Little [Harry Styles]

[12]

18th March 2015

***

"Are you okay?"

I frowned at the screen of my laptop, even through the pixelated picture I could see the dark bags under his eyes and the frown lines prominent on his forehead. He looked more exhausted than I'd ever seen him before, even his voice lacked the usual level of enthusiasm he had when he called. 

I didn't want to pry, despite the unsettled feeling I felt in the pit of my stomach when my eyes took in his pale complexion. It wasn't really any of my business anymore, nor was it my responsibility to make sure he was doing okay, that didn't change the worry that came over me the second the video call connected.

"Just some stuff going on in the band," he sighed and rolled his lips inwards before leaning his head backwards against the sofa he was sat on. His eyes met the ceiling as he stared upwards while I waited for him to continue, fully aware that I may have been overstepping a line. "Fuck...you're gonna find out sooner or later," He muttered as he lifted his head to look back at the laptop with a shake of his head that was almost too small to see. "Zayn wants to leave."

My mouth dropped open as soon as the words came from his mouth. "What? But...why? How come? Can he...can he even do that?"

"He's just not doing great...It's been on the cards for a while but...but I never expected it to actually happen." He played with the rings on his left hand as he replied, sounding completely exhausted by the whole thing which only made me question how long this has been going on. "I don't know whats gonna happen."

"Where does that leave you? The tour?"

"I don't know yet...don't think anyone really knows. Management have been trying to cut a deal with him for months to stay until the end of the tour but...I think hes done with it all now, he's made up his mind."

"Have you spoken to him about it?"

"I've tried." He shrugged, his eyes flicking between the ring he'd removed and was rolling between his fingers and the camera. "He's really not doing great Marn...it's not where he wants to be and...and who are we to make him do something he doesn't want to do, If his heart isn't in it, its not right for him to be forced to stay with the band."

I nodded along in silence as I allowed him the time to say everything he felt he needed to say before I spoke again. As he explained everything more I grew to understand why Zayn had made the decision he had, it was clear he didn't want to be in the band anymore and forcing him to stay would only cause more stress on everyones part. But it didn't make it any less of a scary prospect.

"Okay, so what about the rest of you?"

"I don't know, I think things are probably gonna happen in the next week...but things are really shitty over here at the moment, we're all worried."

"I'm sure it'll work out okay for you all." 

"But...it's always been the five of us, what if-" he paused, drawing a shaky breath whilst concentrating on his hands to avoid looking up. "What if its not the same without him."

He looked so exhausted, as if he hadn't slept in days; his hair was messy and stuck up in all different directions and his voice sounded lifeless. I'd seen him like this before, but only once. In the month before he left I'd found him in a similar state more times than I could count; he'd always brush it off and say he was fine, but he wasn't. It was a time that left us both broken, and it was a time I didn't want to go back to.

My heart broke to see him sat there looking so vulnerable, so unsure, the band was everything he'd known his entire adult life and to see it under threat clearly scared him.