SONDER (IV): tmr thomas

40: I should mourn

Leo 40

I try my best to sleep. After leaving a note in my room, I headed to the farthest wing in the building that I could find, on the highest floor. I didn't bother to clear it with Vance, but I am willing to incur his wrath. I need to be as far away as possible.

I can't hear the bang. Not for her. Not again.

When there is a knock at the door, I roll around in my bed. That way, the sheets look as though I've been sleeping. As I stand up, I shuffle across the floor to the doorway. My hand slowly unlocks the door and I open it.

Thomas pulls me into his arms. I let my shoulders relax and my hands snake up around his waist. We teeter together, until we walk inside, still embracing each other. The door slowly shuts behind us.

Neither of us makes the move to let go. Eventually, I am able to snake my arms up and around his neck. I squeeze as tightly as possible, even though I am beginning to shake.

"Are you alright?" Thomas finally whispers.

I shake my head back and forth.

"You should lie down." His lips practically breathe the words into me.

Since I nod, he guides me over to my bed. It is the biggest that I've ever had, but still does not have enough space for the two of us. So, I'm forced to lie on my side, letting my head cradle in his neck. One of his hands is on my back, pulling me closer to him, and the other fiddles with the messy blankets below us.

"I shouldn't have taken advantage of you," Thomas manages. His breath tickles my hairline.

I disagree. "You didn't."

"Leo," Thomas exhales. My name sounds too harsh on his tongue. Though he speaks softly, in this moment, I don't feel like Leo. I am Jane. Quiet and fragile, and not at all a lion. "I've liked you for a long time."

It doesn't matter how long. The lion would speak, but I stay meek.

"I couldn't stop thinking about how pretty you were when we first met," Thomas continues. "I didn't really have time to talk to you. Teresa was in my head and everything was so confusing, but I saw the way you treated others. I was decently close to Dawn because of the whole Ben thing, and I knew how much you helped her. But it wasn't until we were both kidnapped by Group B that I knew.

"And I knew you had Newt. So, I tried to distract myself with Brenda, and with saving the world, but I couldn't help myself."

"I..." I don't know what to say. When it comes to love, be it girls or boys, I've always been pretty oblivious. In retrospect, I understand that Thomas liked me for a long time. None of that changes the fact that I am supposed to be with Newt. "Thomas..."

"You don't have to say anything," Thomas tells me. When his head shakes, my whole world moves with him.

I want to say everything. "Just... now isn't a good time. The... the body goes through five stages of grief, and I feel like I'm rotating through all of them all the time. I'm not in any position to say if I like you or if I don't, because I'm just getting used to having no one I love around."

He stiffens. I wait for him to ask me about Dawn, because I love Dawn, quite clearly. In anticipation, I bite the inside of my cheek.

"I'm sorry about Michelle."

I look up at him. The pain is still too fresh in my mind, so I blink away the tears. "She hated you."

"Yeah," he tries his best to smile, but I can see his eyes watering too. "She always thought that I was trouble."