Snakes Don't Bite Their Owners

My Stomach Feels Like Mustard

Have you ever spoken into an electric fan and listened to your words vibrate? That's what Pia's shuffling was like - just in seeing form rather than hearing form. 

Each card appeared to fall onto the previous one at the same speed as the previous one fell onto the one before and as the following one would fall onto the one that fell prior to the previous; the current.

She must be wearing magic nail polish... I wonder where you'd get magic nail polish from. Probably the magic nail polish shop.

While she sifted through pictures of men holding sticks and of little suns and stars, I let my mind drift. By the time she finished shuffling, but before she finished laying out the cards, I was thinking about how fun it would be to live in an igloo. I mean, you could just chill all day... and you could probably become besties with a polar bear who eats nerds (nerds the candy, not nerds like Barnaby Lofton and Lilliana Bumbleboot), or a penguin with a passion for photography. 

"Harriet?"

"Hmm? Sorry, what did you say?" I noticed how heavy my head was and gawked internally at my ability to lug it around all day without complaint. Then I lifted it off my palm and gawked externally at the girl sitting in front of me.

"Pick three cards." 

I let my left index finger decide cause my brain didn't want to (it chose the one on the far right and then two beside each other in the middle). Pia responded by swooshing the rest of the pack to the side and smooshing my cards together in the middle of the table.

I stare at this line in front of me like it's a new Netflix show and not just some fancy tree spawn, imagining all the exciting things awaiting me in the future... a terrifying tiger encounter? impromptu bungee jumping?? an intense car chase with the botswanian mafia who are tracking me down for crimes too criminal to mention on paper???

As I swerved (in real life) away from obstacles (that weren't, in fact, in real life), Pia analysed my cards with her - probably rehearsed - concentration face.

"Well that sure is interesting..."

Her eyebrows look like little furry caterpillars searching for something to eat for dinner.

"What? What is it??"

I scooch forward in my chair as if proximity to Pia's brain will help me figure out what's going on inside of it.

"Oh my..."

I'm practically on the floor at this point as drops of... fear? excitement?... trickle down my forehead. I hope my eyebrow caterpillars are hungry cause they sure are getting a feast today.

"It seems you've had a burdensome past. A lot of conflict."

"One could say..."

"And you're trying to get away from something"

"Something called my backstabbing EX-best friend, Roger de-PUKE-a" (it's actually DeLuca, but im angry... hashtag eye roll, hashtag ihateroger, hashtag iwishhewouldchokeonexpiredbacon)

There is a moment of silence where Pia looks somewhat concerned for her safety... maybe I do get a bit ahead of myself sometimes.

"Um... and this card here, your future card, suggests that..."

She gulps. I copy her. Then it's silent for a bit. Then we make eye contact for a split second. Then she looks away suddenly and we do one more synchronised gulp.

"well, it's... it's the death card."

My hand is pulled to my mouth like water being flushed out of an airplane toilet. 

Everything goes black.