The Green Labyrinth

It's Time

Theo:

"Mrs. Walsh?" We follow the girl to the back. She takes my weight, and vitals. 

"Have a seat and Kim will be in with you shortly." She smiles and clicks the door shut. 

I sit in the room, breathing heavily. The many times we've been in and out of here. Tears I've cried in this very spot. Moments flash back like they have so many times before. Her words echo in my head. "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat." I heard it over and over. Please don't let this be like every time before, I beg. Please, please, please. Collin squeezes my hand. 

"Hi Mrs. Walsh. How are you feeling?" She asks, sitting on her stool. 

"Really really good. I'm scared honestly. I just want this to work." I say, Collin's thumb rubs my hand as he holds it. 

"Okay, your bloodwork looks really good, your hCG is increasing and is still in normal ranges for this stage." She flips through her papers. 

"When am I due? Like when is my official due date?" I ask.

"It's around February, but let's check on this little one now and I can give you more of an exact date. It can go by your last period but visual is better to confirm dates."

She pulls the machine over, I slide down, moving my shirt up. She squeezes the gel on and starts looking, clicking away. I feel myself stop breathing, my skin getting hot. 

"Hold on." I say, sitting up. My breathing gets quick and short. I feel like my chest is about to burst, or I'm going to throw up but I can't decide what to do.

"What's wrong?" Collin says. 

"I'm....I'm.." I can't get the words out, my hand moves to my chest.

"She's having a panic attack." Kim says, grabbing a paper bag from the cabinet and handing it to me. 

"Breathe in and out slow..in...and out.." She breathes deeply with me, I hold the bag on my lips. In and out. 

"Better?" She asks. I nod.

"It's norma, especially since every time we've scanned you there's been no heartbeat. I understand this is scary and frightening. It's going to be okay. No matter what happens, we will help you." She holds my shoulder, looking deeply at me, smiling softly. I nod again, laying back into the bed. 

"Okay, let's see this little one." She starts the scan again. I close my eyes, waiting to hear the lub dub.

"Lub, dub, lub, dub, lub, dub." Quick and fast. 

"Heart is strong, placenta looks great." She says. 

"I'd say you're about 14 weeks now. It's August now so that puts you at..." She grabs a small circular wheel, turning it to the correct dates. 

"February 4th." I feel Collin squeeze my hand when she tells us the date, his head falls into his elbow, silent sniffles as I see his body move. 

"Is everything okay?" She asks. 

I hold Collin close, he collapses into me. 

"His cousin, Tommy. That was his birthday. He died a few years ago." Collin hugs me tight, holding back his sobs. 

"I'll give you two a minute." She says, leaving the room.

"Fuck man.." Collin sits up, his voice cracks, his eyes bloodshot red. He sniffles. I wipe the tears from his cheeks, he stares at me.

"Fucking universe." I say with a soft smile.

"Fucking universe." He says, he kisses me. 

~~~~~~~~~