My Pathetic Life

February 29, 2020

Saturday
9:00 am
     Happy Leap Day. My alarm that I forgot to turn off woke me up at 6:30 am. Fun. I fall back asleep and wake up at 9:00 am. After sitting there staring at the ceiling, I realize I fell asleep in my clothes. This lazy thing is becoming a bit out of hand.

    I slip into a baggy shirt and some comfortable pants and throw a hoodie on. I go downstairs and my dad asks if I want this chili burrito thing he's eating. I say no and spot a box of cheerios on the counter. Wow, when was the last time we bought cheerios?

    I honestly could care less about my diet atm. I'm already a fuck up, what's a terrible diet going to do? I pour myself a bowl before realizing the most vile thing. These are plain cheerios. Not honey nut. Who does that?

    My mom says it's because they are technically for Ryan and she doesn't want him having too much sugar. I proceed to have the most disappointing bowl of cereal of the century.

     I want to cook or bake something today. I was planning on making Chicken Tikka Masala because it's damn good but apparently, my mom is already making roast lamb. It's only 11:00 am, who plans this stuff? I'll make it tomorrow. I clean up my room a bit and then proceed to sit on my phone doing useless things that bring me mild enjoyment. Worth it.

     I decide to bake coffee cupcakes. If you don't already know, coffee is the best thing in the world and so are coffee-flavored things, such as coffee ice cream. If you don't like coffee, you can take your basic ass and leave. I'm joking, I respect you coffee haters (and pity you because you are missing out).

    Lunch (dinner?) is eventually ready and it's good, especially the Brussel sprouts on the side. If you don't like Brussel sprouts you aren't cooking them correctly. You gotta chop em in half, throw em in a pan with some oil, lemon, and salt, and cook them on the stovetop. Then you put a shit ton of cheese on top, let it melt, and it's heaven.

    My sister is being whiny and complaining about the vegetables. My dad makes her sit at the table until she finishes this puny parsnip. I laugh. What, it's funny, she's on the verge of tears because of a vegetable. It doesn't even taste that bad.  

    I partake in an experiment on if you can reheat a cookie. I take a damp paper towel and wrap one of my cookies in it and pop it in the microwave for 10 seconds. It comes out a bit soggy but alright. Next time I'll skip the paper towel.

     Ok, cupcake time. I brew a strong four ounces of coffee and pop it in the fridge. The frosting is salted caramel so I put some sugar and water on the stove to make it. I think I did it wrong because it comes out thick and a bit grainy but it tastes good so whatever.

    I pop the cupcakes in the oven after making the batter, surprised to see them rising so well. After they come out I heat up the "sauce" to make is an actual liquid, I whip together the butter and powdered sugar. I gotta admit, the frosting is fire.

     I sacrifice a cupcake to try, disappointed when I find that you can hardly taste the coffee.  Whatever' it still tastes good. I slap on that frosting with a spoon because I'm too lazy to pipe it today and call my family over. You can sorta taste the coffee and it tastes good so it wasn't a complete flop. I wouldn't make it again though.

     I have a great idea though. I have this hella good chocolate cake recipe that is literally the best thing in the world. If I replace the one cup of boiling water with a cup of hot coffee and make a mocha buttercream, it might taste really good. I'll have to remember that.

    I clean up and my family goes outside. I'm tired so I chill on the couch. My mom is getting sick and we all still have a lingering cough. This sickness refuses to leave godamnit. We watch Malcolm in the Middle on Hulu (a great show, you should watch it) until my dad says he's going to sleep. I take this chance to retreat to my room for the night. I remember I have a shit ton of homework and literally want to die. I'll just... deal with it tomorrow.

     Also, if you've read this far, congratulations, your reward is: How To Access Porn When Your Parents Have Restrictions on Your Phone.
...everyone probably just left lmao.

Step 1: You need to go to an incognito or something. Now, chances are, they've blocked private mode on Safari, but private mode is for basic bitches. We've got better things. Go ahead and download the google app. Click on the account icon, scroll down, and turn on that incognito mode.

Step 2: Now, what you have to do is go to google translate. You need to select the language "Persian." Once that's done, go ahead and type "porn" and translate it into Persian. It'll be some weird symbols, obviously. Copy that and search it up.

Step 3: Most of the options will be in, well, Persian, but the URLs aren't. Also, most of them will be restricted but don't fret! Some of them aren't. Look at the URLs and click a ton until you find one that works. PornHdVideos or something usually works, but you can only watch the first video that shows up. Keep leaving and coming back to the page to get new videos. Sexiranian party something or the other also works.

Step 4: If you click on something and/or try to play a video and a subscription thing comes up, don't worry. It's not a virus (I think). Just click the back button (NOT THE ONE AT THE BOTTOM the one in the top left-hand corner) and try again. It'll work. Do this as many times as necessary. I don't recommend downloading any videos because I'm not sure if it's safe.

     You're welcome. I'm going to go and read stories now. Until tomorrow. Stay safe. Ciao.

3:30 am
     haha

      so... change of plans

     what the fuck is wrong with me I need to sleep. ok, I'm definitely going to sleep now.

     but I'm really anxious about my homework load hnnngg. and I'm so hungry my stomach is killing me. well shit. I'm going to sleep anyway. goodnight hopefully.