Snakes Don't Bite Their Owners

Imagine Having Limbs Made out of Macaroni

I would tell you what time it is... but my head's spinning too much for my eyes to stop and notice what the squiggles on my phone screen say. 

According to the colour of the sky and my lack of chronological memory... it could be either one o'clock or close to sunrise. Probably more like somewhere in between. Like, if midnight was the bottom burger bun and 6 am was the top... I'd say it's around about the lettuce. 

I like the lettuce. It's peaceful. And calm. The air is still and the sky is dark... but not too dark. Like, light enough that if you were scared of the dark - which I'm not, by the way - it wouldn't frighten you, it would just feel a little bit unsettling... but in a good way. I guess it's nice cause nobody else exists in the lettuce aside from myself.

Except, now I'm migrating to the condiments as I spot my house in front of me. I don't know how I missed it before, I've been standing in the exact same spot for the past 20 minutes... or maybe it was 2 - I don't really know.

Okay, time to get back into sneak mode. So I creep up to the front door and slowly turn the brass handle. I'm not sure if this is how I'm supposed to be doing things... but I don't really mind. So I manoeuvre myself around the door... banging an elbow, grazing a knee and possibly chipping a tooth (albeit very majestically)... and tiptoe, and tiptoe and creak. Pause. Silence. And tiptoe and tiptoe and thud. Pause. Quiet whisper... oh wait, it's just me telling myself to stop making noise... and tiptoe and tiptoe and Woah! I guess I have night vision now. Everything just got brighter all of a sudden... oooh maybe we got one of those light sensor things or...

"Harriet!! WheRrE hAave YoU BeEn???!? Have you been drinking?" ah AAaAh, PANIC. They've got me. They've found me out. I guess they'll send me off to boarding school now, somewhere far away where people don't have pets and nobody's allowed to wear jewellery...

Hey, no. Harriet you're fine. Just play it cool. They can't know about the alcohol already... they're just trying to fool you. Well, you're not going to fall for it. You just have to do your very best acting. Just say: 'No, I haven't been drinking mother, No alcohol for me. Only water.'

"nonly alcohol madre." ...Uuuhhh..... oops.

"Oh mY gOoDNeEssS yOu'rE DrUnk!" turns to father, "JIM, she's DRUNk." back to me, looking wistfully into the distance remembering when I was young and innocent "What happened to my sweet little girl? Now you're acting up at school and sneaking out of the house to get DrUnk?!? How could you do this?" holds hand up to face and turns away dramatically. "I can't believe you. I'm so ashamed." and so begins the sobbing.

Meanwhile, my father just stares at me like I'm one of them lizard people. 

"izsatta new table?" I tried to point at something in front of me but my finger took the shortcut and got lost and I don't remember where it was supposed to be going. 

The man standing in front of me opens his mouth and I thought he was gonna say something... but I guess maybe his tongue was a bit too wet and he just wanted to dry it off cause he didn't make any noise.

After that I let my legs take me up the stairs, leaving my parents downstairs dumbfounded and disappointed. I have to say, I think that went pretty well.