Moon and Flowers

Chapter Twenty-six

I went to an indoor playground. Yes, I know. The crazy Diana took over again. There are fewer kids since it's a weekday so I paid for an unlimited time inside. I don't want to go back home yet. I don't know what happened to me out there that I wanted to get away from everything. And now, I went here to rest. This is like a pod where I could rest. Napunta na lang ako sa isang corner na may trampoline at mga maliliit na bola. I sat there and shoot the balls aimlessly. 

I kept myself shooting because every time I close my eyes, the sound of what I heard earlier is continuously haunting me. It kept on screaming at me how I am not worthy of where I am now. I'm not supposed to be in a better place than before. It's like an angina attack but I don't know where to find it somewhere in my chest. It's just... there. I don't know how to stop it from breaking. I can't take painkillers. I can't just rest to ease them. It's getting too heavy and I don't even know how to help myself.

I pushed Spade away because maybe the girls in the elevator were right. I'm out of the picture. I'm not supposed to be here, interfering with how Spade's life must go. I thought keeping my condition to myself was enough to be less of a burden to him. But now, maybe I am the burden itself. He has to deal with me every day. A mere nobody. 

I lived my life trying to fight for it. A soldier slowly who was slowly losing in her own battle because there was nothing left to fight for. I have no one to stay for. I want to leave for the sake of other people. Because everyone around me had no choice but to share my suffering. Nick who couldn't have his own life because of me, Ate Sally who wasn't supposed to take care of a terminally ill woman, and Spade who didn't deserve a worthless wife to keep. 

Now, maybe they were right. There wasn't supposed to be a Diana in the frame. Because if you look at the picture, I'm the nuisance. 

Who even am I compared to Lara? What have I achieved? She's a known model, all composed and defined while my feet up to my abdomen are swollen because of my illness. She finished her postgraduate degree with him when I crawled through college for over 6 years. Without Spade, I wouldn't possess a single penny while she's making money with her brain and beauty. Now, tell me. Who am I compared to the woman he will love when I'm gone?

When my arms started to hurt, I closed my eyes and kept a ball in my hands. It's tiring. And sad. All those terminally ill people in the movies were brave and determined. They scream fight song as their anthem. But here I am, slowly crumbling down. Just waiting for everything to end. 

I decided to go home when the evening has risen. I hailed a cab and went back to the condo. Thankfully, I made it through the elevator and to our unit before I lost all my vitality. Parang naubusan ng dugo ang kamay ko nang pabukas na ako ng pinto. Dahan-dahan akong pumasok. I closed the door silently, trying not to make a sound.

I lowered my head when I heard footsteps coming toward me. There, Ate Sally stood while looking at me for as long as I am avoiding her eyes. I just wanted to cry into her arms but I know she suffered too much because of me. 

"Saan ka ba nanggaling, Diana? Kanina ka pa namin tinatawagan." Her scold just passed by my ears. "Halika na. Kumain na kayo. Kanina pa naghihintay si Kyleus. Alalang alala kami sa iyo, Diana."

"Sorry, Ate Sally," I answered quickly. "Magbibihis lang po."

Lumihis ako ng daan at dumeretso sa closet ni Spade. Pinipilit ko na lang na maglakad nang diretso. Even when my hands are trembling already, I earned the courage to turn the doorknob. I didn't even dare to look at Spade. Nauna na akong pumasok sa kwarto. I grabbed my robe and I took a warm bath just to ease my mind from thinking about stupid things.

I almost found myself sleeping in the bathtub if it weren't for the soap I dropped. I dried myself and wore my nightgown, pulling a cardigan from my closet since it has gotten colder. Plus the socks to hide my swollen feet. I put on some tinted lip balm before going to bed so I could at least look more alive. Bumalik na ako sa daybed dito sa loob ng closet niya at doon na lang pumwesto. I barely even moved today but the load somewhere in my chest is exhausting me.