Honey (Book 1)

Chapter 21

  So I ran. 

I ran and I ran. Like a child.

Like, after I got free from Edward, I was out of there, through the parking lot and to the first bathroom in school.

The parking lot wasn't that full but Eric, Jessica and Tyler were there already so everyone would know about this later. I made it to the bathroom and even though you're not supposed to, I locked the door, glad the stalls were empty.

"Oh my god." It comes out in a mixture of tears and laughter.

I have never been so embarrased in my life.

I choke on a sob as my tears stop. Walking to the sink, I wash my face. I scrub the mascara that ran until my face is pink and there is no trace of makeup.

Breathing is a hard task at the moment but I force myself through it. Trying to calm myself down but the panic creeps back up my spin. It threatens to pull me under but I stick my face back under the freezing water.

By the time the first bell rings, signaling the start of the day, I've mostly gotten myself under control. And that's when there a soft knock on the door before it opens. The lock makes an awful cracking sound as Alice slips through and closes the door behind her.

Her face beautiful is pulled down into a frown and it looks so unnatural for such a pixie of a girl.

She walks over quietly, before offering me a hug. 

It takes me a moment but I sigh and fall into her arms. Her short body some how swallows me up and wraps me in comfort, despite the cold.

"Are you alright, Bella?" She says when I pull back, holding me at arms length. "Did something happen? Rosalie is freaking out, she's worried and thinks she's scared you off. Emmett also thinks its his fault."

If possible, my face crumples further, as guilt fills my chest.

"I'm sorry, I completely freaked out. That was so embarrassing. God, you guys must think I'm insane." I put a hand to my head, shaking it back and forth as I step out of her arms. "I'm mortified."

"Bells, there is nothing to be embarrased about. Even though we don't need to breath, sometimes we have panic attacks too. It happens." Her voice is so sympathetic, it's almost apologetic. "Do you wanna talk about it? What made you-"

"What made me freak out? Huh," I laugh and it sounds wrong. Alice's expression confuses me but I just shrug, starting to pace a little. "I dunno, Alice. Maybe all this information is getting to me! I thought it was all good and its not! I'm fucking weak and I guess I really cant handle it! And now, I've fucked up because I bet everyone is fucking listening to me and-" oh, i rage. Huh, yeah.

Not my finest moment but I pace, shouting and anyone outside the bathroom could hear me. Vampire or not.

But seriously.

The heat in my embarrased face boils my blood because I don't know what to do!

"I am not scared, okay, Alice." I say as I see her shrink away, looking guilty.

"Its okay to be, though, Bella. We all get it."

"No," I say with more anger than I feel. "I just dont know what to do! I have feelings I am completely unfamiliar with, for not just your sister but all of you! I've never been apart of any group or family and the amount of emotion I feel over all of you scares me because I dont know how to navigate it all. And I dont know what i would do if i just lost it all, Alice. I just don't."

I embarrased myself further and slam my hands against the sink, "Shit." I grind out, eyes burning with tears I dont want to shed.

My mind can't move past the fact that this isnt a private conversation. That they are probably listening and my insecurities are about to drown me.