Snakes Don't Bite Their Owners

If Tambourines Weren't an Instrument, They Would Probably be a Kitchen Utensil

I don't own a tambourine, but if I did I'd probably never use it. It would just sit in the corner of a cupboard in my bedroom until I create some masterful plan and the only thing that's missing is a tambourine... and then I'd be like "wow, I'm so glad I own a tambourine!"

I repeat: I do not own a tambourine.

How am I going to tame the lions now? I read somewhere that if you fill a red balloon with iced coffee and then roll it along the ground they'll follow it... but I don't know how reliable that source was. I suppose I could substitute it for a maraca because I think I have a few of those, but it just won't be the same.

I suppose you're wondering what the plan is, so I guess I'll tell you...

Step 1) Preparation: I'll make sure to dress in my darkest clothes so I don't draw any unwanted attention. I'll be wearing gloves as well to avoid leaving my fingerprints in places where they shouldn't be. And a mask... obviously. There's one in the living room somewhere that's shaped like a monkey's face. It's kind of small because I wore it for Halloween when I was like 8 years old, and I'm pretty sure my head's grown since then... but it's big enough to cover up my face so nobody recognizes me.

Step 2) Sneaking out: I'll have to wait until everybody's sleeping (which might be a while because my sister stays up super late) and then I'll prepare the classic pillow in the bed trick with a brunette wig to top it off. After that, I'll grab my backpack and tiptoe downstairs to open the backdoor and enter into the outside world.

Step 3) The Zipline: After sprinting down my street, then turning left, passing the big oak tree outside Mrs. Putscham's house, taking the third exit at the roundabout towards the shopping mall, turning right, turning right again, and then turning left... I should have ended up right outside the zoo. That's where the zipline comes in. I'll have a rope ready in my bag which I'll tie between the top of the main lamppost directly at the entrance, and a tree in the forest behind. Then I'll climb up the lamppost and slide into the lions den using a handmade zipline which I'll construct out of an old hat and a broken remote-controlled car. Pretty simple.

Step 4) The Escape: Grab the Lions and go.

Step 5) The Attack: Run to the park across the street where Roger will be waiting with Jessica. He's going to ask her to meet him there, pretending that he wants to help her destroy me... so of course, she won't be able to resist. (I haven't actually asked for Roger's help yet... but surely he won't say no.) I'll instruct him to stand right in front of the Park entrance, directly over the road from the zoo entrance. That way it won't be too difficult to get the lions over there. 

Step 6) The Defeat: Okay, so obviously I don't want the lions to actually attack Jessica... cause then I'd get in trouble. Instead, I'll just get them to frighten her a bit. A few roars... maybe even just a couple of yawns to show off their teeth... nothing over the top. Jessica is deadly afraid of lions, so even just seeing them might scare her away. And then, finally, she'll never bother me again. 

And that, my friends, is how I am going to take revenge on Jessia Marvante once and for all.

I mean, everybody already thinks I'm a criminal... so I might as well act the part.