The Not So Virgin [BXB]

chapter twenty: 2002

C H A P T E R T W E N T Y

"Jacob, tell me your favorite memory with your mother." This was my second session with my therapist, Dr. Lopez. So far it had been going great but today she wanted to talk about my mom and that was someone I didn't want to talk about with her.

"My mother and I didn't have a great relationship so there aren't a lot of good memories," I tell her and she starts to write something on her notepad.

"Ok well tell me about your childhood and how it was growing up." She gives me a little smile and motions for me to start talking.

"Well I was born on June 3rd, 2002, I was the final child to my mom and dad and I guess I'm the reason for all the problems that came after in their relationship." She looks at me puzzled. "I don't think my mom wanted another child but I think my dad did, he had always talked about how happy he was that he had children. But after I was born that's when things started to get rough between my parents, my mom started to drink a lot and my dad would never come home." I stop for a second to catch my breath.

"Please continue." Dr. Lopez says continuing to write on her notepad.

"This is when my mom started to get religious. We used to go to church once a month but then we started to go every Wednesday and Sunday. She started to talk about nothing but God and sinning and then that's- that's when she found out dad was having an affair with another man. It broke her down and it set her over the edge. All in the same night of her finding out she kicked him out of the house and she wrecked their room. That happened to be the same thing I did to mine. Growing up a part of me felt like I was the problem and I felt like mom thought that too because she took it out on me." I know if I keep talking I'm going to start crying so I stop.

"Okay, do you think that you're the reason for everything that happened to your mom?" Dr. Lopez didn't want to get off the topic of my mother for some reason.

"Sometimes I do, I don't blame myself for her death but for most of the things that happened I do," I tell her remembering a memory that I had pushed to the back of my head.

It happened when I was 13, Sophie was starting to act out and not listen to mom anymore and telling her that she wanted to live with dad. Mom didn't react to it as much as Sophie wanted her to and she knew that she would be able to get away with anything that she wanted to.

Me being the youngest I thought that maybe I could try the same thing and see if it would work for me, a big mistake.

I had heard a lot of the guys in my classes talking about this thing called porn. I had no idea what it was but it seemed like if you knew about it you were considered cool.

One day this guy in my class named Trevor was talking about porn and he said that I would like gay porn because of my daddy being gay. I understood what gay was because at the time my mom thought that we should know that being gay was a sin.

So that day when I got home from school I went to the family computer in the den and typed the word porn into google. I got a lot of different hits but the one that stood out was the website, Pornhub. I recognized the name from something Trevor had said a week before so I clicked it and was shocked by what I had seen.

There were naked girls and guys and it was gross to a 13-year-old like me. Even though I was grossed out, I stayed on the website looking around until I found the gay side of the website and was completely shocked. I clicked on one of the videos and saw two guys going from play fighting to kissing each other.

"Jacob, where are y-" My mom dropped the plate in her hand when she saw what was on the computer screen in front of her.

"Mama- It's not what it looks like I-I didn't know-" That's when the slap came across my face and she started screaming.

"Why are you looking at that sin-filled faggot stuff Jacob. God won't like this and neither do I!" She started to cry and ushered me off to my room where I had to stay for the next month unless I was eating dinner or going to school.

"I had completely forgotten about that, mostly because my mom had never hit me the way she did that day and the memory was something that I never wanted to tell anyone." Dr. Lopez couldn't take her eyes off me once I finish telling her the story.

"I'm so sorry to hear that. Jacob. I think that's enough for one day. I'll see you next week." I smile, tell her thanks and leave her office.

I'm ready to get picked up. I send a text to Joey as I sit down at a table of the coffee shop across the street from Dr. Lopez's office. I had just got my phone back today because my dad couldn't come pick me up from my appointment so he gave it back so I could text Joey when I was ready.

At home, it was like a was in a prison but for wimps, I couldn't drive anywhere, I couldn't leave the house unless I was going to my therapy appointments and all my dads did was ask me if I was okay 1,000 times a day.

I look up from my table when I hear a familiar voice entering the coffee shop. I turn around to see Grace, Christian, Jacob, and Greg. I try to hide but Jacob notices me and waves. Grace looks my way but doesn't really smile and Greg doesn't even look my way.

They all order their drinks and Greg leads them to the table farthest away from me. I feel so bad because through everything that I had done I didn't realize what I was doing to Greg. I didn't think about his feelings or the fact that he would hate me if I did something stupid like kissing Kameron.

"Hey." I look up to see Greg standing over top of me. "Can we talk?" I nod and he sits down across from me.

"I'm sorry." I can barely get it out without breaking down into tears. I can't tell if he heard me because he still has the same look of disappointment on his face.

"Why? Why him and not me? What does he have that I don't?" His voice is so low and almost a whisper that I can barely hear him.

"There's nothing wrong with you, Greg. I-I just I don't know why I hurt you. You were so good to me and I just forgot about your feelings and did what I wanted. I just don't want you to hate me forever I love you but not in the way that you love me. I'm sorry." I say that so fast that I'm out of breath.

"I don't hate you." He says grabbing my hand from off the table. "I just wish you would have told me that you didn't have the same feelings that I did. I could always tell there's was some part of you that felt for Kameron from the way you would look at him but I just thought that you loved me more than him." He lets go of my hand and smiles.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to put you through any of this, the Kameron stuff, my depression all of it." Greg's eyes all of sudden become big.

"Depression?"

Greg and I sat at the table talking for an hour about everything. I told him about everything that I had been going through since the accident and my breakdown and how I was doing a little bit better. Eventually, Grace and the others joined us and Grace gave me the biggest hug and we both started crying about how much we had missed each other.

"I hate that you can't come to the prom." Grace has been talking about prom for the last ten minutes. "It's going to shit without you there."

"Even if I could go I don't have a date." I had found out a little bit ago that Greg was going with his ex-girlfriend McKenna.

"You could go with Kameron," Jacob says laughing.

"But Kameron is with Jess and they are going together." Everyone at the table stares at me when I finish my sentence.

"Jacob, Kameron broke up with Jessica a few minutes after we left Principal Jackson's office the day you got expelled."

"What?" I can't believe what I am hearing mostly because Kameron told me the night that I tried to kiss him that he and Jess were still together when they clearly weren't.

So why was he lying to me?

okay question? if i were to write a second book who would you rather it be about greg or jacob?

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