SONDER (IV): tmr thomas

26: I should I should I should I

Dawn 26

Whoever decided hot air rises is wrong, because the airplane is sweating. Leo told me it wasn't sweating but was in fact water blah blah blah. Whatever she said though basically explains that air is cold up here.

Maybe that's why I feel like all the blood has been drained from my body. Wherever I am from, it has got to be somewhere hot. The Scorch was rough, but it wasn't that bad. Like, I made it out alive (which can't be said for a lot of my friends), and I still think there is nothing worst than a Berg.

"Come sit down, Dawn," Minho's voice shakes, ever so slightly.

Oh, right, I'm standing. And walking. You know, got to get those steps in. My body is going to start decaying if I lie down any longer. I've always been antsy, but now, there is some truth to what I just said. After all, what do we know about the Flare except that it causes your brain to turn to jelly and gives you the insatiable desire to eat your boyfriend?

At least, it plants the idea in your head that you could eat your boyfriend. Like, I don't really want to eat him, but that is a thing that I am currently considering because I need something to keep me warm in this very wet, very cold, Berg.

"Michelle is fine," I wonder, is Leo talking to me, or to herself? Her reassurance always comes out as a pat on the back. "Newt too. We're going to find him in just a couple minutes."

Yeah, sure. Maybe I should tell them that Newt actually wants nothing to do with any of them. He hates them, and he hates me, and he hates his brain for doing this to him so much that he literally (and when I say literally, I don't take it lightly (does that make sense?)) wants to die. If he had found this gun that I have on this ship hiding somewhere (I forgot where) then he definitely would've put a bullet in Lott's skull, then his. Maybe, if I begged him, he would've shot me dead too.

Now there is a thought.

"Dawn," Minho is holding my shoulders and shaking me. I wonder when he got her. I mean, got here. Dawn isn't a person who isn't me. At least, not yet. He pulls me into a whisper. "You're scaring Leo."

I actually start laughing. I mean, it is a laughing which roars out of my gut and lands on the ground in a big splash. Either that, or we just hit turbulence. It doesn't matter, because I fall on the floor, holding my stomach as I try to contain the bubble forming inside me.

Is Leo crying? I can hear someone crying. You know, it's probably Minho. He would never admit it, because he is some big uppity, but I am scaring him too. If I'm not, than maybe he also ahs the Crank gene. At the very least, I am scaring me.

Is it hot in here? It must be, because the plane is sweating. My skin feels like it is on fire. The laughter in me suddenly chokes in my throat. Leo dives on top of me (this time I notice her move). She puts her cheek down above my mouth to check if I'm breathing. Her body is cold. Maybe it isn't hot.

"Dawn," she kneels over top of me. Her eyes are dry. That's right, I'm the one who is crying.

"Leonardo," I smile back. "How are you doing?"

"Do you know where we are right now?" Thomas asks over her shoulder.

Minho jumps in, quieter than the others. He puts his hand gently on Thomas's shoulders. "Give her some space."

"Yeah, Tom. Leo's upset," I pull myself up, grasping on to Leo and hold her. Though she isn't crying, she trembles in my arms. If I could have one last thing, a dying wish or whatever, I wouldn't ask to save myself. Now, I just want Leo to not be scared of me. Or, for me. It's impossible to tell which is which, actually.

Now, she's crying, and I've stopped. I hear Minho's knees crack as he bends over behind me. His coarse palms rest on my elbows as he holds me.

Tom kneels down as well, though his attention is on Leo. In fact, he doesn't even look up at me. He places a hand on Leo's cheek, softly cupping it. Then, she leans away from me and into him. Her fists cling to his shirt, her tears stain his clothes. For the first time ever, I think she should be here with me, not with him.

God, is this what Leo feels like all the time?

"Stop," I breathe.

Leo listens. Her sob hiccups, and I wait for it to continue. Instead, her breath fades into the hum of the ship. God, is it just me or is it freezing in here? It must be just here, because the ship is sweating.

Problem is, I wasn't talking to Leo.

I stand up, grabbing Thomas by the collar of his shirt. He doesn't resist, even though I want him to try and fight me. He's stronger than me. Like I said, I'm decaying.

...

My arms try their best to throw him against the wall, but he just moves there. "I know what you are doing."

"Dawn," he warns, his eyes meeting mine. I can see there is fear behind them. Maybe he is just looking behind me. Maybe it is both.

"You need to stop it," I hiss. "Before Newt comes back and sees what you are doing."

He stops speaking at this. His lips press tightly together.

"Dawn!" Leo shouts at me, her voice going hoarse. She sounds like she has been screaming for hours.

I turn around to see her curled on the ground at Minho's feet. She is clutching her wrist with one hand, staring up at me. Maybe there is rage behind them, or maybe she is just upset that I am here with her.

Minho looks up at me. Two streams of blood run down his nose, dripping over his lips and down his chin. His brown eyes are so dark, so dark that I don't go close to them for I can feel them suffocating me. His chest is huffing, but he hasn't moved.

Then it hits me.

I stand up, knocking Minho off me with my elbow. I grab Thomas, ripping him from Leo's grasp. When I shove him against the wall, I can feel myself step on something. I can hear Leo shout in pain. In a second, I move, but I wait for that second as she cries from beneath me.

Now, I can't look at them. Instead, I let go of Tom and run back to one of the bedrooms. Someone is chasing after me. I want it to be Thomas, and not Minho or Leo, but I don't take the chance that either of them could be coming to console me. Instead, I lock the bedroom door behind me.

I run my hands through my hair. When did I lose my braids? The ground tips (we are on a ship) and I fall (I am a Crank, and I doubt they have a good sense of balance). My head hits the ground, and I bite my tongue. Blood is pooling in my mouth. I cough, spitting it out on to the floor.

I've heard a few boys say that spitters are quitters, and maybe I am starting to believe it is true. Nothing in me wants to quit, as I pull myself off the ground. Really, that is why I want to get off the ground. No matter how much I hate myself for hurting them, I can't give up. Not yet anyway.

I slam my body against the door, but it is locked. They've locked me out.

"Let me go!" I cry. Does blood taste salty? Do tears taste metallic? Whatever is happening on my face is some gross concoction of them both. And snot. God, I'm disgusting, and from this point on, I only get grosser. "Let me out! Please, I'm sorry. I don't mean to be like this! I don't want to hurt you, and I won't again, but you just need to let me go."

"Dawn," I can hear the voice, and I can hear that it is Minho's, and I can hear that he is crying, and I can feel that it is my fault, and though my thoughts are racing his voice is slow. I want to be in his arms again. I want him to rock me to sleep. Now, I don't get what I want. It's my fault that my DNA is all busted. I'm going to die soon, and it is going to kill them if I don't kill them first.

Not now, Dawn. Minho is calm, so you should be too. Even if he is crying, he is holding it together for you.

"Dawn," he repeats. I hear him breath heavily in through his nose, trying to stop the tears from flowing out. "You've locked yourself in, okay? No one is trapping you."