We're Okay

Anger Isn't Fuel

   I'd never come home fuming the way I did on Wednesday. After shouting at Ira in the bathroom, I had been angry for hours until I finally snapped.

   I just wish I hadn't snapped at Bailey.

   "Ben, are you alright?" she asked, concerned. I didn't need her charity. Couldn't she just stay out of my business? Was it so hard to find a minute of peace?

   "I'm fine."

   "You're not fine," she stated calmly. "Tell me what's wrong."

   "Nothing is wrong. I'm just tired."

   "That sounded too whiny for you to be fine. You never whine. Just tell me."

   "I said everything is fine! Stop asking, you're not my mom!"

   I'd never felt a mix of emotions so intense as I did then. I felt my head spinning with feelings, changing and swirling in my head. The look of hurt on her face was unbearable, and I felt guilty. But I was still mad. I also feared her yelling at me, because I'd had enough yelling for one day. I'd had enough yelling to last a lifetime and a couple more. I felt tired and confused and sad and frustrated and regretful and it all built inside me like water putting pressure on a weak dam. I was about to break.

   Bailey spoke before I could run or cry or do what I was going to do next.

   "You're right, but I don't understand why you have to tell me that," I heard her voice crack and waver. There were tears spilling from the corners of her eyes. "You can't keep being angry for nothing. You're going to get tired soon."

   We stared at each other with so much emotion that it hurt my chest. The look in her eyes was too much to comprehend, but I felt like I understood what she was feeling. There was something about her that told me she understood me, too.

   Without another word, she went to our room and shut the door. We only do that when we want to be alone.

   I sat on the sofa and rubbed my eyes, trying to stop the tears threatening to fall.

•••

   The next morning was torture. I had parent-teacher conferences that day and school had been cancelled for Thursday and Friday.

   Bailey, however, still had to attend work. She left in the morning without a word. Not even a goodbye.

   I hated the silence more than I hated myself in that moment. The silence had never been this bad.

   I felt too depressed to get off my butt, so I stayed on the sofa for a few hours, lost in thoughts that probably weren't great for my self-image or mental health.

   Everything suddenly felt like someone had pushed the fast-forward button. The emotions that had been a whirlwind yesterday and a slow, muddy haze today became a hurricane this time.

   I regretted shouting at Ira. Maybe he had deserved it, but it triggered more unwanted anger that had hurt Bailey. She practically was my mom now, whether I wanted to accept it or not. I'd have to respect her, angry or not.

   My thoughts came crashing down on me. Why was I such a horrible person? Why couldn't I do anything right? How do I make this up to Bailey? Would she accept my apology?

   I felt overwhelmed by emotion again, but it was dry this time. All the emotional energy I had was completely drained out of me from yesterday, and I wasn't sure how long it would take for things to get better.

   Then a good idea struck me and I got to work right away.

•••