Life as a Minecraft Mob

Creeper

(Translated from Creepese)

Hi. My name's Dynamite. Pretty creative name for a creeper, isn't it. All us creepers are called stupid names like that. Anyway, I'm a general in the creeper army. Impressive, eh? No? Not surprised.

Life as a creeper is a pretty terrible existence. Most of the time you don't even get to kill the humans, and when you do, you're blowing yourself up, and you die as well. Sometimes when you blow up, the humans don't even get hurt, which is the most annoying thing ever. I mean, you died for nothing. 

The thing is, nobody actually wants to kill themselves in a mad attempt to murder humans. However, in our brains is a hormone, creeposterone, which takes over our actions when we see a human.

We have a radar system in our tiny brains, which tells us when a human is nearby. Then our creeposterone gets the best of us, and we can't do anything but walk towards them. Then, when we get even closer, then another hormone is triggered, explosin. This hormone travels along to our gunpowder chamber, located just underneath our stomach, and when it reaches it, we blow up.

When explosin is set off, we glow and hiss. It takes a while for it to reach the gunpowder chamber, so if the human runs away quickly enough, the hormone fizzles out and the creeposterone just makes us get closer to the human until we're close enough for the explosin to set off again.

But I live deep underground, in the secret creeper headquarters. In these headquarters, we can live in peace, since there are no humans, and so our creeposterone and explosin don't get set off. What we do in these headquarters is moniter creepers on the overground. We have a special machine that can detect creeposterone, which makes finding and tracking creepers very easy.

Once a creeper was born without explosin. This meant that he could talk to the humans and maybe even make peace with them. So we sent him to the surface to negotiate. However, he was immediately killed by a human with a diamond sword. The human was happy to get easy gunpowder, but we were in mourning for him for ages.

I'm not saying be kind to creepers. We want to be kind, but our hormones just won't let us. If you see a creeper though, who doesn't seem to be approaching you or glowing or hissing, then talk to him. Perhaps it could be a creeper who wants to make peace. Give us a chance. Please.