Crystal Clear - Treasure Chest Reviews & Graphics [Hiring/Open]

Trolah'bureg I (TRD)

Title: Trolah'bureg I

Author: Archdav

Genre: High Fantasy

Tags: Fantasy, Fate, Goodvsevil, hero, knight

Blurb:

To The Champion, the world is very simple. Follow orders and rise through the ranks. His lifestyle is forward; he never looks back; however, as he helps the humans recover from a war, he is soon forced to face his past. What is right and wrong? Only time will tell as the secret unravels in blood. A hero is no easy title to relish, especially for one that struggles to comprehend what is Good and Evil at times.

💎 Reviewer: TheRealDesastr

Review:

Title 3/5:

It seems like a title that's obscure, which is no doubt what you're going for in this. I would also reference the character though, like "The Champion of" or "The Champ of" just to make it a bit more striking.

Cover 2/5:

I'm not a really big fan of the cover design. It doesn't catch my eye at all or really give me a reason as to why I should read this book over others. If I was judging books by covers, I wouldn't pick this one up--luckily I tend to via description. I've been told many times though that covers need to look pristine in the professional world because that's the readers' first impression. I do like the text, hence partial credit here.

Blurb 2/5:

There are a lot of awkward sentences in this blurb and it was a bit of a struggle to get through. Also, it could do with some separating into different paragraphs. However, the blurb is very striking, and I gave you a lot of credit for that. It's smooth and to the point, but needs a lot of editing to really catch the reader. Also, you might have intended "The Champ", so if you did ignore this piece of advice. If not, however, "The Champion" sounds a bit more solid.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling 14/15:

Aside from a few errors, you were immaculate, very well done.

Worldbuilding/Descriptions 9/10: Descriptions were extremely rich. I'd love to know more about magic, elves, and dwarves, but that can come later in the story. Otherwise, you describe your world very well.

Plot Development/Pacing/Chapter Structure 17/20:

Great plot development! It does seem a bit dry at some points, what with seeing the world in black and white, but I think that's intentional. It's a slow burn as the story is fleshed out, which is just fine.

Character Development 16/20:

I'm not personally a fan of The Champion, but I can see him slowly starting to be fleshed out beyond just a black and white, unmovable mentality. His motivations are extremely clear, and ever so slowly do we see him turn into something other than what we were presented with.

Originality 6/10:

On the surface, this seems like a typical "Orcs are evil and humans are good" story, but I can see beyond that. I hope orcs and other races get fleshed out later in the story, of course, but regardless, there's more than meets the eye, and I as a reader can see that.

Enjoyment/Hook 6/10:

I thought the story had an above-average hook, especially with the rich descriptions. Great job!

Summary 75/100:

Your strongest points are your descriptions! You build the world in a very wonderful way. Lovers of high fantasy will no doubt be hooked on the story. It takes a while to show the uniqueness within the story, which might lose some but generally speaking people that enjoy this sort of thing will be hooked and carried through the story with ease. Your writing voice is smooth, and it was a fun journey to go through for these chapters. Well done! This story is of exceptional quality.

Detailed Feedback:

Chapter 1:
This chapter's writing, for the most part, was very smooth. You're excellent at descriptions, especially gore. I'm a writer/reader that enjoys gore myself, so for those that enjoy that sort of thing, you appeal to them. This look into The Champion's mind is interesting. I find myself wondering if there's a bit more complexity to this issue. Are all orcs in your world mindless monsters, or is there something more we're not seeing beyond the bias of The Champion? There seems to be a bit more to the story than meets the eye, which is intriguing.
Areas of improvement: The sentence "It glowed at times" could be reworked to sound a bit less awkward. Otherwise, there could be minor revisions just to make it a bit more smooth.
In summary: Other than minor revisions, this was a very strong chapter and an intriguing character introduction. He seems like the typical paladin type, but there's something offputting about his bloodlust that leads me to think there's more to the story.
#treasurechestcommunity
Chapter 2:
I enjoy your haunting and rich descriptions. There's something so very off about this champion. We don't know where he came from or why he's a giant. The reader is left wondering what his story is? Why is he so determined to be the ONLY hero, why must he go it alone? He sees himself as perfect, but his stubbornness might be his downfall. I feel like there is more to this that we'll be shown soon for sure. He doesn't see his own flaws, which more often than not, leads to a downfall.
Areas of improvement: Swapping to past happenings could be indicated with breaks, and a bit more defining of characters could aid a bit. The ending was a bit confusing, so clarifying a few points could be good. Though that could be done later in the book as well. Seems like the boy triggered a memory of his brother, or caused the voice to sound in his mind, but I'm not entirely sure.
In summary: Excellent character-defining chapter with your author's voice and description shining through. Some parts were somewhat confusing, but not to the point of it being distracting.
#treasurechestcommunity
Chapter 3:
Again, very rich description, well done! This chapter is more about building the character of The Champion. We're seeing exclusively from his point of view, and the way he looks at the world is so very black and white. Once again I can see some things shattering in terms of his world view. I wonder if we'll see some more elaboration on this war soon. Why are the orcs fighting, are they only bloodthirsty monsters? Those questions come to mind to keep the reader on their toes, which is very good. It seems pretty straightforward, but again there seem to be complexities.
Areas of improvement: The heartbeat in the gauntlet at the start confused me for a second, but I caught on. This actually reminds me a lot of the lich king from a video game (World of Warcraft) I play. Very dark indications! Though defining that a tad bit more could work.
In summary: Rich chapter once again, well done! There's a cycle of war, and another complexity (the entire town being razed) is brought to the table. I wonder if The Champion will learn something more of the orcs, or if he will be forever set on total extermination.
#treasurechestcommunity
Chapter 4:
It seems intentionally ironic that The Champion is calling someone else a psychopath when it almost seems like he himself is one. He wants death and slaughter and seems to enjoy the idea of peace, but even then he said he wants to butcher helpless orcs too. To be honest, The Champion just seems like a big jerk. This brother thing is interesting though, for sure!
Areas of improvement: Again indicating a scene change could help with some minor bits of confusion, but otherwise, this chapter flowed pretty well.
In summary: This Champion isn't likable, but I don't think he's meant to be. There's some emotion under the surface, but also something sinister. You seem to be building a character that, on the surface, is straightforward, but in reality is very complex. It's a great way of weaving words.
#treasurechestcommunity
Chapter 5:
I will admit, it's amusing that The champion doesn't understand why people dislike him. He is very high and mighty and has an ego rivaling many. I almost feel bad for him, but at the same time, I do not. The tension between Nam and The Champion is interesting. I don't find myself on either one's side, though The Champion did kinda push his luck. I did like the ending of this chapter, shatters the black and white mentality that "light is good, dark is bad". Employing tactics of 'evil', I suppose.
Areas of improvement: It does seem like a usual 'knight/hero of the light' story but slowly degrades down a bit more. I'm curious to see if the orcs are given a bit more character as well aside from being mindless monsters.
In summary: Strong chapter 5, well done. I loved the descriptions and imagery as well.
#treasurechestcommunity