Under The Influence {Editing}

Flashbacks

Shawnie's POV

After everyone left, I just sat there thinking about my life for the last year and a half. Chris and I were only together for 11 months, we couldn't even make it a year. But I've said it once and I'll say it again, I never really wanted to be in a relationship. I told Chris multiple times and I went against what I felt because I thought I should give him a chance and look how this turned out. I don't blame him for anything that transpired before we got together, or even why we got together. I made that decision, and I wasn't forced. He was persistent and I loved it.

Aubrey and I were all wrong from the beginning. I don't even know why I got involved with him the way I did. I just wanted him around because I wanted to get over Chris, and he knew that. Don't let Aubrey fool you, he knew I was using him to get over Chris. I even tried to "break up" with Aubrey a couple of times, and told him why. He said he could handle me still being in love with Chris, and that he didn't want to let me go. I never really wanted to be with Aubrey, that was never my intent, things just turned out the way they did because I would let Aubrey do things or say certain things and I wouldn't say anything about it. I know for a fact that I was the issue in the situation with Aubrey because I should have told him how things were from the beginning. When I finally said something to him it was too late.

I let this situation with Aubrey go on for way too long, now he's telling me he has feelings for me and I believe him. I believe every word he's said referring to that. He's tried so hard to get me to fall in love with him, and for a while I thought I had feelings for him but he was just clouding my head. Now that I've had time to reflect, talk to my therapist, and just be alone with myself, I know now that that wasn't true.

So with everything that has gone on with Chris and I, and Aubrey and I, I've realized I needed to do a lot of backpedaling. It's been three months since I've talked to Chris. I miss Chris a lot but I know he is doing what he's doing for a reason. One reason is to punish me, which I completely understand, but I hate it. The second reason is because he needed to distance yourself from me, and I understand that too. The third reason is because I was wrong. I was wrong in the way I moved after we broke up. I brought Aubrey into our relationship and I never should've done that.

Fast forward to three months later, Aubrey and I are still in contact. Our relationship isn't how it used to be though. We are still talking but nowhere near to the extent how we were talking before. He doesn't come over as often, I don't go over there. He's been over to my house a couple of times in the last few months. He always expresses to me how much he hates that we're apart, and that he misses me but I refuse to go back on my word. I'm doing this because I want to get myself together and I want to get Chris back, whenever that happens, if it even happens.

After my dad left to go back to Chicago, a couple of days later, I called Aubrey over and we had a long talk. I explained to him that he and I needed to chill out for a while and that's all we've been doing for the last three months. I haven't had any sexual contact with Aubrey, but that's nothing new. He's dating, and he's talking to other women. I'm sure he's having sex with him as well and I'm completely fine with that. I don't want to be with him in that way.

My dad was right, I realize I messed up long before he got here and I was trying to get myself out of it, and the way Aubrey was acting, he was not gonna let me go. I knew that was only going to cause more issues  between Chris and I, so I started trying to make both sides happy. Doing that didn't turn out to be the right thing to do either. I was so consumed in the chos, I lost myself, but I've gotten her back.

I've used this time by myself to get me back to myself. I've been seeing my therapist twice a week, I've been taking my medication, I've been focusing on my firm, and I've been focusing on me. I'm starting to feel like I'm getting back to myself, I'm mentally stable and gaining my independence back. I just would like to apply all of this to my relationship.