We're Okay

Deep Talks

   Consequences are part of life as much as breathing. You do something and there is a reaction to it. Newton's third law of motion states that every action must have an equal and opposite reaction. Life happens to be much like that. We choose something and it has consequences or reactions.

   I just didn't know how much the consequences would affect me.

   Ira and I hadn't spoken in days and the silence was killing me. He bumped my shoulder in the hall, making the pit in stomach grow wider. I would have cried if I hadn't remembered that I'm not supposed to care about him.

   What kind of shit would I get from the Horrible Hairs if I let someone see me cry? It's just another consequence I didn't want to see play out.

   Although, good things seemed to come to me through the storm my life was. It was as though I was in the eye of the hurricane. I knew my life wasn't perfect or put together, but the pieces I'd stuck to each other didn't look to be shattered beyond repair, so that was a plus.

   My grades finally came up. Funny how it took losing my only potential friend and tutor to get some B's on my report card.

   I showed it to Bailey because I'm an attention whore and she ruffled my hair, saying that I was doing great under pressure. I'm not so sure I agreed, but I took the compliment nonetheless.

   I also happened to find a new job to apply for. I got caught filling out an application in class, but I believed the gas station was desperate enough to accept a fire-setting delinquent like me. It was the only place that seemed ready to go out of business. I figured they were the least likely to care about my suspension.

   Despite the joy I felt at putting together the broken pieces of my life, I was lonely. At first the loneliness was odd. It occurred at certain times during the day regularly. Occasionally I would feel it randomly, but it almost felt scheduled.

   It was like having mood swings, but less unexpected.

   I began to wonder if I was missing Bailey, but that didn't make sense. I had never felt lonely without her. I'd missed her before, but it wasn't the same.

   A day passed and I noticed the loneliness getting worse. By then it was almost painful. The feeling was stronger when it came during its scheduled times.

   Gym class was harder than usual because I could only focus on the crippling loneliness I felt. I dragged my feet around the football field, running laps because I was constantly late.

   I noticed Ira's absence. He used to run with me. Not anymore.

   The silence deepened the pit in my stomach. I felt ready to vomit. Coach let me see the nurse, but I was fine by the time I got to her office.

   It was difficult to express any happiness in my art during art class as well. The feeling came back stronger each day. It was as if there was an empty spot beside me where someone should be. I just couldn't put my finger on it, but there was something off.

   My artwork was a constant portrayal of sadness. Mrs. Dillan pulled me aside in class once to ask how I was feeling. I said I was a little out of it and she let me go back to work.

   The class was silent.

   I think the loudest sound I've ever heard is silence. It's the most aggressive thing I've experienced. It gets under my skin.

   I wished for someone to come sit beside me and banish the silence.

   No one came. The pit in my stomach grew again, the feeling consuming me in loneliness.