My Pathetic Life

February 25, 2020

Tuesday
7:00 am
     I ended up sleeping at 9:30 pm. New record for earliest time slept! I was too tired to do anything else. I did handle Oliver a bit before I slept and he seems fine. If only he would eat.

     I throw on some clothes and really take my time getting ready. I don't want breakfast. Also, good news, I weighed myself this morning and I was 117 pounds. That's 4 pounds less than Saturday. I notice my wrist is skinnier. I have this weird dip where my thumb connects to my hand, which is new. I'm not complaining.

     After brushing my retainer, brushing my teeth, washing my face, and reading for ten minutes my mom calls something up the stairs. She's asking about breakfast. I say I'm not hungry but she insists. I ask if I can just have a bell pepper or something healthy but she offers a bowl of cereal. I'm too tired to ask for anything else so I agree.

     She asks me to pick one. I look at all the options, panic rising in my chest. I really don't want to eat. I wish I could google the calorie count of each of them. I think it was a granola cereal, frosted shredded wheats, and honey bunches of oats. I don't want any. I try telling my mom I'm not hungry again but she doesn't budge. I pick honey bunches of oats.

    After reluctantly eating a bowl of stupid cereal, my mom hands me vitamins and a pill (medicine because I still sound sick apparently.) I force it all down and leave with a cup of green tea.

7:40 am
It is extremely cold and windy today. My guitar blows like a flag in the wind. I sip the burning hot tea but it feels numb as it goes down my freezing throat.

I eventually get on the bus and finish my tea. I found myself still tired, even though I had gotten a good amount of sleep.

Period 1&2
History. I have no idea what we are doing and what I have to make up. I ask my friend and she says we did presentations and discussion questions. The teacher puts on the announcements. They have microphones now. Wow, you miss some crazy shit when you are absent apparently.

The teacher then hands out honor roll certificates. As you can tell, our whole school is a bit... I always say this but whatever- elementary. I get a certificate for having a 4.0 GPA. They come with wristbands to this arcade place I've been to once. My friend says it sucks but I thought it was pretty fun. I did laser tag with my dad and it makes my chest ache that kids my age don't like to do fun things anymore. Apparently, they are all too mature for it now.

Our teacher says he's missing a wrist band. He goes to get one and finds out he was supposed to give the certificates out tomorrow. He makes everyone give them back muttering something about "don't ask questions, I only do as I'm told."

He seems in a touchy mood today. I think the vice principal came in yesterday because he goes off on how we behave better with her than with him. I just ignore him and do my work. I don't finish on time but that is because the other people had yesterday. I ask if I can turn it in tomorrow and he says ok, then no because he needs the articles, then yes because I offered to take a picture.

Period 3
Health. We are doing alcohol stations. I'm lost but the teacher fills me in. As usual, the work is easy af. The kids at my table are younger than me and a bit annoying but whatever. I managed to get done today's work and yesterday's work with ten minutes to spare. I go talk to the teacher to take her up on that extra credit work she offered.

I tell her I finish my work. She asks if I finished yesterdays. I say yes. Her face morphs into what I presume to be suspicion but I guess it was surprise because she goes "You don't need no extra credit" and proceeds to tell the class that a student already finished two stations so they have no excuses blah blah blah. I go to a virtual alcohol website as she instructed and get myself as drunk as possible.

Period 4
Science. We have new seats and I no longer sit alone. Fuck. What is with teachers and groups? The kid from before asks if I got into the school. I shrink in my seat and tell him the truth. He says maybe, just like everyone else. I know why I didn't get into that school. I wasn't good enough. And I'll never be good enough. And I won't get into that school. No point in hoping. My rational part of my mind says it was a lottery and that my thoughts are stupid but I've given up caring.

Apparently, the class took an easy test yesterday. The teacher said it would probably take me two minutes. Some people come in to talk to us about colleges and school expectations and crap. Then we do an experiment with gumdrops. The teacher says we can eat them but I immediately decline. I give mine to my partner, but he doesn't have enough time to eat them all so he leaves them for the next class.

Lunch
I pull out my salad. The librarian comes over to the kids next to me playing on their Nintendo switch and says it's alright as long as they keep it down. I throw away the dressing and put the chicken pieces and cheese on the lettuce. That's all I eat. I give the rest of the lunch to the other kids in the library. My mom makes me take all this crap and I know if I decline she'll suspect something.

Period 5
Math. Oh great, the class had a homework assignment yesterday. Exponential crap. I feel like I'm going to fall asleep. My eyes water and I yawn three times. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I manage to copy down whatever notes the teacher wrote and take a picture of yesterday's assignment.

Period 6
Guitar. What a surprise, they didn't do anything yesterday. We did a bit of independent practice today. The kid in front of me got a girlfriend apparently. The kid next to me is very adamant on inappropriate jokes and asking if the girl looks like a dude. They then go on to discuss why old men have tampons. Gross. I walk down the hallway to my next class and notice how everyone is thin. And I feel so fat. I want to sink into the floor. I feel like all eyes are on me. It's horrible.

Period 7
English. We have an assessment. We watch a video on phobias, but it's nothing new. We are doing a test on the book we are reading, Speak. I think I did ok on it? Whatever, I tried. I'm still exhausted. The guy I gave some on my lunch to apparently sold it and is now hungry again. Tough luck, kid.

3:05 pm
I'm second on the bus this time. The bus driver jokes that someone beat me and I laugh. The walk seems to take forever and I get home to find out my mom is making curry. She also went shopping and bought delicious food. I go upstairs to weigh myself. I'm back to 120 pounds.

I can't do this anymore. I feel so guilty lying to my parents and wasting food. Guilt is the worse feeling of all. They're going to figure it out. If I deny my favorite foods, they'll know. They'll know. They might send me to a hospital or to therapy. I can't do it anymore. My stomach clenches in pain. I eat curry to my heart's content and all I feel is disappointment. But I don't care. The food makes it go away.

I proceed to eat strawberries, blueberries, pretzels, and half a muffin. It's only been three days but god do I miss food. My mood shifts rapidly after that. I'm doing homework and suddenly I crash. I feel exhausted, sad, and angry. Angry at nothing. Angry at everything. I want to hit something. I feel every bad emotion swell inside me and my head feels in the clouds. What is wrong with me.

I finish my homework feeling the same. So angry. My dad made me tea and as I was drinking it I swore I felt something hit my lip, as if the tea bag was still in there. I didn't finish it even though there was nothing in he tea. I'm going insane.

     It's late so I'm going to head to sleep. My throat stings for some reason. Until tomorrow. Stay safe. Ciao.

Current Grades
History
103.9% A+
Health
100% A+
Science
108.8%. A+
Math
95.7%. A
Guitar
99.2% A+
English
97.6% A+