Little [Harry Styles]

[46]

30th October 2015

***

The day that it felt like we'd been counting down to since forever had finally arrived; the last day of the On the road again tour, and the last day of tour for a long while. Tomorrow marked the start of a break from touring for a while and, excluding interviews and promo for the new album, a break from all the craziness that this life brought. It brought a chance for Harry to grow in himself, to let himself out of the box he'd kept himself in for five years.

The atmosphere was something I couldn't quite put into words. It felt as if every single person was savouring every last moment they could, nobody knew when they'd do it again, if they'd do it again.

The future was scary, unpaved after so long of being on a straight, level path to super stardom and now he was stood looking at an open field, and I was stood right behind him ready to support him with whatever he wanted to do.

I'd taken the drive up to Sheffield last night and had arrived a little later than ten after listening to Disney songs for most of the drive because they made Isabella happy, and the last thing I needed on a three hour drive alone with a one year old was for her to be crying. The hotel that the entire tour team was staying at was gorgeous; red carpets leading up the steps, big chandelier hanging in the reception area, I felt out of place to say the least as I stood at the front desk with a cranky toddler and dressed in sweatpants, a t-shirt and a long cardigan.

It was about an hour and a half before I heard the keycard swipe in the door of the hotel suite and Harry's voice vibrated through the door mid conversation with someone down the hall. Because the tour team was so big, two entire floors of the hotel had been rented out just to accommodate everyone.

"Who's that?" I gasped dramatically as Isabella popped her head up from where she was lay on the sofa with a dramatic frown. She watched carefully as the door opened before instantly hopping off the bed as soon as she saw Harry coming into the room.

He was still talking to whoever it was down the hall, with his head turned away as he stood with the door open, so Isabella running as fast as her little legs could take her into him took him by surprise.

"Hey little legs." He smiled as he quickly glanced down just as she crashed into his legs, quickly bending down and picking her up as he turned back to the person down the hall. "No...that sounds good...alright, I'll see you in the morning...goodnight."

I heard a door slam down the hall followed by ours as he slid his shoes off and dumped his bags by the door. He was kissing my lips before I even had a chance to say hello, it wasn't urgent or needy, it just simply said 'I missed you'.

Lately it felt like I was walking the fine line between loving him and needing him. I spent so long building myself up from the ground and becoming my own person after revolving around him for so long, through no fault of his own, that I lost myself in all of it. I couldn't let myself go back to that.

I loved him more than life itself, I'd walk through fire for him, but I wouldn't lose myself to find him.

"How was the concert?" I asked the same question I'd asked most nights for months, but knowing that these last few nights were always going to hit harder.

"It was heavy...good, but heavy." He sighed deeply with a half smile that I could see through as clearly as the Caribbean Sea. "Tomorrow is going to be difficult...I know it's not the end, I know we have the album and all the promo and performances lined up but...I don't know, it feels like the end of something."

"You're allowed to feel strange baby, all your feelings are valid." I replied as I watched his cheeks blush slightly in embarrassment. I was getting better at reading his emotions as time went on; Harry was an open book, he wore his heart on his sleeve, but if he wanted to hide how he was feeling, he would. "You can feel however you want to feel about it all."