Diary From The Carrot Union

Chapter 5: #Degenerates

AAaaAaAHhhhhHh!

That's the sound playing on the back of my head as we stormed through the gunshots and burning debris.

Hellfire engulfed upon the prison closets and the showers, and the overbearing siren reminds me of the civil war a decade ago, where enemy bombers flew by and bombed the shit out of us with giant, explosive metal dildos.

So anyway, this Joseph kid pulled me out of sleep with a hopeful look on his face, as if he has forgiven everything I did unconditionally. Perhaps that's the perks of having a religious nut as a friend, that they'll forgive you no matter how many times you take a piss on him for fear of divine repercussions.

"Joseph? What the hell is happening?"

But Joseph took my hand quickly and ran fast, "Come on, sir!" He said, "We're getting out of here!"

Whatever was going on, it wasn't good, it seemed.

"You didn't answer my question!"

"Well, isn't it obvious? We're getting the bloody hell out of here!"

"Wha? Do you want to break out? You'll just get caught again!"

"Yeah, no shit, that's where we got the extra backup!"

"What do you mean by extra backup?"

"Talk later! Come with me!"

After like seven minutes of wandering in a maze of death and concrete, Joseph the floppy-eared rabbit finally stopped on an empty nook away from the chaos smelling of detergent and cat vomit.

The escape went into an abrupt halt the moment we stopped near the broom closet, where we entered that dingy chamber together, barring the door with a short broom. The pungent smell of chlorine is so apparent here that I thought I wouldn't survive another minute, especially with this Joseph kid.

"Now, what are you gonna do, huh?"

"Watch!" He took his pocket watch and looked at it.

Whatever happens, I thought it must be worth it for him to break me out of prison, and so I waited there, waiting for something gloriously spectacular which supposedly will happen.

....

Five seconds have passed.

"Well, I'm waiting."

"Mmhmm..."

....

Fifteen seconds have passed

It is clear that this isn't working, and it's just a matter of moments until the warden finds us out doing sweet FA.

....

A minute has passed

"What the hell are we doing here, Joseph? Like, what the feck. What am I supposed to be watching? Is there supposed to be something missing?"

"Yeah...This is why I can't do this alone, you know? So the probability of our objective fecking up is multiplied by eleventy-one."

"Eleventy-one? Are you sober, kid?"

"Geodians cannot drink alcohol, Mr Leon."

"Stop calling me Mr Leon, feck's sake."

"Why? Does it make you feel old?"

"Shush..."

I was ready to rip my small ears out of my head out of sheer frustration, but that is when we heard some banging on the door, followed by tall shadows leering over the screen, followed by some indiscernible grunts.

"C-come in!" Joseph said, "We got salad and nip!"

What is the feck going on? And what the hell is that?

Joseph opened the door, and this orange and overweight police cat entered. He had these greedy green eyes and an XXL uniform that barely held on, bringing in a reek of wet fur that mixed with the smell of detergent. Death is a preferable alternative to staying in this place.

"Ah, salutations, Big Mew! I am grateful to be blessed by your presence. T-this is Mr Leon, the guy I'm talking about. H-he wants to join us!"

"Wha? What the hell are you talking abo-"

"Where my nip, Joseph?" His voice was gruff and brash.

"Y-yes, oh mighty Big Mew! All nips are accounted for!"

"Skip the Salad." He said again, "Big Mew wants nip!

What?

"Ah! Orange cat bad! Big mew must eat salad too, remember?"

"Big mew wants nip! No question asked!"

"Right..." Joseph soothed awkwardly, "Skip the salad!"

If you're asking what's going on, then I honestly don't have a fecking clue, so I asked Joseph to tell me what the hell is going on with this...Fat, thick-skulled orange degenerate with a brick for a brain.

"Small white rabbit move!" Big Mew said, slapping up against my poor face with his furry blubber, making his way inside the broom closet, effectively filling up the entire thing.

And I caught myself being crushed by Big Mew's wet furry back and the door that I could hardly breathe.

"My god, Joseph! Are you trying to execute me by exasperation?"

"J-just watch, watch and wait?"

....

Ten seconds have passed.

That's it. This is all fecking too much.

"Just watch and wait, huh? This is your master plan? Boy, since the dawn of animal kind to the day my father put his cock into my mother's cunt, I never heard, nor read, nor see such disappointment that is all a whole of jackshit insane, incompetent, naive, juvenile, idiotic, an-"

"Shut up," Big Mew moved, further crushing my face to the door, "Small white rabbit be quiet, or Big Mew crushes small white rabbit!"

"J-just be patient, Mr Leon! We'll be out of the forest soon enough!"

"Oh boy! I never thought a forest would smell like wet fur and overuse detergent, yeah? GET ME THE FECK OUT FROM HERE!"

But Big Mew started slamming the floor, and with a punt of force, the floor under us broke into rubble, sending Big New and the rest launching into a puddle of sewer water on the stony sewers that broke open. We landed on his back, but we were both equally filthy.

"See?" Joseph prompted, "God will always give us a way out!"

Hammered down and woozy, I inhaled the stagnant sewer air and sighed.

"Okay....Okay. Let me breathe for a while."