My Pathetic Life

February 13, 2020

Thursday
7:00 pm
      I woke up feeling like a pile of shit. Depressed. Angry. All the bad emotions. It took  20 minutes to drag myself out of bed. I finished the book I started Wednesday night and fell asleep at 11:00 pm. I threw on the same clothes I wore yesterday and went downstairs, only to collapse on the couch.

     After shoving cereal in my mouth, I went upstairs to get ready. I got a new face wash to combat my ugly-as-shit face. It requires you to put sunscreen on every day though. I hadn't even brushed my teeth when I heard my name screamed downstairs by my dad. Way to turn my mood to shit even more.

Me: "What!?"
Dad: "It's 7:45!" He wasn't even trying to be nice about it.
Me: "Dang, can someone drive me!"
He just proceeded to scream my name angrily again. Well, fuck me for asking I guess. I threw on shoes and ran downstairs. He was on the couch watching TV. I left without saying goodbye, walking quickly to the bus stop. It was 7:47. I hear my dad call my name out behind me.

I will not give him the satisfaction of relieving his guilt by letting him drive me.

I stomped on. I heard him getting in the cat and driving with a very obnoxious rev. He drove beside me but I continued to walk.

Dad: "Get in I'll drive you."
Me: "I can make it."
Dad: "What?"
Me: "I can make it."
Dad: "I know you can just get in."
Me: "I want to walk."
Dad: "Just get in" Oh no that demanding tone won't work on me. I continued to walk without responding.
Dad: "Well have a good day!" He called behind me. I felt slightly guilty but I didn't care. He can't snap at me for yelling at my sister if all he does is yell angrily. I made it to the bus just on time with my mood still trash and some guilt to be the cherry on top.

8:00 pm
     I stepped out of the bus. It's freezing. I'm angry. Angry angry angry angry. I want to smash something. Couldn't I have woken up in a good mood today? Still guilty. Fuck. I don't want to be here. It's cold and I'm tired. I look like shit. I want to finish the cookies today but I have fucking piano class and our bitch teacher drags it on 30 minutes longer than it should be. From 4:45 pm to 6:30 pm. That's basically the whole day after school. Why is it so fucking cold.

Period 1&2
     History. People are stupid and annoying and idiotic and self-absorbed and I hate them. My eyes sting from tiredness. I don't want to be here.

Period 3
     Health. I can feel my energy draining. I'm so sick of this. We talk about friendships. I hate friends and I hate people.

Period 4
     Science. I'm on the verge of having a breakdown. I'm so tired and there's too much noise. I fake smile and try to keep up with the notes. The bell rings. Someone roughly shoves me in the doorway. They continue to do so in the halls. This was the person who was in that big fight last week. I have to get away. I can't take it anymore. I'm not hungry anymore. I speed walk into the bathroom and go into a random stall.

Lunch
     I sit there and try not to cry. Breathe breathe breathe. Crying is for weaklings. Your problems don't matter. I feel shivers wrack throughout my body. I'm so sick of this. Sick of school. Sick of people. Sick of anxiety. I decide to do the fucking cookies another day. People don't deserve anything from me. I don't want friends. The one time I try to make a friend and all it brings is overwhelming anxiety. I am not giving one ounce of anything I have to anyone. They can all jump in a fucking hole and die. I don't need anyone.

     I realize I have to do that math homework. I had it all planned out. Go to the library and eat while getting my homework done. My plans were fucking ruined by the one and only me because I'm a weak bitch. I don't want to see anyone. I want to crawl in my bed and never come out. I debate asking my parents to pick me up but then I'll have make-up work. Why can't it be Friday? I really don't want to go to piano. I miss my old school.

I get out my homework. Wheres my pencil. Fuck where is my fucking pencil? Did I lose it? I don't have any other writing material. I feel my legs shake and my breathing speed up. I refuse to have a panic attack over something as stupid as this. I find a black colored pencil. It'll have to do.

I finish my homework. Five minutes until the bell rings. I really want to go home but I force myself to stay.

Period 5
Math. We are finishing our quiz. My hear is spacey. I'm tired mentally. I don't finish and it becomes homework. I have more homework to take notes on a math section. Great.

Period 6
Guitar. I really really really don't want to be here. The inappropriate loud jokes are passed around as per usual. My head spins.

Period 7
English. I feel slightly better. I like this period. I eat my lunch while we watch a video about rape. It's sad. We annotate an article but I don't get far. I'm tired and want to go home. I get a text from my mom.
Mom: "You can skip piano today to finish what you need to do."
Thank god. I don't think I could take it.
3:05 pm
First on the bus again. Whoop. I get out of the bus and sigh as I realize I have to walk home. I walk a little whole before a car pulls next to me. It's my dad and my sister is in the back. I get in with a sigh of relief.
Dad: "Starbucks or the gas station?"
Hmmm.
My sister: "Starbucks!
Me: "Sure." I agree. We end up going to Starbucks. I get an Espresso Frappuccino. I want something strong. I usually drink the strongest black coffee I can get that's decaf, as my parents are adamant about me not having too much caffeine. Sometimes I'm allowed caffeine though.

The Frappuccino was good. It tasted like a normal one except stronger. I try to finish it slower than I usually do so I don't get a stomach ache. We drive home with a Mocha Frappe for my mom while my sister chugs hers. We get home and I collapse on the couch. Ryan is running around and I give him a hug despite his protests.

Ok, cookie time. I roll out the dough chilled dough with difficulty. While I hammer at the practically frozen dough I leave the rest out to thaw a bit. Once I get it at 1/4 of an inch, I cut out hearts. We have two heart cookie cutters, one big one, and two small ones. I pop them on pans and throw them back in the fridge and preheat the oven.

The oven preheats and I put the cut cookies in the oven and proceed to cut more. This goes on for a while until I have more baked cookies than I can count. I quickly do my math quiz. Frosting time. I mix powdered sugar, vanilla, salt, and pasteurized egg whites to make a nice royal icing. I look for the red food coloring but we're out. I start to panic before looking at this colored powdered sugar my mom got a while back.

The powdered sugar works great at coloring the frosting. Soon I have red, white, and pink. Slap that on some cookies and they look great. I'll attach a picture. I'm exhausted and my feet hurt. It's around 8:00 pm. My dad and my sister went to my cousin's house and soon return. My dad snaps at me to clean up. I promise him I will.

     I don't. I snag another plain cookie and ice it. And another. And another. And another. I can't let all this icing just go to waste! Eventually, I'm so tired I can hardly see straight so I clean up and go to bed.

     Until tomorrow. Ciao.

Current Grades
History
104.3% A+
Health
100% A+
Science
109.6%. A+
Math
96.4%. A
Guitar
98.8% A+
English
N/A