You Hold My Pieces [completed]

Try Not To Remember

Listen to Would it matter by Skillet

Life seems to favor some people more than others. I can not remember a time it was on my side. Other people always have the upper hand and I am the underdog left to fend for herself. The breadcrumbs of hope that are cast my way are not enough to keep me alive. I curse at my misfortune standing at the edge of the lake. Tears roll down my eyes and I make frantic attempts to wipe them away as I smile awkwardly . I am overwhelmed with grief and a voice in my head keeps whispering that it would be better not to feel anything at all. My conscience has been battling the little devil but it would have been better if he were on my shoulder and not my mind. I smile bitterly and whisper the words, "so this is it" with a half hearted laugh. I take slow steps towards the end of the board walk savouring the last moments of my life. I sit down at the edge and tied my feet to my bicycle using the rope I had found in our garage. I close my eyes and think of how sordid it is that I chose to end my life at the only place that was keeping me going. I think of my father but selfishly I throw the bicycle into the lake and I jump in after.

I feel myself being swallowed by the water. I breathe out the air in my lungs  and I feel myself being dragged deeper into the water by the weight of the bicycle . I smile bitterly at the thought that crying in this moment would make no difference. My mind was made up and I made no attempts to stop myself from sinking . I hear the weak sound of water splashing and a few seconds later I feel someone gripping me. I try to fight him off but I only feel his grip getting tighter . He struggles to pull both the bicycle and I up but somehow he makes it to the surface. I gasp for air and cough uncontrollably when we get to the surface. Instead of being happy I had been saved, all the grief I had been feeling turns to anger. I fight and I fight until we reach the shore and he starts untying the rope on my legs and gasping for air at the same time . I hit him with both hands as I sob bitterly . I start feeling like a failure, I can never do anything right. I always mess up everything to the extent that I could not drown without failure. I feel ashamed that I got dragged out of the water before I had even lost consciousness. He hugs me tightly despite my struggle.

" It's all your fault ",  I cry but he remains quiet holding me tightly.

" It's all you fault! " I try to push him away but he doesn't let go.

" I'm sorry. "

" Sorry? You're sorry? " I start to boil with anger.

" Forgive me Ronnie ", I hear his voice break.

" Why? Why me? "

" Why would you try to kill yourself? How would I go on knowing that you died angry at me? Why didn't you report the issue, why did you keep quiet and suffer alone?"

" Get away from me Malachi. " I say it and my mind means it but my weak heart wishes he would not let go. At this point I just need someone to hold.

" I can't, not until I tell you the truth. "

" What truth? "

" About what happened to you. "

Part of me wants to hear his side of the story but am afraid of getting my heart broken again. I am treading on a thin thread holding on to shreds of hope and him confusing me is not helping in any way.

" I would never hurt you Ron, I know dating Jen was a shitty move but I was jealous of what you had with Kyle and I tried to move on because I thought you had but I only caused you more harm than good. "

" I don't care about that. "

" You do. I'm sorry about not coming to you sooner but you had been avoiding me ever since Harry fed you those lies and I thought it would be better if I stayed away. "

" But the pictures. "

" I couldn't bring myself to tell you because it was Liam. I couldn't just tell you your best friend did that to you. You are still very fond of him and I was afraid it would break you, that's why I kept quiet until I heard about the pictures that Harry sent to people. That's why we fought. "

" But, "

" Please listen ", he sighs frustrated and I can see the goosebumps on his skin. He is probably feeling as cold as I am.

" Ronnie I was putting your clothes back on. Liam tried to force himself on you. "

" He wouldn't. "

" I don't know why but I came back when I realized I had overreacted during our conversation. That's when I came back and he ran and left you lying there half naked. I guess they figured it would make a better story if they included me in it that's why they took those pictures. "

" But you took me out of school."

"I panicked and I was afraid that you'd get expelled if they found you drugged and assumed you took the drugs yourself. "

" How did you know I was here. "

" I have been coming to the lake everyday since that day, to clear my head and I found you trying to drown yourself. You're stronger than that Ron. "

" No I'm not. " I get up confused and frustrated and I start walking away. I remember that my bicycle had been sunk.

" Take me home! " I scream at him and he makes no objections. I do not want to believe that Liam had done all that. It also hurts that my new friend who had been nothing but good towards me had stirred the rumor. I was now doubting Malachi's innocence although I had longed for him to clarify the issue. Why?  It's the main question I ask myself on the way home and as soon as he stops on our driveway I get out of the car and hurry on to find my father.

I run into the house and hug him as soon as I see him in the kitchen.

" I'm sorry dad. "

" What happened honey, why are your clothes wet. "

" I'm so sorry ", I cry for the first time in front of him ready to finally share my sorrow. I feel guilty for wanting to die and not having hope in the person I should have had hope in in the first place. Finding the whole truth could come after but right now I had to unburden myself