Moon and Flowers

Chapter Fifteen

I lost count of the days since Spade talked to me since then. And I was too ashamed to try to fix this. My family. I never liked my uncle. Their business runs in hell, and I couldn't blame Spade for being so angry. Hindi naman magagalit 'yon kung walang ginawa 'yung uncle ko. And Spade mentioned his family. I know that all he cared about was his family's safety. And that couldn't be assured when greedy hands are trying to reach you. 

As the day goes by, nanghihina na ako. I knew this day would come but I didn't think it would be this soon. I'm not ready for it yet. I still have to be okay with Spade. 

That morning, I prepared his breakfast. My hands were trembling as I walk to the dining table to the point that I spilled almost half of his coffee on the table.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled. "I'll clean this up. I'll make you another one."

Before I could go back to the kitchen, he stood up, grabbed his bag, and left. I pulled out a sigh and cleaned the table. His toast wasn't even half-finished. 

By the night, I swore to be careful. He was waiting for his dinner. Bitbit ko ang pinggan niya nang dumulas sa kamay ko. The contents of his dinner were scattered on the table. I couldn't help it. My hands were trembling and the energy I have barely even reached my fingertips. 

"What on earth is wrong with you?" He snapped.

"Spade..." My lips trembled. "I'm sorry. Hindi ko sinasadya. I'll be careful, I promise. I get you another--"

He cut me off by leaving the table. He went to his bedroom, leaving a loud click as he shut his door. 

The next morning, before I could give him his breakfast, he didn't even look at the dining table and went out. The same thing happened at night. Kada galaw ko, may nadudulas sa kamay ko. Araw-araw na lang, ganoon ang nangyayari. As long as he sees me, he wouldn't eat the meals I prepared. 

I came to a decision to prepare earlier before he goes out and before he comes home so he wouldn't have to see me. Pag narinig ko na lang ang pagsara ng pintuan niya, saka ako lalabas. It was better that way since I am undeniably getting pale each day. I would put on some blush and lip color only to cover them up. 

The whole day, I couldn't spend my time watching Korean dramas. I'd spend my time searching for a job. I need a job to get out of here. I need a job to fly to the moon. But who would accept me? I have no work experience. I stopped school several times. 

Buong araw kong iintindihin 'yung paghahanap ng trabaho. If not, I'm trying to budget my medicines so I could fit them into the allowances he gives me. 'Pag uuwi siya, sa kwarto lang ako at itutuloy ko 'yung paghahanap ng trabaho. Lalabas na lang ako pagkatapos niya. I'll clean up the kitchen and set the day off. Mas maaga na akong bumabangon ngayon para handa na 'yung breakfast niya before he goes out. And I barely even have enough sleep. My breathing won't help me sleep. 

Siguro kaya ginagawa ko rin 'to kasi hindi ko na kayang galit siya sa'kin. My chest tightens whenever I remember his voice, frustrated at me. 

It was the hardest when weekends come. Hindi ko alam kung paano magtatago sa kanya. Noong lunch, madaling madali ako sa pagluluto. Instead of running errands outside, he went upstairs to do his workout where all his equipment can be found. Sa pagmamadali ko, I shrieked when the blade of the knife hit the surface of my skin. I didn't mind it and finished his lunch first. 

Nang matapos, agad kong hinugasan ang daliri ko. It was dripping blood so I squeezed it. It stings. I grabbed the first aid kit to get some Band-Aids. I was fumbling through the pack when I heard his footsteps walking downstairs. Nagsimula nang kumalabog ang puso ko sa kaba. As soon as I met his eyes, I brought the kit back to the cabinet and rushed to my room. Sumisikip na ang dibdib ko.