naman ako.
Ito na yata ang unang pagkakataong sinabi ko iyon sa kanya. All this time, I am only spunning around him while saying sweet nothings except those specific words.
At one moment, I want to slap myself because I thought, I chose the wrong words. But when my gaze landed on his face, I was stunned.
His jaw is clenching but his eyes are telling something. Something out of the context of anger. It is more of a intensity brought by the name of love.
Na-intimidate ako dahil doon!
Napapakurap akong tinanggal ang pagkakayakap sa kanyang braso. Akmang tatakbo na sana ako nang bigla maramdaman kong muli ang kamay niya sa kamay ko. Natigalgalan ako dahil doon. Lalo akong nag-panic!
And before I knew it, he is dragging me towards the back of the Political Science Department. At wala akong magawa. Tila bang isa akong inutil noong mga oras na iyon, hindi ako makagalaw.
Patuloy sa paglakas ang tibok ng puso ko.
Unti-unti akong nawawalan ng lakas sa bawat pagdagundong ng dibdib ko.
The vibration on my chest is . . . uncontrollably halting my whole system.
"R-Rafael," I whimper when he gently pushed me against the wall. Behind the building. Where no one can see us.
"Do you really love me?" He told me. It seems not a question, it's a demanding statement where I have no choice but to just say yes.
I bit my lower lips. Then I swallowed hard before I speak but I was halted when he spoke again.
Napapailing siyang ngumiti sa akin. His breathing is dangerously uncontrolled. "God, Shantal. Don't bite your lips. It's making me want to taste it."
Napakurap ako.
Kasabay ng pag-awang ng mga labi ko.
"Now, I will ask you one last question." He took a deep breath, "Do you . . . really love me?"
This time, he held my hand. And he brought it to his lips, I was never ready when he pecked a kiss on the back of my palm while still staring at me as if I am his impossible dream come true.
Iyon ang dahilan kung bakit lalong hindi ako makapag-salita.
What the hell is wrong with me?!
I effin dreamt of this!
Bakit ako natitigalgalan ngayon?!
The air seems to leave my lungs when he hold my chin. He moved my head upward for me to meet his eyes.
And . . .
And then little by little, he moves his face closer to mine. Hanggang sa malaman ko na lang na magkadikit na pala ang mga ilong namin. Ramdam na ramdam ko na kung papaanong naging masikip ang kanyang paghinga.
"Just say yes, baby." He is now staring at me as if I was his potential end game. "Please?"
Hindi ko talaga magawang mag-salita.
Para akong nakulong sa sariling katawan. Nakagapos. Nakatakip ang bibig. Walang magawa kundi ang huminga na lang nang sobrang lalim.
Nanginginig ang mga tuhod dahil sa pinaghalong saya at kilig, all I mustered was to just nod.
And the next thing happened is . . .
I felt his lips on mine.
He gently assault my lips.
With his soft lips crashing and nipping my fragile lips, I involuntarily opened my mouth. And I was surprised when he entered my mouth using his tongue. And swear, that feeling was the best.
Then in between of our dreamy kiss, he mumbled, "You are mine, baby." He cupped the both of my cheeks and kiss me more as if he is craving for my lips for a long time. "Only mine."
That moment.
That specific moment where I lost my first kiss, I never thought that the bliss I felt that time is existing. It's borderline surreal and heavenly ravishing. And I know-- I am sure that I will forever be enveloped to that scene of
Rafael and me, kissing behind the building of Political Science. Him, mumbling his first I love yous to me. And him, claiming me as his own.
Napaupo ako sa lupa.
Hanggang sa para bang nananadya ang panahon. Biglang umambon. Lumamig ang paligid, namalayan ko na lang ang malakas kong paghagulgol.
You sprinkle stardust on my pillow case.
It's like a moon beam brushed across my face.
Nights are good and that's the way it should be.
"Tumigil ka na!" I screamed on the top of my lungs. "Putangina! Ayoko na!" Tinakpan ko ang mga tainga ko habang patuloy pa rin sa paghagulgol.
You make me sing "oooh, so bright, oooh, so bright"
Now I'm shining "oooh, so bright, oooh, so bright"
'Cause now I'm shining bright, so bright.
Bright, so bright.
Bright, so bright.
"Pagod na pagod na ako, Rafael!" I started to punch the ground as if seeing his face there. "Pagod na pagod na ako!"
Hindi ko na inalintana pa ang pagdaloy ng dugo mula sa mga kamao ko. I continue punching the ground. Until the ground's color started to turn crimson. But I am not on the mood to stop.
I will never stop.
Never.
Not until my heart forgets everything.
BINABASA MO ANG
Secrets Behind Finding Rafael (Published Under PSICOM Publishing House Inc.)
Bí ẩn / Giật gânSeven teenagers who bullied Rafael Chavez, a discreet bisexual teenager, have to find and save him within twenty four hours in order to prevent him from committing suicide or else, they will be held accountable for his death. In that short amount of...
