You Hold My Pieces [completed]

If Tears Could Be Bottled

Listen to:Bruises by Lewis Capaldi

How do you lose the one you never had?
Will your eyes glow reflecting the pain inside of you and stop you from crying?
How do you try to resuscitate something that was never alive but is now dead?
Will you put gauzy bandages around your chest trying to stop your heart from bleeding?
How do you live on and smile as if you can't see the worms and smell the smell of the love that turned bad?
Will you put on makeup and wear cheap perfume trying to stop your secrets from leaking?
Do you ever wonder if instead of beauty and the beast, beauty was the beast?
How do you just sit there and wait for people to treat you like a Queen when you always act like a pauper ?
Will you wait for people to stop leaving or will you get up and run after them hoping they will stay?
How do you stop yourself from losing the one you never had?

As I sat by my window on Sunday morning, there was no sign of life outside because of the rain. The usual light showers of rain were replaced by a thunder storm that was everything but beautiful. I knew I had gotten myself into this mess, I had been prying in a territory I did not belong and it was not by chance that the snare caught me. I was not sure if Kyle had told anyone about our secret rendezvous . I was more ashamed for letting this happen to me than I was of being heartbroken. I can never erase my footprints from the sands of time. I had loaded the gun and handed the power end my life to someone else. I could not stop myself from feeling hopeless and trapped.

I heard a knock on the door and ignored it for a while but the person was persistent and the more they knocked the more I got annoyed. I walked to the door frustration and anger bubbling inside of me but the moment I opened the door and saw my father stare down at me I began to feel defeated once more.

"Can I come in? "

" Sure ", I said turning my back on him and walking to my bed.

" What's going on Ronnie? I know I am hardly around but when I am here it pains me to watch you like this, you haven't been out of your room since yesterday when you came home with Liam. Who hurt you ? "

" No one dad ", I chuckle a bit trying to cover up the hurt I am feeling and I look at him in the eyes and ask
" Okay, let's say there's a job that you really want right, but there aren't any interviews for the job yet and mom goes and applies for the job when she knows how important it is to you and she gets it. Then she starts rubbing it all in your face, how would you feel? "

" Ronnie is this about Oxford University or its about something else", he asks genuinely concerned.

" No, I haven't gotten a reply yet"

"Oh in that case, the job never deserved your time and you should just find another one. "

He attempts to wink and fails miserably and I just smile picking at my nails. He hugs me and says something that makes me feel more guilty than I already am

" I know I am not your mom Ronnie, but I am here. You can't go through bad times alone acting like I am not going to listen to you. You have to let me be there for you. "

My eyes start welling up again and small drops of tears follow the trail from my eyes down my cheeks. I nod and he let's go of me and holds me at shoulder's length.

" Good, now bath and let us go out for lunch and maybe blueberry ice cream"

" But it's raining, dad "

" Good then, less lines to stand in at the dessert shop hurry up woman."

He leaves my room at that instant and I go into my bathroom to have a cold shower despite how chilly it was outside. I had not bathed since I came home yesterday and some part of me was still depressed but I knew that it would mean a lot to my father to hang out together so I swallowed up my depression. After my shower I just put on sweat pants and a hoodie to try and cover my swollen red eyes .

We got into my father's car and I was really surprised when we reached a burger and fries place. My father is not a fan of fast food so I had to commend him for coming here because he knows that it always makes me feel better on rainy days. We take our order and we sit by the large window. We savour our food in silence and as promised he gets me blueberry ice cream for dessert and I decide to eat it in the car on our way home. When we get home I stand just below the stairs and say silent   "thank you", which he returns with a   smile. I turn and begin to ascend to my room.

I finally get the courage to look at my phone. I see several missed calls from Jen, Kyle and Liam. I swallow the saliva building up out of fear of what Jen would do to me if she ever found out what happened. One of the main reasons I remained friends with her despite her asking out the guy she knew I liked was because I was afraid of what she would do to me if I bailed out. So I called her.

Most of the phone call was wasted with her telling me how she could not find me at the party and telling me if she had she would have gone with me to the slumber party at Emily's. I breathe a breath of relief when she starts telling me how Kyle has a bruise from getting sucker punched at the party. That night I decide not to call anyone else and I stare up at my ceiling wondering how tomorrow is going to play out and dreading how I would have to survive lunch .