We're Okay

Crushing It. Again.

   After the whole "Jordan" fiasco, I drove home slowly at first to give myself enough time to think. It might have been a bad idea to be alone, because halfway through the drive I was angry enough to crank up the radio to drown out my own thoughts. The Oasis is a fantastic band, but not one for getting out of your head. Don't Look Back in Anger made me think back over my day in anger. Sweet, sweet irony.

   I barely made it home without a speeding ticket. Bailey was waiting for me to give me a silent hug.

   "Thanks for having my back there," I mumbled into her shoulder. She had a talent for calming me down. It didn't always work, but I was too drained to resist her comfort after the day I'd had.

   "It's no problem. It's just so disappointing that it didn't work out for you."

   I released her, only to plop down on the sofa next to her. I ran my fingers through my hair, dislodging the braids I'd woven so tightly that day. There was no nervousness or butterflies left in me, and taking the braids out felt like the last string attaching me to Jordan had been severed.

   I'd made the braids because of him, and I would take them out because I didn't need him anymore.

   "Lay down," Bailey ordered. "I'll cook tonight."

   I obeyed, stretching out on the sofa as she made her way for the kitchen.

   "Thanks. I appreciate it."

   "Really, it's no big deal."

   "It means a lot to me after today."

   She pursed her lips. I could tell she was curious. Bailey was a bad liar when she wasn't extra careful, and I could see the inner conflict in her eyes. She wanted to ask me questions, but didn't want to push my buttons further.

   "So," she began, "I won't make you talk about it, but I'm here for you."

   I sighed and stayed silent. I hated the silence. Instead of answering, I reached for my phone to play some music.

   My blood felt icy in my veins as I was greeted by the notifications on my lock screen. I quickly unlocked it and tried to ignore them. It wasn't easy.

   Just a peek wouldn't hurt. Ira had been abusing me for years, so a couple of messages wouldn't be painful for me.

   Somewhere inside me, I knew that Jordan wasn't completely gone from my heart, even though I'd already tried telling myself so. The problem was, there was no Jordan. There had never been a Jordan in the first place.

   I mentally hit myself for giving in as I opened the messages . He would see them!

   But who cared if I left him on seen? He had done worse to me.

•

_Jordan._: Ben?

_Jordan._: You're Lin?

_Jordan._: How?

_Jordan._: Did you know I was me this whole time?

_Jordan._: You couldn't have known.

•

   I tried to enjoy his confusion. He sounded so broken. Good, he can see the kind of pain he put me through.

   My attempted enjoyment only made me feel guilty, which made me try to defend myself by saying it was his fault he'd been such a moron. That made me feel more guilty, and I blocked his account to save myself the feelings. Feelings were exhausting.

   I gave up on music, focusing instead on the Monday to come and having to face Ira.

•••