My Pathetic Life

February 9, 2020

Sunday
10:00 am
      February has a strange spelling. I don't want to get out of bed. It's warm and quiet here. If I get out of bed that means the day has officially started and I have a lot to do. I'm too tired for this.

     Why can't I just lay in bed all day? Food can wait. Food stresses me out. Well, everything stresses me out. I have homework, I have to shower, I have to clean my snake's cage, and I have to socialize with my family. That last one is exhausting enough. Do people shower every day? I don't have the motivation for that. My hair is so stringy it clings to my forehead. Disgusting. I need a haircut.

     I suppose I'll get out of bed. It's 10 am and my family will be wanting me. Maybe I can play with my brother if he's in a good mood. I'll just throw on a hoodie and go downstairs.

     My dad says I need to help garden outside. I say I'm busy with homework. He rolls his eyes. It's freezing. I should eat something. The news says a cop was shot. Why is the world so negative? Am I rubbing off on it?

     I stuff a piece of baguette with turkey and butter. My dad says it's not healthy for breakfast. I don't care. I learn that more people have died from the Coronavirus. Fun. Nothing like a plague to kick-off 2020.

     The back of my throat stings and I swallow the dry, buttered bread. My brother waddles around outside making high pitched noises, carrying around a small purple sandcastle mold. I decide to go play with him. He makes me happy.

     I changed my mind. As soon as I step outside they'll make me help. My mom is rolling him around in a wheelbarrow. Cute. My parents leave him in there while they work. Stupid. They're stupid. I look up to see it's tipped over. He starts crying. They comfort him. Don't they ever think? He's only one year old and already accident-prone.

     I work on homework. My brother spins the upside-down wheelbarrow wheel. I'm tired of writing brother, so I'm calling him by his name. It's Ryan. Tea sounds good. I'll make some tea.

     I text my friend who lives in Texas. I feel slightly better. It fades as I realize I don't have any friends here. Ryan is inside because my parents need to work. He watches the window like he's in jail. Mom takes him outside again. The tea makes my stomach warm.

     Mom made carrot cake yesterday. It's not my favorite but I eat some anyway. I'm such a fatass. I should stop eating altogether. I have more tea. I heard too much tea lowers your iron levels. That's probably not good but I don't care. I'm probably anemic anyway with my symptoms.

2:00 pm
I need to finish my homework. I came upstairs to get another pencil but I ended up lying in bed. I'm tired. Why can't I just stay here?

My room is disgusting. I hate it when it's dirty. There are clothes, books, and random shit everywhere. I need to clean it. I don't want to get out of bed. God, I'm so lazy. It's already 2 pm. I'm freaking myself out now thinking about school tomorrow. I don't want to go. Why can't the weekend last forever? My room can't hold this much anxiety. I have things I need to do yet I can't get out of bed.

My head hurts slightly. Maybe I need to drink more. Is tea not hydrating? I want to sleep so I'm not tired. I didn't sleep till 2 am last night. Stupid, I know. I didn't want to sleep. Sleeping brings the day faster. I hate sleeping at night. I hate day.

Will anyone even read this? Probably not. I need to write my thoughts down before they devour my insides. I already feel them clawing at my stomach. I probably have a headache from my phone. I don't care. My phone makes me happy. Not much does these days. Is happy the right word? It's a temporary distraction from life. There we go.

I realize I still need 10,000 points on a game before the event ends. More anxiety. Why don't I just delete the game? It stresses me out. Then I'll be stressed out realizing my progress would be wasted. I hate feeling trapped. It's a stupid game, get over it. I really should get that pencil.

Shit. Fuck. Every swear word. I made the 10k points. It's 2:47. My parents will wonder what I'm doing. I'm anxious. Jumpy. I need to get downstairs before they find out I've been wasting time. There's not enough time in a day. So much to do. I get up too fast. My head spins.
I wish I would just blackout.

4:30 pm
     My homework isn't turning out how I wanted. These colored pencils are shit. They are hard to hold, color terribly, and keep breaking. They rub off on the other pages. Ryan is fussy. He's crying too much. Too loud. No reason. My temper runs thin.

     My hand hurts. I'm tired, but I don't want to sleep. The sky is darkening and I really don't want to go to school tomorrow. My anxiety can't take it anymore. Maybe I'll wake up sick from my sister. She has a fever right now. It's blind hope and unlikely. Whatever.

     I'm having more tea. Tea is comfort. I like tea. Third cup of the day. Fuck. I still have to shower. My hand hurts, I'm taking a break. I need to shower. I hate showers. I feel like my personality changes too much. It's annoying. My sentences are now choppy instead of earlier. Can't I be consistent for once?

     It's 5 pm. I've decided to try and shower. I can't go to school like this. Oliver's cage will have to wait to be cleaned another day. He hasn't been eating lately. More anxiety. I want to take him to the vet because of my URI suspicion but my parents say it's too expensive. It'll only be $100 at the highest and I have $400 saved.

     I'm upstairs to shower. I don't want to shower. Too much work. Too much looking in the mirror at my disgusting body. Ugh. I wish I could sleep and not wake up. I think I'll listen to music. I feel sharp abdominal pains again. Fun. I wish I could chew my lip off to forget my problems.

I have to drag myself out of bed. I have to shower. What's stopping me? Why is it so hard? People actually shower every day? This is stupid. I'm getting in the shower now. At least to avoid my parents for a while.

6:00 pm
I showered. Are you proud? Probably not, I'm supposed to shower every day. Once a week ain't cutting it. Oh well. Ryan's watching Pingu. It's an amazing show and I don't care what you say. It's the only thing we can stand that actually entertains him, thank god.

I ate a bell pepper. Wow, something healthy, surprising I know. It's one of the only healthy things I enjoy eating. I eat em like apples, core and all (except for the stem of course). Delicious. I still have homework. Fuck. Can my hand take it? It's going to have to.

I just realized this is really long for one day. Should I do this every day? Sure why not. I should have done this a year and a half ago when all my mental shit started but it is what it is. I'll be surprised if you actually read to this point. It bores even me to read. Hopefully school is more interesting. Probably not. It's going to just be me complaining about how shitty people are, my anxious thoughts, how much I hate my guitar teacher, and why I wish natural selection was a thing among humans. I'm getting distracted again, I need to do my homework.

7:00 pm
Did I just staple my finger? Maybe. Does it hurt like a bitch? Fuck yes ow. Why does this hurt so much, it's just the tip of one end? There's not even any blood. Don't staple your finger kids. Still doing homework. I'm taking a break screw it.

What to do if you staple your finger (I am not a medical professional so if your finger explodes don't sue me):

1) Take a picture. This like never happens.
2) Marvel at how painful it is it move it.
3) Yank it out. It hurts less than doing it slowly.
4) Wash your finger and put a band-aid or something on it. Maybe disinfect it I guess.

This has been a medical lesson with the one and only im-sorry.

8:00 pm
Time to spend another night contemplating life. I'm not new to Wattpad by the way. Ya boil has been reading fanfiction since the beginning of time. See you tomorrow. Stay safe. Ciao.

shit its school tomorrow