You Hold My Pieces [completed]

By Chance

Listen to :falling by Harry Styles

Little by little
It's eating me up
Devouring my flesh and drinking my blood from a cup
Little by little
I watch my world crumble
I'm beaten down till I can only stumble
Little by little
I hear the cries in my sleep
I yearn and wish for good things I can't keep
I always look at myself in the mirror with grave suspicion
will I earn someone else's trust if I can't trust myself?
Shall I win any battle when I give up before I even hear the challenge and reward?
Will I ever be someone else's dream when I don't have any dreams myself?
Is it possible for anyone to love me when I don't love myself?
They say it is right before the dawn when it is the darkest .
But darkness without dawn is all I have in my mind
Will I ever be self reliant when I feel like I'm worthless and I have nothing?
Why do I love you when you don't give me any reason to?
Why do I walk into a trap trying to save you from the things you really want?

The moment I close the door to my room after Kyle drops me off at home I break down. I know that I am about to let myself get stepped on and used but my heart yearns so much for him, to hurt him and to have him. I don't know what he wants from me but what scares me is I know I will give up everything if he asks me. I felt the confusion I was suppressing all day surface, was I ready to give up the love I had devoted so much of my time daydreaming about. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger but I've never felt so weak in my life. Every single cell in my mind wants to ruin him but every single cell of my heart wants to love him.

I am full aware that I am about to sign up to being a side chick because who would ever give up Jen. She is everything I can never be and more. She might be my "best friend" and I know what I am about to do is wrong but I have to strengthen my heart and do it. I have to turn all my love to hate. What is hurting me more than downsizing myself is that I am forcing myself to hurt the only people I ever had . I lie on my bed with tears falling from my eyes. I had never imagined that the day I finally got my trophy it would belong to two people not one.
With that I close my eyes and sleep.

The next morning was as hectic as it could get. First of all I had to have a bad hair day and I had turned my room upside down searching for my detangling kit. I was convinced that my day could not get any worse when my dad came and asked me where my car was, it hit me there and then that yesterday I had left my car at school when I skipped school with Kyle but I clearly could not tell my father that. So I lied that I left it at Liam's place because I was feeling a headache coming last night and he dropped me. He totally bought it because I looked like a destitute at this point and he just mouthed a big OK and told him to call out to him when I finally get done. I gave up trying to find my brushes and asked dad if we could stop by the saloon and he agreed despite the fact that he was going to be late for work. I just thew on sweat pants and a yellow oversized Hoodie. I knew that Jen would scream at me the moment she saw me because I was the best friend of the drop dead fashion queen who dressed like she was going to the gym in thrift store clothes or whatever , you get the sense.

I poured some coffee into a mug because I was exhausted from all the crying I did last night and also I felt pathetic for crying for no particular reason. When I sat in the car I switched on my phone and tried to call Liam to cover for me being late but there was no response. Liam was just being Liam  so I let it go. On the way to the saloon my dad deliberately hit the breaks hard at a stop sign making me spill coffee all over my hoodie . I was getting more frustrated with each passing second. I basically sprinted out of the car when we parked. As soon as I entered the saloon I took a seat at my favorite hair dresser's space. It was not the first time I had come here after a bad hair day because my father was bad at everything that was feminine or so he claimed which I thought was a little bit sexist but in actual fact he was just trying to avoid having to deal with me on days like these .

He told me that he would go into the Forever 21 shop in the mall nearby to get me a different set of clothes since he ruined the ones I was wearing. I was watching the time pass by as my hairdresser pulled on my hair trying to untangle it . I tried and tried to call Liam without an answer which made me think that he was either preparing to go to school or driving to school. The more time it took to detangle my hair the more I got frustrated so I just turned my chair  and looked up to my hairdresser and said

"you know what just cut the ends and straighten it. "

She looked at me with so much horror written all over her face. I had groomed my hair for a very long time and cutting it was never one of my plans so I could really understand why she was shaken and she looked at me as if I was not sure but I nodded at her.

It did not take much time to have my hair styled. She offered to put a little make up on my face whilst we waited for my dad and told me that the bob looked good on me. I totally agreed and I was well aware that I had missed half of first period and also if my dad did not explain the situation for me I would  get into trouble.

Remind me never again to let my father do my shopping. He decided to dress me up like one of the cool kids with a black scotch mini skirt, a wine red off shoulder top with long sleeves that were ripped , sued knee high boots that matched the top color and of all things, a black coat that reached mid thigh since the weather was a bit chilly. I rolled my eyes as I came out of the bathroom and threw my hair in the air. I looked like Cheryl from Riverdale minus the red lips.

"I thought you hated feminine things, couldn't you go for something simpler? ", I asked  my father.

He looked at me and chuckled
" I didn't want to go through the stress of shopping so I asked one of the sales ladies who seemed a bit young to pick out an outfit for you. "

He looked at me from top to bottom and smiled as if he was proud of his work and said

" it matches your hair and makeup too. Nice work Gwen. "

He said that giving my hairdresser a high five and I rolled my eyes as I  gathered up my other clothes . I grabbed  my phone and walked to the car with my dad right behind me . I had officially missed first period and we were some minutes into second period. When we got there my dad went to try and talk to the principal about me being late but he came back with a look that said that he was full aware I was absent yesterday. He just ordered me to get to class and said we would talk about it at home. As I turned to go to class the principal called me in her office and handed me a detention slip for Saturday. I tried negotiating my way out of the situation but failed miserably and I got into class and took my sit after giving my teacher a note from the principal.

I felt someone staring at me but when I turned to figure out who it was I saw everyone doing their own stuff. I let the rest of the morning lessons drag by in silence . When we were supposed to go for the art lesson I looked around for Liam but I  could not find  him anywhere. As I was about to exit the door I bumped into one of the football players and he held me by the waist pretending to stop me from falling. I knew that he held me like that on purpose because he was a major flirt and what Harrison did next almost got me angry.

" I see you cut your hair, " he said brushing some hair off my face with his free hand and a smirk on his face. I was about to brush him off when I noticed that Kyle was staring at us and I wanted to push him into making a scene.

I gave him a naughty smile and spoke softly
" you like it? "

" yeah, I dig the outfit too if that counts. "

I could feel his hand going slowly down my back and I could see Kyle's anger begin to simmer with each passing second. Harrison and I were still blocking the way and most of our classmates were relaxed ready to watch what was going to happen next. Some already had their phones out. I looked at Kyle saying  "any minute now " in my head and just that moment he jumped up and pulled Harry away from me in a flash and the small crowd jeered. I was a little disappointed that my best friend was not here to see this first hand but I was certain the cheerleaders would spice it up even more when they leaked the information. Besides someone was taking a video of this whole thing, right? I smiled and at that moment I heard Kyle shout at Harry for being such a pervert and I saw the first punch being thrown.

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