My Pathetic Life

February 22, 2020

Saturday
10:00 am
I am not in a good mindset today. I'm definitely sick. And hella anxious over all the homework I have to do. I just want to sleep, to forget everything. Hopefully, me being sick is an excuse not to eat.

Do I really want to go through with this? It's not something I really want to do, it's more of something I feel I have to do. I can't explain, but I feel good when hunger settles in my stomach. Removed that nagging feeling in the back of my mind telling me how ugly I am. I'll live on tea and coffee and as little food as I can.

     I came downstairs and drank some tea. My dad asked if I wanted a bagel but I dismissed it, saying I'm not hungry. Why am I doing this? My dad asks if I want medicine but I say no. Medicine means I have to eat. It's like my mind is telling me to do this and when I listen I feel good.

I don't know why I've taken such an interest in practicing piano lately but I'm definitely not complaining. Playing the piano makes time fly and I feel like I'm doing something productive and fun for once.

12:30 am
So we got a bird feeder and it's the best thing ever. There are tons of birds outside and it's so cool. I told my friend I had the Coronavirus as a joke and she took me seriously so that kinda sucked.

I'm hungry but I won't admit it. I like the feeling of hunger. What can I have to keep it at bay? Should I visit my old friend, pro-ana chatroom?

3:30 pm
     I went to the chatroom and I have a plan. Try my hardest to get away without eating for breakfast. Eat only the lettuce in my salad at lunch with no dressing, that way I'm not wasting it. Every time I come home from school I'll put the rest of my lunch away. Eat as little dinner as I can get away with. Pick up running maybe?

     I haven't eaten anything all day and can probably get away with tomorrow as well. This is a great start, a two day fast. I'm currently 121 pounds. Disgusting. I want to reach at least 100 but my ultimate goal is 90 pounds. I can do this. Am I even trying to be skinny? This distracts me from self-harm thoughts. This is self-harm. It's not about being thin anymore. It's about being hungry.

6:30 pm
Ok, that's it, I have to do my homework. I'm going to do it now. I get up off my bed too fast and almost fall as the world spins. This is normal, right?

9:00 pm
I finish my presentation for history, gnawing on a stick of gum. I haven't had anything today except for a cup of tea, water, and gum. I'm proud of myself! Not even a crumb of food. I come into my room and I freeze when I see movement in Oliver's cage. Luckily, it's just him exploring and I let out the breath I'd been holding. I'm so jumpy.

Oliver is actually exploring again! I'll try and feed him tomorrow for sure. Hopefully. Why do I commit to things again? I decide to settle down for the night and pull up some good stories. Let's do this.

10:30 pm
Ryan woke up and is coughing while my parents try to get him to sleep. Mom's been saying he's been coughing today and I wonder if he got it from me. I had been careful not to touch him but maybe it was before I knew I was sick. I wish I could take all his pain as my own. I hate it when he cries. It's sad.

There's a dull ache in my head, a tug on my eyelids, and the occasional growl from my stomach but I'd say I'm holding up pretty good. Sleeping would be nice but it's Saturday night and I have to wait 6 days for another one. Every time I sit up my head spins from my sickness so I decided to just lay down for a while.

I'm going to sleep. Until tomorrow. Stay safe. Ciao.