You Hold My Pieces [completed]

Does It Matter

Listen to : photograph by Ed Sheeran

Every part of my brain was screaming at me to get angry. I wanted to be angry but I could not stop smiling. The more time I spent sitting on that couch reminiscing on what had happened the more joy I felt. The mood I had been in after seeing my mother had completely worn off. My heart would flatter and I would shriek with joy from time to time and jump throw myself back onto the couch or get up and start pacing in the living room. I am sure if there was some outside watching me they would think I was insane. Having clarity of your own feelings is one of the best feelings ever. You can be in love but until you are sure of how you feel you will never be at peace. Above all it felt wonderful to have someone respect me. I had not been lying when I said I was okay but the fact that he would not have it was making me burst with joy. I was so happy that I searched through our storage pantry for the ironing board that I had never used. We had someone come in during the day to do our cleaning and our laundry from time to time so ironing clothes was not part of the things that I would dim myself experienced in. Yet I wanted to be the one who ironed the clothes Kyle had left behind. I changed my playlist and turned the volume up.

I played the EDMI playlist that I usually listen to when I want to boost my mood. Tonight however it was joy going to serve it's usual purpose for I was already in such a joyful mood. I decided to make macaroni cheese for when dad would come back. He would not be feeling alright and cooking his favorite would lighten his mood. I prepared the pasta and the white sauce at the same time and after I had put the casserole in the oven I decided to get to ironing Kyle's the shirt and jeans. While I was still ironing the t-shirt I heard my phone ring. I turned down my volume and tried to control myself when I realized it was Kyle calling.

"Hey Ronnie "

" Hey "

" About earlier, I'm sorry for how I reacted. I shouldn't have said that. "

" It's alright, I understand where you were coming from. "

" You do? "

" Yes. I  respect you for what you did." I said nodding

" Just so you know I wouldn't mind picking up where we left off some other time. "

" So are we like back together now? "
I cringed right after I asked the question. I felt so embarrassed and I was about to say something that could have worsened the awkwardness when he said
" We are starting over. I want us to work this time. "

I felt like I was in cloud nine but the smell of something burning brought me back to reality. I remembered my casserole and I ran to the kitchen. The air was filled with smoke and I rushed to turn on the fan closing my mouth with the material of my hoodie. I could smell something else that wasn't the casserole.

" Holy shit! " I literally screamed before running to the laundry room.  I rushed to switch off the iron. I did not even try to remove the the shirt from the ironing board because the iron had burnt through the cloth that covered the foam rubber. When  I thought my problems were over I heard a car pull up in our driveway. I closed my eyes hoping it was not dad.

"What happened? " he shouted from the main door. I closed my eyes hoping the ground will swallow me. Moments later I found myself sitting inside a Nandos shop late night  waiting for my order. I was a bit disappointed in myself for ruining the meal that had been meant to cheer up my father but I guess we both needed some time out. Neither of us brought up my mother but we talked about every other thing we had in common and how life was at work. I figured he was afraid of making me whirl back into the pool of depression I had barely escaped. I was grateful for my misfortune however because the events had given me clarity about how feelings that had become jumbled up when third parties got involved.

That night when we got back to our house I kissed my father goodnight and went straight to my bedroom. I took out the photo album I had made from my most memorable moments throughout my life. Every important photograph form the childhood polaroids to the pictures I printed out from my phone was in that album. I went through the pages of my childhood when my family was complete and my parents loved each other dearly. I took out each image and tried to remember the moments that I could and I cried my heart out. I saw the pictures of Jen and I from our birthdays and when we both learnt to ride our bicycles to the last moments of our friendship. Every sacred moment we had shared with the twins and how I had always made sure to be next to Kyle in each picture. I remember when Jen and I shared them and she picked Malachi because he was mature as she had called it. I wondered how she ended up with Kyle and I felt a tad bit of jealously but I brushed it off. Then I saw my pictures with Liam. It hurt more than anything, more than losing Jen and almost as much as losing my mother. Liam had always stuck to me throughout my life but he lied to me about his sexuality. It did not matter that much but I had always shared everything with him and I wondered if he still loved me like I loved him.

I made up my mind and shut my photo album then I grabbed my car keys and drove to his place. I knew he could be sleeping but I had to take my chances. I called him as soon as I got there but he would not answer. Deep down I knew he was at home because I could see the dim blue light emerging from his room. It made me happy to know that he had not gotten rid of the Galaxy star LED night light I had gotten him. When he had moved here from the country side he had complained about how he would miss the seeing the stars from a window on his bedroom ceiling like he did at his old house. I remembered him complaining that it was a bit childish when he opened the present but a few days later it was apparently his favorite thing.

I breathed out heavily and closed my eyes trying to convince myself not to do what I felt I had to do. I picked up my fanny pack full of pebble stones I had picked up from our garden and I walked up to the front lawn. I sighed before throwing my first stone and it made a light thud. I threw my second and my third with no reaction and after a series of throws I was beginning to lose my patience. without thinking I put all my effort into the throw and I jumped when I heard the sound of glass shattering. I turned to run when the lights on the front porch went on. I stood there glued to my spot unsure of what to do when Liam came out wearing nothing but really small shorts and a loose t-shirt.

" What do you want Ron? " he shouted from his his front door

" Uhhh. " I was unsure of where to start. " Sorry for your window ", I said pointing up to it.

" What? " he sounded as if he was asking himself before running towards me to check what I was talking about. " You broke my window! "

" That's not what I was here for, I'm really sorry. "

" So what are you here for? "

" Can we at least talk inside? Its a bit cold out here"

" No! Go home Ron, it's late. " he turned his back to me and I grabbed onto his t shirt a little too hard. The thin material ripped and I freaked. I was beginning to think my mother's visit had caused me bad luck when he sighed and said

"  Come inside with me. "

" Oh thanks. "

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