We're Okay

Contents of Life Clean-Up Kit: Celeste

You know how some people have heroes? Maybe a mother or father or even a celebrity. In kindergarten we talked about heroes all the time, and the kids ended up getting into fights over whose hero was the best. There was a fight over a comic book superhero and a villain from the same universe. It wasn't pretty.

My own hero was my sister. Everyone I told was taken aback by this, but Bailey and I were different than most siblings. Our parents were strict but caring people, expecting only the best from us. I'd never appreciated the standards set by them that I could never seem to reach, but I almost appreciate being stripped of my childhood now that I have to live with extra responsibilities.

The unfairness had made me used to the life I live with Bailey, even before we were thrown into this mess.

Now, Bailey is my hero more than ever. I depended on her, and I never wanted to let her down.

Which is why it crushed me to see the look on her face when she remembered that I'd been home all day due to the suspension. I felt like a failure.

My day had been bland, sitting around and occasionally getting off my butt to do some random weird experiment. For example, I tried to charge my phone with a potato in sprite. I also contemplated my own existence, wondering why I was never good enough for a relationship as I struggled not to let my mind slowly slip into the void of madness, fear, and depression I've become accustomed with.

Teenager stuff, y'know?

When Bailey arrived home, I had been bouncing a ball against the wall for an hour straight, blasting My Chemical Romance to let my inner emo out. She had laughed and mentioned,

"You look like you've been doing that for a while. How long have you been home from school?"

Her cheerful expression cracked and shattered, causing my heart to do the same. I averted my eyes from her and turned off Helena just as the song began.

"So, uhm," Bailey cleared her throat awkwardly, trying to ward off the tension with conversation. "You have a therapy appointment tonight."

I simply nodded, still too ashamed to meet her eyes.

"I'm not coming with you."

My eyes finally snapped to hers in a silent, bewildered question.

She continued, "It's not because I'm avoiding Celeste. I want you to have personal, one-on-one time with her. I'm afraid I would take up space, so I want you to start going by yourself again."

I gasped at her.

"Really?" was all I could get out.

"Seriously. No objections."

I didn't object. In fact, I felt guilty. Somewhere inside of me, I was secretly relieved. Maybe it was the part of me that really did want to save my own mental health. Maybe it was the part of me keeping my promise to Millie to be selfish about my well-being. Maybe I had been keeping that promise all along without my own knowledge.

Without any more words, I started on dinner so that we could come home and eat. It was a simple casserole, but stress-relieving to prepare. I didn't want to make something big tonight, just something that would pay off later when we ate.

Bailey had to snap her fingers in front of my eyes to capture my attention.

"Ben? Did you hear me?"

"No, sorry."

"I said we need to go. Your therapy starts in fifteen."

Still silent, I pulled on my coat and beanie. They didn't help much as I stepped outside and was immediately attacked by my own cloud of breath in the freezing air.