Moon and Flowers

Chapter Twenty-seven

tw: suicide

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I didn't sleep. I stayed in the kitchen because it's the warmest place. It's already past midnight and I have to wait until dawn to get out and throw myself into hospice care. I don't even know how to cover my hospice care because health insurance won't cover it anymore. Pero bahala na. Hindi ko na alam. 

I did some revisions in my last will. I wrote there that I don't want to be pulled back to life when I reach my end. I want to be running free forever. I think that would grant Spade's wish. Maybe not for a few days but for the long run. He would be happily peaceful with a newfound life I set for him. 

Tumayo ako at kumuha ng baso. Sa panghihina ko, pagbukas ko ng pintuan ng ref, nabitawan ko yung baso. It caused a loud shattereing noise in the dead silence of the room. The impact of the refrigerator door caused me to land on the floor. 

Damn it. 

I couldn't stand up. I couldn't even reach out my hand out of weakness. I'm helpless. And the only thing I can do is cry. I suppressed my sobs, afraid that they might hear it. Pinikit ko ang mata kong hindi na naubusan ng luha at sumandal sa pintuan ng ref.

What a cursed life I have.

I didn't bother to call for help. Ako na naman hihingi ng tulong. Ako na naman ang manggugulo. Ako na naman ang problema. Why do I have to wait for three months only for them to suffer because of me? They're suffering because of me who is nothing but unworthy. 

I reached for one sharp piece of the shattered glass with my trembling hand. It would hurt for maybe less than an hour. Then it's gone. It won't hurt anymore. No one would have to suffer anymore. I get to be with my family again. Everything will be fine and happy again. For just a little wound in less than an hour, everyone would be happy for a lifetime. 

Before the tip of the glass touched my skin, a hand wrapped my wrist with his fingers that made me drop the glass.

"That's enough." Hinarap niya ako sa kanya. "Come here."

"Spade..."

He sat next to me on the floor, holding my hand so I wouldn't reach for the glass. "Don't even think, Diana."

"Can you just end this for me, Spade?" I whispered desperately. "I'm tired..."

"No. I can't. That won't make me happy." He shook his head. "Let's go back inside, Diana. I'm sorry. Let's go back."

"Spade, suko na ako. Ayoko na..." I sobbed onto his shoulder. "Please, just end this for me. I just have to set you free."

"I'm not free if you're not happy." He couldn't let go of my hands. "Because as long as I'm seeing you happy, I know I have nothing else to wish for. So, please don't do this. For me."

I closed my eyes. I'm tired. My heart is trying to rip off my ribs. I need oxygen. I'm running out of it. I guess I don't have to kill myself anymore. My own body will do it for me.

"Anong nangyayari dito?" It was Ate Sally's voice. "Diyos ko, Kyleus, anong nangyayari?"

"Ate Sally, pakitanggal agad ng bubog. Please." Hawak-hawak ni Spade ang mga kamay kong nanlalamig at nanginginig. 

I couldn't move while Ate Sally was getting rid of the glass I broke. Spade's hands were warm enough to secure both of mine. 

"Spade... You're the only one I have," I muttered breathlessly.

"Shh. I know." He let my head rest on his shoulder. "You still have me."

"I'm sorry," I whispered, no longer concealing my sobs. "Am I too much of a pain to bear every day? Am I too hard to be with?"